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| well i am still here and Thinking
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i am on the bed which i have been here all day except for the occasional pee break and to refill my cup with some joe. i ate some leftovers from the fridge. i hate leftovers on sunday. and i hate eating them in my bed. here where i live the dining table i don't believe has seen the light of day in over 8 years. it is covered with stuff and old mail. like 8yr old mail. i swear he throws nothing away.
i guess the reason why i have such a hard time leaving is because he has been so nice lately. and when i tell him at the end of the week that i have decided to no longer live here, that i just cant see myself loving him after all we have been through and since he tells me everyday how precious i am yet we do nothing but play on the computers and lay in the bed and now we aren't even having sex... it's like i NEED more.
i think i just hate being the bad guy.
i will break his heart. i know he will glaze over and deal with it, or who knows he might show tears in order to try to get me to stay. but i know i have to tell him and break it to him gently opposed to just running away like i have done before.
ya know where he thinks its all good and he comes home from being out and i have moved and taken all my stuff.
No, i do not know how that feels!
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Can I ask a question that may be WAY out of line but....are you sure you are not depressed? I do not mean blue or sad or down...I mean the clinical disease depression. Maybe see about that first before you tell him anything. Who knows, maybe juuuuusssssttt maybe, he is the right guy for you if you are seeing him through better, more clear eyes. I am not saying he is but (and this is a Seinfeld reference so if you do not watch the show, sorry)you are seeing yor friend's girl kissing your cousin but really when you clear your eyes up it is a meter maid feeding a horse. Just a thought
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2007-10-22 04:31:54
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funny, weird... but funny. and depressed well the jury is out on this one... i see a therapist every week. she hasn't clinically diagnosed me but like she told me when i first started... all the things that she would tell a client NOT to Do while dealing with issues I have already done with in the past year...
move out, get divorced,make a big move from my comfort zone,start a new relationship, start and or quit a new job *i did this twice*
end another relationship, etc. etc.
he is nicer. but just a few minutes ago the mean old ogre resurfaced not at me ~ it was at his cat.... who did nothing more than what cats do... go get love or at least try and he went ballistic.
however it went out of his daily routine. which drives me insane. i am impulsive and am by nature consistently inconsistent... and he is structured and rigid with a twist of aspergers in there for not so good measure...
so... i will tell my therapist what u said, i go there in a bit.
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Posted by orangeMandaryn
on 2007-10-22 10:03:01
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| Views: 85
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