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tonight i had an epiphany.

So i started this post hours ago sobing over something about Mike and about how everything is my fault, and i ended up getting interrupted by my roommate Dora, and im coming back to rewrite this post the way it was meant to be written... no sobbing, no shame, no more of me being pathetic and powerless.. basically Dora and I had a three hour discussion about everything i've been feeling... and in the end i finally realized what i knew all along...i guess i'll call it an epiphany.

(Explaining how this all came about is going to be a long story.. i apologize.. but i have to add it in so you can understand everything)

Basically tonight Mike randomly hacked into my facebook account looking for who knows what, and I gave him permission to snoop around because i truly have nothing to hide from him. Well... he ran across this message that this girl sent me while Mike and I were broken up. And it was a mean message (this girl and I didn't get along but that's another story) about something that had happened between me and this guy Tyler two years ago. So what happened was... I was dating Mike at the time and we were happy in love blah blah blah... well one night i got really drunk with one of my friends and ended up making the biggest mistake of my life... i cheated on Mike with this guy Tyler.. who i didn't even like at all. Needless to say I felt AWFUL for what i did.. i was so ashamed of myself and so humiliated and regretful... and of course I had to tell Mike so I did and he was really upset, but decided not to break up with me... well as the story goes... This girl who i didn't get along with sent me this mean message in like January saying " you're a skank ... i saw a video of you and Tyler on Tyler's phone..." Well, i knew nothing about this video... i don't even know if she was telling the truth or not, but either way it makes me sick thinking about it.. either way i did a horrible thing and i'm really ashamed and embarrassed by it.. and either way Mike saw the message so it was a wonderful reminder for him of what i did to him and how much i hurt him. So after he read it and brought it up to me.. he acted really strange and was giving me one word answers and then when i tried to get him to talk about what was bothering him he just said he didnt wanna talk about it and that he was going to bed. And it just made me upset that it came back up after all this time and that it made him upset again and i was crying about it as Dora walked into my room.

(See i warned you that was a long story.. but now comes the epiphany)

So I mentioned up there that Mike never broke up with me after I cheated on him.. well after we talked about what had happened he decided he didn't want to break up over it and he gave me a second chance... but he never TRULY got over it. It broke his heart and things were NEVER the same after that. He didn't look at me the same, kiss me the same, love me the same, he didn't hold me up above everyone else like he used to... and it KILLED me. I knew that i had messed up the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. And i don't know if it made me feel better or worse that he forgave me, but i took the second chance.

And that was the beginning of the vicious cycle, because the more i thought about it, the more i hated the fact that he forgave me. Because forgiving me was a humble thing to do, but I felt like it was being held over my head. I no longer felt like Mike's equal, i felt indebted to him and below him. I felt as if Mike was a better person than I was because I had done a HORRIBLE thing, and he would always remind me that he could never do something like that to me. So after that... i just had this negative image of myself and i kept digging my hole bigger and bigger. I'd pick a stupid fight and i'd provoke it until it turned into something huge and then later he'd make me realize how immature and ridiculous i was... and i'd once again feel really ashamed.. and once again he'd forgive me. He'd always come out the good guy.. the better person.. and i'd be reminded of how bad of a person i was.. how little i deserved someone like Mike. I know that what i had done really hurt him, and I know thats why he brought it up so much, but i don't think he realized how badly it was affecting me on the inside.

So my hole kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper and i just kept feeling worse about myself and i kept seeing Mike forgiving and forgiving as my life seriously spiraled out of control. I lost all self confidence. I thought i was an awful person. I DEFINITELY thought Mike deserved SO much better, and because i was so miserable with my own life.. i reflected that into my relationship with Mike. I was a miserable mess and i had NO idea what was wrong with me. Mike would try to give me advice and help me back on my feet, but I just felt so out of touch with him because in my mind we just weren't even on the same level anymore. He was the good guy and i was the bad guy and finally it got to the point where i had had ENOUGH with being the bad guy. I knew i didn't want to play that role anymore.. i had to get out.

I knew that what I had done in the past was awful... but i was done letting that mistake haunt me. I was a GIRL. I was young, stupid, and very naive. I had made a MISTAKE... a mistake that i'm ashamed of.. but one that many people make growing up. I didn't want that mistake to define who I was anymore... and it was then that i realized that that meant i was going to have to leave Mike. I didn't want to be the girl who cheated on her boyfriend anymore. I wanted to go back to being ME... to being ASHLEA. I didn't want to be the bag guy anymore... because i knew that wasn't who i really was.

As hard a decision as that was for me to make... I truly felt that when i made it... a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I wasn't in a hole anymore. I wasn't below anyone... no one was better than me... i wasn't indebted to anyone... i didn't own anyone anything... I had a chance to start over fresh and that's why when Mike and I first stopped talking... it didn't really bother me. I liked not feeling like the bad guy anymore.. i embraced that feeling... i missed Mike, but i never missed feeling like a bad person.

I know this sounds like i'm blaming my behavior on him, and i'm truly not. I know Mike was a very good person for forgiving me all those times, and giving me more and more chances, but it was my own guilt and shame that was holding the real me prisoner. And i wasn't able to escape that until I got away from Mike and our rocky past.

So today, I feel back to normal. I'm happy with my life. I have confidence in knowing i'm a good person and i know i have a good future ahead of me. I know i deserve to be happy always and i look back at my past and i've learned from it, but it's all behind me now. I no longer let it hold me back. I still regret those things, but i've come to terms with them and know that they cannot be undone. I finally feel free from my past.

Except tonight. Mike has not yet put the past behind him and by him brining the cheating thing back up... and getting that upset about it.. i feel that he was trying to put me back into my bad guy position. But i refuse to let that happen. I am no longer that girl. I think he wants me to be, because then he has all the power, but i am not the person i was even six months ago. Like i said I still feel awful for my actions two years ago, but why should i still let it get me down now? Why should he let it get him down now? We can't change the past... we can only look at the HERE and NOW and look at the opportunity that is right in front of us.

So this is what i plan to tell Mike : Mike, we've been through a lot together. In the past I put you through some pretty awful situations and i am not proud of the way i know i've made you feel. Its been hard for me as well, but i've finally forgiven MYSELF for what i've done. And since then i've worked extremely hard to become the person I always knew i could be. So here I am now.. and i'm asking you to finally FORGIVE ME as well... and not only forgive me.. but to put it behind you. I want you to look at the person i am now and see how far i've come. I know inside you know i'm not that girl anymore. It's been hard for me to swallow your situation with Pacha as well, and to accept the fact that I was almost replaced by her. There has been so much jealousy inside me, but like everything else in our past, it cannot be changed and it is now BEHIND me... it's no longer standing in my way. So if you too can find it in your heart, we can start off BRAND NEW... the past should stay in the past and we can embrace the people we have become because of our mistakes. I know you're still unsure of what you want, but regardless I am asking that you respect me for who i am NOW...

And from there it's in his hands. I've done all that i can do... changed all that i can change, and it's now up to him to figure out his own life, fix his faults, and decide where he wants our relationship to go. I'm not going to stress about it anymore or go out of my way to keep him happy. I like my life the way it is, and i'd love for him to be a part of it, but i cant keep sacrificing my own happiness for his.. and keep ending up upset because he's stuck in the past. So I plan on talking to him when he gets back into town on Sunday and hopefully he can open his eyes and see what i see..