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Is it better to live alone knowing you've not betrayed your heart, or is it better to live with someone you've knowingly settled for?
I ponder this alot, because I knew the first time that EC and I had our affair he was my soulmate. I always said he was perfect with the exception that he was married. After minime was born I couldn't bring myself to date until she was almost 2. Then I started dating Bomb. I knew within weeks he wasn't "it." Yet I stayed with him for over a year. EC's decision to come for visitation drew bomb and I closer for a brief moment, but Bomb saw my and EC's connection. He often accused me of still being in love with EC. That perception and the way I handled EC re-enterance into my life was what ultimately broke us up.
My mom and I had a conversation today about EC. I told her that I have resolved myself to being alone. My logic behind this may be derived from my pain, but it makes sense to me at the moment. First I don't want to love anyone like I love EC. I don't want to ever give someone that kind of power over me again. I feel like I am slowly regaining that power since I ended things. Second I don't think it's fair to be in a relationship with someone if I know I am not capable of giving them all of me. Third, being alone hurts less than the pain that EC has caused me. I can live with a constant dull ache, hell I did it the 2 years and 9 months after I told him I was having our child. What I can't live with is the drama of being with him. From the day we professed our love for one another again, I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything but him. My work slipped, my parenting slipped. even my sleep was consumed with dreams of him. For 6 months I "lived" him. When we had our spats, all 2 of them, he shut me out cold. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, or breathe. It was like he could turn it off and on like a light switch. Those 2 spats and his reaction, hurt like the day he walked away from me, pregnant with our child. It was the last spat that pushed me to end it.
My mom tells me that I'm putting up a wall. Maybe I am, but I'd rather live with my wall than someone I'm not supposed to be with. If there is someone else out there, and I'm wrong about EC being my soulmate, then he'll be able to break down my wall. He'll fight me for my heart. right???
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Posted by otherwoman on 2008-06-07 22:10:42 | Rating: | Views: 139
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I feel for you. *hugs* It will get better, I promise.
That's a good question. My opinion, just because someone is your soulmate, doesn't mean that you will be with that person. I also think you can have more than one soulmate.
I say, put up a half a wall, just enough to peek over it every now and then, you never know who you're gonna see. Take care :)
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Posted by hypnoticpoison
on 2008-06-07 22:35:53
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I relate to you when it comes to this post. It has been almost 4 years since I ended my marriage with R who I felt was my soul mate. I had everything with him. With time, I don't have that dull ache anymore and I have gotten to a point where I believe there will be someone else that I feel that strongly for. When I'm sad, he is still who I think of.
What made me see that I could find someone like R, was falling for someone else, even though it did not work out. I think it will be the same for you. I do not want to settle and I don't believe I have to. I hope that you get to a point where you can say the same thing. Stay Strong.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-06-08 02:26:30
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Wow, that's a tough one. I think that you are doing the right thing by being alone for a while. They always say someone comes along when you least expect it, and I think you definitely need time to heal so it's good you aren't actively looking for someone else. I don't think you will have to settle, I think someone will fall for you hard and you for him. :) Really sorry for your pain though, it's the worst kind in the world.
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-06-08 12:25:44
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Wow...I completely agree with you and understand where you are coming from about not being able to just give all of yourself to just anyone. Don't ever settle for less than what you deserve or less than what you want.
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Posted by nakedtruth
on 2008-06-08 20:18:48
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Don't give EC the power over the rest of your life. You have so much to offer. It's ok just to take care of yourself and mini me for now. The rest will come in time.
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Posted by Hutzelgirl1
on 2008-06-08 21:53:59
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I think you have to put up walls for a while. You've been through the wringer, finding your way again won't be the easiest thing you ever did. But in time, the walls will come down.
BTW, I think we all have several soulmates out there; I think the one you end up with is determined by timing. That being said, don't limit yourself with designating EC as your only real soul connection. Kudos to you for getting out of a bad situation where alot of people stood to be hurt badly, yourself included. And have you thought about changing your screen name? I mean, you're not "the other woman" anymore. Maybe it's time to find your own identity?
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-09 01:49:49
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I feel for you. Hugs to you and Minime.
I once thought I had found my soulmate. I don't know if I did or not. But now I have Craig and we are very happy. Thre is something very special between us and always has been.
You will find that to with someone. I just know it.
I agree with BlueMoon, maybe you should find your own identity.
Take care!
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-06-10 17:39:11
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My heart hurts for you.
I'm in a similar situation.
Except I'm not in love with the father of "our" baby.
We never married.
Judge all you want, it was better for everyone.
But it doesn't sound like he's your SoulMate.
Especially if he's married.
Not saying that everyone marries their SoulMate.
I don't know.
I could be totally wrong.
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Posted by number2
on 2008-07-04 00:43:06
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