Upon moving to Los Angeles in 2000, I had mapped-out how my first celebrity encounter would go:

I would be having lunch at a trendy restaurant like The Ivy with a co-worker, and in would walk Tom Cruise (keep in mind that this was before all the crazy hit . . . or at least before most of us saw the crazy . . . and BOY is it CRAZY . . . but I digress).  So I'm at The Ivy with a co-worker or two and Tom sits near us.  As we chat and laugh (because apparently the co-workers in my mind are incredibly witty), Tom over-hears our conversation and casually joins in.  Eventually he comes and sits with us, buys our lunch and drinks to boot.  We have such a good time at lunch, that we exchange numbers and are fast friends forever.  Smooth, huh?

Well - unfortnuately, this is actually how my first celebrity encounter unfolded:

After moving to LA, I realized that everyone went to the gym and stayed in shape.  In fact, I quickly realized that "What gym do you go to?" was just a part of getting to know someone, like "What year are you?" is used in college, and "What church do you go to?" is used in the south (yes, really it is).  Being someone that has played sports my whole life, I did not put a LOT of stock in gym work for exercise.  I would go to train, but would never had a solid gym schedule as my main venue for staying in shape.  But after meeting people in LA, I knew I had to not only get a membership, but actually go (especially because "in shape" per the LA dictionary is very different that "in shape" per any other dictionary.  Also - "in shape" in the GAY dictionary is a COMPLETELY different matter altogether.  So GAY and LA "in shape" is just ridiculous.  It really is.  Ask any of your gay friends.  They'll either agree or don't subscribe to either the GAY or LA dictionaries.  But I digress).

So - After getting a membership, I started to go late at night.  I would get to the gym between 9-10 pm and stay 1-2 hours.  This way, I avoided the crowdedness of the post-work group.  Also, I could shower and not have to worry about a crowd of people (back then the showers consisted of one big square room with multiple shower heads on each wall - yeah - no privacy whatsoever - how very 1980's shower scene, i know).

After a few months, I noticed that a celebrity, whom we'll call "JT", would go to the same gym with his trainer.  Later I learned that he was going there after his call for a movie he was shooting.  Now I had to be smooth, so I wasn't just going to introduce myself to him and tell him how much I loved him in the movie "G" with ONJ or "SNF" or how funny I thought he was in the TV show "WBK" (If you don't know who it is by now, I feel bad for you.  Just bad.  Seriously.  Read a magazine.  Watch a TV show.  Get out of the house).  After a week or so, he would say "hi" to me as we passed each other in the gym or the hallway.  Surely this was going to be easier than I originally imagined.

So one day I was done with my work-out and was showering by myself, and in walks JT.  Now there's an unwritten rule for men - that in any event when your junk is out, you get as far away from another guy as possible.  If there are others, then you, AT THE VERY LEAST, skip one.  But NEVER use the one right next to him.  This applies to the urinals as well as showers.  And anyone veering ffrom said rule is just creepy.  Gay or straight is irrelevant.  The rule applies and you're creepy if you don't obey it.  And if you're a guy and you didn't know this rule, this is the reason you have no friends.  So what shower head does JT pick?  The one on the other side of the room?  The one 2 away from me?  No.  He pickes the one immediately to my left.

Now I'm nervous.  Not because he's a celebrity, but because he's broken one of the cardinal man rules (and, I'd be lying if I said his celebrity status didn't make me a little nervous as well).

Another rule for men in the bathroom: no talking.  Especially small talk.  You don't tell someone they dropped their soap and DEFINITELY don't ask someone how they're doing (there are rare exceptions to this rule).

JT: "So, how are you?"  Seriously?  Seriously . . . is he breaking yet another rule and asking me how I am as we are showering within touching distance?

The sad part is, while uncomfortable, I knew I had to try to be smooth.  I was certain that "Fine" would not be a memorable answer, so I had to think quickly and answer something unique. Idiot.

Me: "Tired."  Tired?  Was that the best I could do for interesting and smooth?
JT: "Why are you tired?"  Oh boy.  This conversation is going on.
Me: "Worked all day and just finished working-out.  I'm ready to go home."  Not bad.  Not bad at all.
JT: "What do you do?"

So at this point I'm even more uncomfortable.  Not because I like him, but because we're naked.  When it comes to chatting, I can chat (unless I'm interested in the guy).  But I can't do the naked talk.  Put some clothes on me and I'm golden.  Take them off, and my uncomfortability is obvious . . . or so I thought.

Me: "Lawyer"
JT: "What kind?"
Me: "Entertainment"
JT: "Really?  I just spent a few hours today with my lawyers.  I'm backing out of a movie."
Me: Nodding "Ah."  I was hoping that the conversation would end there . . . at least until we put some clothes on.  Umm . . . no.

JT: "What area of Entertainment?"
Me: "Music."
JT: "I suppose it's kind of like film, right?  Same idea?"
Me: "I dunno."  The one word answers were supposed to be a hint that I did not want to have this conversation at this time.
JT: "Do you like it?"
Me: "It's okay."

So the conversation went on like this for what seemed an eternity.  Eventually, there was a noticeable break in the conversation and I thought we were done.  So, not even being done with my actual shower, I turned my shower off, grabbed my towel, wrapped it around my waist, and began walking away.  Unfortunately, he  did the same thing.

JT: "So are you going home now?"  What's with the new conversation?  We were done!  We were DONE!
Me: "Yeah."

Now I did not want to be towelling off while he was talking to me, so I veered off into a separate area of the locker room where they had the air dryers.  And, of course, he followed.  I can't shake this guy!  And the conversation continued.  Really?  REALLY?  Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore.

Me: Reaching hand out to shake his hand, "I really have to get going.  It was nice meeting you"
JT: Shaking my hand "What's your name?"
Me: "Angel" trying to release the handshake
JT: Not letting go of my hand, "Nice to meet you too, Angel.  Do you know who I am?"

Did he really just say that?  "Do you know who I am?"  What was I supposed to do at that point?  What did he expect me to do?  I'm not saying that he was trying to elicit a certain response, but at what point in your career does saying "Do you know who I am?" to a complete stranger seem like an okay question?  I need to know the answer to this!

Me: "Yes, I do.  Nice meeting you"

Then I proceeded to let his hand go, scurry to my locker, change, and get home.

On second thought, I should have at least gotten his number.  I could use a job . . .