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God if you exist?
     It was the darkest night ever, last night.  I could not breathe or so it seemed as I searched my mind for even the smallest amount of meaning for my existance.  In between, the useless searching I prayed for a God or anything to come to me.  The terror I felt is indescribable and still lingers as I write these words.  I bend over for breath and try to eat but the loss of meaning haunts my every move.  I try to vacumm and do laundry, clean the kitchen the bathroom but the actions are so empty.  I know I've been searching for a new way to  live.   A new way to see myself that doesn't conjure up all the hopeless actions of my past.  My children bless their hearts look to me for guidence and I'm unable to find any.  I hold onto them in the night like life preservers, looking to them to show me what I've lost.  I listen to their breathing to get my mind to stop but the fear persists worse than a knife cutting me into a million pieces.  Who am I?  What have I become?  What have I accomplished so far?  The answer is nobody, nothing and more of nothing.  I want to let it go and give it away.  I want to start over, to be forgiven.  I call out in the night to God.  God who are you?  Do you exist?  Is it all a cruel joke?  Come to me I cry but I don't hear anything just fear beating in my empty heart.  Why me? I ask God.  Why am I so lost?  Why don't I get it?  Show me, God, I beg from a place I've never been.  Show me something, anything to get me to smile again.  Do something to stop this fear that is killing me.  Why are you hiding from me God?  So many other people claim to know you but not me.  Help me please God if you exist would you listen to me? 
Posted by onelostsong on 2008-03-10 13:30:01 | Rating: | Views: 77


Comments


Posted by
ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-03-10 14:01:09
 
Welcome to Thoughts, Nadia ---

Your post moved my heart
to a place of compassion and caring.
God is there .... He has already forgiven you.
His hand is outstretched and reaching toward yours.
His ear is attuned to your words.
I will bring your name into His presence.
The following prayer has helped me countless
times when the night was so dark that I couldn't
see the hand in front of my face.

The Prayer for Protection

The light of God surrounds me;
The love of God enfolds me;
The power of God protects me;
The presence of God watches over me
Wherever I am, God is,
and all is well!

Amen

There are times I have to repeat the words
several times to believe them for myself
and bring calmness to my spirit.
They are words of truth.
Asking God to bless your
soul and spirit with His peace and love.

Peace.
 
 

Posted by
keepdreaming
on 2008-03-12 00:50:14
 
Onelostsong,
You must not think of yourself as nobody. You ARE somebody! You are the mother of 3 beautiful children that need you. You gave them life. Look at them. Now how could "nobody" give life to such beautiful children? Your life does mean something...it means the world to those three children. Whatever brought you to this feeling of hopelessness can be fixed, it can be helped. You need to find that inner Nadia that is in there, and we will all ask God to help you. Honey don't you dare give up. My own mother passed away when I was just 12, and I struggled my entire life without her. A mother is a child's connection to this entire world, without her, they feel like they are just a balloon floating and bouncing around without a connection to anyone. Whatever is in your past is in your past. It doesn't matter to God. He forgives! I have a little piece from the bible I want you to read.

First Book of John reading 4 (partial)

Dear friend! Let us love one another, because love comes from God. Whoever loves is a child of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love for us: he sent his only Son into this world that we might have life through him. This is what love is: it is not that we have love God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the means by which our sins are forgiven.
Dear friends, if this is how God loved us, then we should love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made perfect in us.
This is how we are sure that we live in God and he lives in us: he has given us his Spirit.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless You!
 
 

Posted by
Hollis
on 2008-03-12 06:36:35
 
WHEN THE DISCIPLES SAW HIM WALKING ON THE SEA
THEY WERE TROUBLED, SAYING, IT IS A GHOST! AND
THEY CRIED OUT FOR FEAR. BUT IMMEDIATELY JESUS
SPOKE TO THEM, SAYING, BE OF GOOD CHEER! IT IS I;
DO NOT BE AFRAID. SO HE SAID, COME. AND WHEN
PETER HAD CAME DOWN OUT OF THE BOAT HE WALKED
ON THE WATER TO GO TO JESUS. BUT HE SAW THAT
THE WIND WAS BOISTEROUS, HE WAS AFRAID; AND
BEGINNING TO SINK HE CRIED OUT SAYING "LORD SAVE
ME."
( MATTHEW 14:26,27,29 & 30 *NKJV )

Dear Judy,
Now Peter began to sink because he took his eyes
off of Jesus, and focused on the waves all around him. This
was because his faith faltered. So what did Peter do but
reach out to Jesus who was the only one that could save
him! You see Peter forgot to: WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY
SIGHT. ( 2 CORINTHIANS 5:7 )

Now we may not be walking on water, but when our
troubles surround us, if we focus on them instead of placing
our faith in Jesus, we will start to sink as well!

So, when you are facing difficulties and
troubles surround you; keep your eyes on Jesus' power
rather then on your problems. Also when you are
apprehensive about your troubles, and if you doubt Christ's
presence or His great ability to help; remember that He is
the only one that can really help you as well!

Now tonight why not read this story. You will find it in The
Book of Matthew, Chapter 14, verses 22-33, for wonderful
reading it truly is!

Finally, WATCH, STAND FAST IN THE FAITH
BE BRAVE, BE STRONG. LET ALL YOU DO BE DONE
WITH LOVE. Amen. ( 1 CORINTHIANS 16:13 )

Nadia,
I came across your blog and it reminded me of a email I recieved.
I love to live by the motto of
"WHEN I'M DOWN TO NOTHING, GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING"

Trust him at his word and He will bring you thru all that is troubling you.....

In HIS Love & Service,
Hollis
 
 

Posted by
Hollis
on 2008-03-12 06:40:04
 
Sorry Nadia for the name Judy on my comment....A friend sent it to me that she recieved and I forgot to take her name off the page.
Hope it helps you. God bless you for your honesty..Hollis
 
 

Posted by
keepdreaming
on 2008-03-12 18:05:27
 
Nadia...Please listen to Hollis. It is so true!! Trust in the Lord, don't focus on anything but him right now, and give your troubles over to him. He is waiting to help you.
God Bless!
 
 

Posted by
gymnastix19
on 2008-03-18 16:51:09
 
hey im ur friend! god will always be there for u no matter what. don't give up!
 
 

Posted by
niceley123
on 2008-04-10 14:44:49
 
He'll come you wait and see god has 3 answers to everything yes no and later.He chose later I know I prayed and it always will hapen eventuly start going to church mabe it will come to you there it came to me at church too.
 
 


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onelostsong
Dallas, Texas, United States

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