Thoughts.com Blogs - Counseling for One ~ Entertainment 4 ALL

i am not sure about anything lately. i want to be happy through and through. i want that which makes me the happiest. is that being selfish?

and since i dont really know that much about LOVE... and that which makes me happy, changes from one day to the next, i am unsure about what i am doing everyday.

i really really super duper enjoy ALONE time. i like being @ the house by myself. sometimes i clean out my boxes of junk and not so junk. sometimes i clean the kitchen up and cook a special dish. and then most times i enjoy being on the computer typing or searching for the latest fun thing. i like it because when i am alone there is no sound. No TV. No music. No other persons talking. Just me and my thoughts.

in the past, i believe that which i wanted was a real close companionship of somebody constantly giving me attention almost along the lines of being overly spoiled. i have had that (while married to Satan)...

but the last year i have lived in a home which is highly cluttered (this is just the way of life for the packrat) in which i live with.

i am an organization FREAK. i jokingly refer to myself as OCD... with a twist of ADD. and i'd have to also throw in a hint of narcissism. I DO LOVE ME!

i think my issues are and have been proven to me lately, is that i need to live alone. i need to be my "own man" so to speak.

then i could pick out everything which would reflect me.

however...

in the state of times in which i am in as of late, i do not have the feasible means to provide for myself. i am not woring. i am in counseling for many reasons, one being that i have super low self confidence and my esteem level is even lower than that, therefore... finding a job is hard enough... Keeping it becomes even harder, especially if all i can attain is a customer service position like a cashier or cook in a public arena.

People get on my ever loving nerves.

I prefer to work alone. Or with minimal people around. But, where I am as of today (in my current situation) those jobs are not attainable for a girl with my varied skills. Well, okay maybe there are a few, the downfall is that I am NOT multiLingual.

So, my options are to continue living here or move to there.

As I have previously covered here in my blogs, here: is a 47 yr old man, who has been married 3 times. He has a daughter with the 2nd wife. He rarely ever sees his daughter and that is mostly because the mother had done her best to jade the daughter against her dad. The mother is an odd character herself. But so is the dad… the first wife doesn’t really count they were both super young and had no children. The third wife was a hottie, although I have never seen a picture of her… she was tall and slender and a church goer. At the time they were married for three years and the marriage ended in early 2000. Also at that time Cache and his wife were both very much into church, community activities, and even had a group of friends (mostly husband/wife) that they hungout with.

Since the divorce, Cache has been a major bachelor and loner becoming more set in his packrattable ways as every depressed lonely passing day came and went. Cache had some hereditary health problems which had bothered him more everyday for the past 15 years. By the time I came around, Cache was on his last leg (so to speak)… in October and two months later he had two major surgeries. Since I had moved in here I became the automatic nursemaid. This was hard on my already fragile self. Plus, he was a hard and mean patient.

I had just come out of a bad marriage which resulted in a worse divorce. I had been in contact with the domestic crisis intervention people, counseling of all kinds, the local and federal law enforcement and I was 1900 miles away from home.

This was a hard time on me and then I had to putup with a man who didn’t believe that anyone could ever love the man who he really is because he is so different from the average. He has a form of Autism which keeps him from communicating in all levels as we other standard members of society do. Sometimes this can be a real strain. Even for him.

I believe that I did fall in love with him. But as each bad moment would unfold I began to see red flags and moments where he reminded me of ex husband. And with those odds, the strong feelings I had for him completely vanished.

The things in which he NEVER does for me or to me or with me include:

Letting me pop my fingers while in the bedroom…Clean up or even rearrange things in the house (which is supposed to be OUR house…Throw things away other than obvious garbage…Kiss me using his tongue…Celebrate Halloween Give me a massage for more than 2 minutes…Take a shower or Bath with me…Kiss me in public (even little pecks)Go to out of town school or public events which are over 50 miles out… Cleaned out or let me help him clean out the garage so I can park my car inside on bad weather days…

… !!!

of course, I understand where some of this comes from because of his grown-up aspie ways from his form of autism. He is rigid with his ways. If his daily routine gets messed up he freaks out.

His daily routine is this:He wakes up around 11amPlays on the computer via his bed and watches TV @ the same timeGets out of bed around 1240noon and takes a showerTurns off the right fan and turns on the left onePuts his contacts inFinishes getting dressed (same thing, same way everyday) he puts on his undies, socks, jeans, shirt, puts his belt in, tucks in his shirt then zips the jeans. Then he puts on his socks and shoes. Then he combs his hair, trims nose hairs and lose beard hairs, shaves, brushes out the beard, and spritzes his cologne.Turns off the fan, the lights, the TV and gathers his things (this is a longer list)Goes to his living room computer starts a movie recording, gathers his hat, his keys, and then he’s ready to go…

The diner closes promptly @ 1:30pm. He usually arrives about 1:28pm and they know this. He is always the last customer of the day. He goes to the same diner in which he has gone to for the past 20 years, everyday for lunch. #1 ~ it’s cheap and #2 ~ he doesn’t break routine.

He will go elsewhere to eat with me, if I buy! Otherwise I get free lunch at the diner (he buys)…

We leave there and he goes to drop off his craftsmanship at the crafters house. Sometimes if he is alone he will stay there until roughly 7pm. Other times he will come home and spend time with me. 7pm is when we have dinner. Remember we didn’t have lunch until 130pm.

A typical evening consists of watching television three main shows for the evening followed by Letterman, Conan, and that other Late night guy… I am usually asleep by this time. Also throughout this whole time he is playing on his bedroom computer and toodles back and forth to the living room to hone his crafty works of art to dole out to the crafters who participate in the craft itself. Finally between 3 and 4am he will start his process for going to sleep. He maintains his innocence that he goes to bed around 11pm… but he doesn’t go to sleep until 5am. He takes out his ipod and ear plugs and begins to use this method as his lullaby for napping…

As you can see in this routine there is little time for intimacy which we squeeze in when he is in the mood. Usually comes once every two weeks about 10am… so, if I want some it is highly unlikely that if I am not in the bed at the right time on his chosen day which isn’t verbally spoken, I must read his mind, I will miss out on a romp in the hay.

And then speaking of sex… it is usually quiet. He NEVER talks during sex unless he is saying, “wow, that was good ~ did u get off?” as he is moseying to the shower to clean his dick off.

He makes an okay living. It’d be better if he didn’t spend 40% of his earnings every month on unneeded EBAY purchases. Sure, sometimes he gets a good deal but what good is a Roomba vacuum if you can’t find the floor for all the other junk in the house. And what good is an oversized George Foreman grill when the kitchen countertops are cluttered with pens and pencils, and mail, and ballcaps from his favorite places and even more than that of an overabundance of everything he collects. He collects anything science fiction, keyrings, coke bottles, and the lids for maybe winning the trip to Hawaii off the cola.com websites. He collects first and foremost DUST, magazines, newspapers, socks, shirts, he has 103 pairs of shoes. They were on clearance 5 years ago so he bought all that were his size. He collects movies, trivia of all kinds, series of books and movies, pill bottles, watches, ties, coins, ball caps, pens, telephone books, pictures from here and there and EVERY picture he sees on the internet.

Are you getting the Picture?

And before I came along I think he was collecting girlfriends or maybe notches on his belt… i am unsure I count the number of women he has slept with since his last divorce. Of course, as he states he was looking for “the one” to fill the need, the void, the position of ‘Mrs. Cache Packratter’ so he met them from all over the US. He lives in the middle of nowhere and has traveled over 2000 miles one way to meet all the women. Which of course he never got close to them for more than maybe 3 months. Either they would dump him and his screwy ways or him them for the same reasons. He prefers to never use a condom. Which puts a girl at a vulnerable state and himself, I suppose! He has an over average size penis and it makes for great sex. Or maybe I should say it makes for a tight fit. The Sex, the Lovemaking is like so Vanilla. The position for the most part is the same and we are quiet.

I am not quiet. I like to talk, scream, yell, and say the ever so popular “F%&# me harder”… however, about 5 months ago he asked me to not say that word while we were having sex because it ruined the moment.

And I was thinking ‘what moment?’

However, over and above all the crazies of the who he is, I am comfortable with him. He allows me to have ‘girl’ time and that is something I really enjoy.

Wow, after typing and reading, and rehashing my memories this guy seems like a jerk. LOL… I guess maybe it is time to Cache him in on something well worth my time and effort…

Thanks for the advice… giggling softly!!!