I feel like I am just going around in circles.  Walking around the house, doing this and that, picking up one toy just to find another and another and more laundry.  Is anything really getting done?  Where am I going?  I don't know but I want the answer, any answer will do whether it makes sense or not.  And what of peace?  Never any peace just one thing running into another and yet I keep going.  I keep looking in all the corners but it's not there and the fear comes back.  Nightmares come in the night.  The worst one a mother could have.  I dreamed my 6 year old son was with his grandfather and I get a phone call.  There has been a terrible accident.  My son is either dead or dying.  I am screaming and the pain is real.  It is as if it was really happening and I too am dying with my son.  I am crazed with horror and a grief I cannot bear.  A pain so deep it seems to stretch into the end of time. And then I wake up in shock and it takes me a minute to come back and realize with complete relief that my baby is safe and sleeeping right next to me.  What I wonder should I make of the dream?  Is it a warning or a premonition?  I can't let it be that so I pray all night for their safety.  I don't know if I can let them go anywhere with their grandfather which all three of my children do all the time.  Their grandfather loves to do things with them and they love it too.  Maybe a dream is just nothing, just a fear which is not real.  This is what I have to think since nothing else is bearable.  And so I try to pray and just get on with the day.  Today it is going to be 75 and sunny.  My four year old and I will take the jogger and walk to the school to pick up my other daughter and son who are both in kindergarten.  I will pack up the stroller with straw drinks and snacks and a basketball.  The children will play at the park for two hours after school and even then they will not want to go home.  I think I will leave early today and try to jog for awhile.  This is something I used to do alot but not since the winter came last November.  That is when I started to go downhill but even then I was lost because I didn't have a God.  Now that I remember back I think I was searching then and reading alot of books but books can only get me so far it seems.  The rest of the way I'll have to go on my own.  I've never gotten very far though.  It seems I always give up and just stop.  Maybe I've never gone far enough but why?  Why do I stop?  I don't want to stop this time.  I don't want to have to start over and who knows if I stop again maybe there won't be another start.  What does it take to go the distance?  I wish I knew.  I want faith but I've never had it.  Still, I'm going to try again.  I've been eating better, making myself eat and that seems to help the fear feeling subside for longer periods.  And I'm praying almost all day long for God to help me know more than I do.  Maybe it's working or it's just my mind tricking me that it is.  I can't be sure but I want to believe it.  Thank you for all the people who are writing to me and praying for me.  To me, you are the biggest sign of all that something more than I know about is real in this world that makes no sense to me.