Thoughts.com Blogs - Someone like me

I'm still praying almost all the time, just in my head even as I do the dishes or cooking or whatever and I am so much more calm. Even the children seem to be acting up and fighting with each other much less, not that they were ever terrible about it but well hey they are kids and it happens. It did used to upset me because I would look at it as the fault of a mother who didn't know what she was doing and I have been critized in the past repeatedly by my parents for not being tougher on my kids. For the longest time, I just believed I was doing it right and resented their interference and then I started to doubt myself, maybe they were right, I sucked as a mother. Right now I think I can see more clearly. From the very beginning of all their lives, I tryed to teach them about how special and important they were, not just to me, but to life itself. Clearly, I did not want them to go around feeling about themselves the way I felt about myself. If I did and still do too much for them, so be it, anyone that knows us will tell you my children are among the happiest and well-behaved they have seen. I don't know why I'm talking about this because I don't want to put anyone down for their opinions. There just doesn't seem to be any purpose left right now to remembering and harboring past hurts about anything. I just want to let go of the bad feelings and since I've been praying it seems like most of them have vanished. I guess when I am praying all the time it really does crowd out a lot of the negative thoughts that used to take up time and space in my mind. The best thing I've noticed though and I hope I am right about this or I could be seriously screwed, is that I am believing that if I pray like I am and I ask God all day long to help me find my way (I ask this about everything) that I will find it. If this is true then truly, what is there to worry about? That being said, we've had two wonderful days. Yesterday, we spent the entire time from when school got out till 9 in the evening having dinner and visiting at the home of my friend. She has a son who is in my daughter's class. Today my son helped his grandfather planting flowers and then my mother took us down to get my daughter's ears pierced. (not my idea but my daughter's) My mother didn't even blink when we found out that the earrings would cost $95 on top of the price of piercing $25. It was a good lesson for me, should I ever feel ungrateful to my parents for all that they do for us. ( I have been a complete monster and moron at times to them.) As soon as we got home my daughter wanted to take them out but we gently got by that obstacle by walking to the park to play. At the park, we ran into one of her friends from school and another mother whom I really like. We talked a bit while the children played. She said she thought of me (what? people actually think of me? I thought I was so alone and abhorred to boot?) when she saw a book at Walmart that was on the Ophra book club right now. It's called, "A new earth" and is about finding your purpose in life. I told her now I would have to go get it since her telling me about was a sign for me to read it. ( Okay, I admit it, I could be off my rocker, but atleast I'm smiling right now) After that the ice cream truck came by and everyone including mom indulged. Well, what more can I say, things are looking up. I do so enjoy coming here to write, so much that I'm doing it at 4 am. Thank you to everyone who reads my words (you know I'm shocked anyone does LOL) and especially to those of you who have left your comments. You have no idea how much your words can mean to someone like me.