Hello all. (whoever is actually interested in this)
I'm a first time blogger. I have never really had any interest in this sort of thing before. I guess i made this account just to see if pouring my heart out about my day to day life will make it any easier to cope with life. I'll give it a shot at least and see where it takes me and just remember to all that read this, may not make any sence i'm just typing as i hear it in my head.....

My Life 
I'm a 21 year old mother of two amazing children and I am due to have my third and last in about less than a month. I had my first child when i was at the young age of 16. His father was very abusive emotionally and physically towards me while we were together. By the time i had the baby he had moved far away and we were not together. He was never in my son's life fully until about a year or two ago, i did it on my own. During those  years i tried to go to school to finish up my grade 12, but that did not happen. I  was kinda in and out of a couple relationships, but none too serious. I finally decided that i was going to move to the big city and see if it were easier to focus on school, it would also be easier to get around and get the stuff i needed like groceries etc... Not a month after being there i met this guy and we started dating. He kinda just moved in with me and at first i was so happy to have found him and everything was going great. Then he started getting strange. He started hurting me and was a total moron to my son. The weird thing was is that he didnt even know he was, he wouldnt know his own srength, he didnt think about the things he was doing with my son for example he had him outside in just a diaper in the snow, when i went out and yelled at him and grabbed my son he looked up and was like " what we are just looking at the birdies in the tree". later on he started not coming home for like days at a time and so on, then at the end i finally found out what the problem was, he was a crack addict!! So i knew i needed to get out of that asap! One of my friends told me we can go live with him and his mother, it was fast, affordable, and away from there, so i accepted. During that move this crack addict had broken into my ome on numerous of occasions and stole what he could! After living with my friend for awhile we started dating. it was good. I had turned 19 so was able to go out to the bars and everything, his mother loved my son and would babysit whenever i wanted her too..i was living the life. Eventually the bar sence hit me and i started into the cocaine and E pills, being drunk all the time and having to take some perks to keep me going through out the week...it got bad. i thought i had it made right, time of my life...so this guy wanted to marry me and everything, i agreed. After planning the wedding and telling everyone, i got pregnant!! Thats when i sat down and looked at where my life was taking me...i didnt like thinking about it!! I was going to the shitter, these people i lived with couldnt pay bills, everything was getting cancelled, eviction notices every month, no food in the house etc... I was ashamed and heartbroken, I knew i couldnt ever raise my children in that kind of situation, and was kicking myself in the ass knowing i did this with my son there. It was a big fight but i cancelled the wedding and told them i was leaving!! I moved back to my hometown and lived my life. I didnt really talk to the guy while i was pregnant, but did call him when i went into labour. He was there at the hospital, and thats the last time i saw him. Now he has moved so far away it would take like seven planes just to get there. He tells everyone i kept her away from him and stuff but i never would do such a thing. A couple months before i had my daughter i met  another guy!! This is the man who i am with now. He was wonderful and actually fell in love with me while i was pregnant..who does that lol?? The first year of us being together was GREAT and i mean GREAT! Yes we had our ups and downs but nothing too serious, who doesnt have them right... Well i guess it all started when i was a couple months pregnant, which also was the same time his parents moved into town. He is being this big ASS he calls me names (that sounds kinda childish hey lol) but really mean names, he thinks he knows everything and when i say something i need to shut up cause im a dumbass, he was texting this other girl and when i asked him to stop he blew up!! and said no, now it's stopped (i think) but i got kinda pissed in the first place because she is a girl who works with him right, so they both say they are just friends and stuff, but when he doesnt let me touch his cell phone, and hides it on me...i of course think something is up and dont like it. I told them that being friends at work is fine but taking it to that next level and texting eachother the whole time they are not at work, does not work for me. That little episode really drew a fine line in between us. he started staying at his parents house without even telling me, not helping out around the house,  and things like that. Now I'm stuck here almost ready to pop with his child and he's everywhere else but here. I take care of a 5 year old and a old year old all by myself, i dont drive so im constantly packing them up and walking all around town at  least 2 times a day, I'm currently doing school work at home for my grade 12, i do all the house hold chores everyday, plus now that it's nice, im left doing all the outdoor chores everyday, i need to get organized for this baby so i have been downstairs moving dressers and beds etc... i'm going to end up left to buy the things we still need for him too... I tell him all the time that we need to be prepared like right now for him to arrive but he just keeps on putting it off. I'm HUGE, i'm sore, i'm tired, i'm swollen, and have been ordered by both my doctors to relax the rest of the pregnancy. I have already had walking pheunomia twice and am right now sick with a huge head cold! He goes to work, then he goes to either his parents place or his buddies place afterwards for hours on end to drink and just be byhimself, if he does stay here he does nothing, or he is sleeping. But he works and i stay home so it's fine that he is like that!! HAHAHA well thats what he says anyways. he also says he stays out like that cause he needs a break from the household and work stress!! when is my break?? Maybe im being a little bit selfish here but i just cant do it no more!! i see it in my son how i have been affecting him cause of depression and it KILLS me inside. I just dont have the energy to do anything anymore!! Everything just piles up and piles up and it does NOT ever go down!! I am now having conversations with my sons father about him going to live with him!! OMG i cant do it... my son has been acting out in very mean ways, he's mean to his sister, he yells at me, swings at me, has a BAD temper, he's rude and has no respect for anyone else around him!! I just cant take it no more!! I'm constantly yelling, and when im not doing that im crying!! i cry myself to sleep most nights, what does that accomplish??? nothing!! but i do, i just cant help it! i'm scared im going to hit the deep end and drown!!...................................................

It's late and my boyfriend is almost home from work (hopefully) i need to get off here for the night but will continue tomorrow (if i have time)