at what point does a person even begin to consider throwing in the towel? at what point is it ok for a person to stop fighting? does it make you weak by giving up or does it show exactly how strong you are? there is a point where everyone eventually gets sick of fighting but the question is what can you live with; the fact that the fight is over or the fact that someone is going to judge you based on you decision to stop fighting? im fighting an internal war right now because part of me wants to stop fighting but the other part of me doesnt want to give up just yet. ive been fighting all my life but what im talking about right now is my 2 year long battle for love. part of me says its been 2 years, what is another 4 months of waiting but the other part of me wonders how much might happen during those 4 months. besides, the situation is now on a whole new playing field because now there is no contact compared to the lengthy phone calls that im use to. i believe that with no contact things are bound to change over these next 4 months, its inevitable. just knowing that i could talk to him every day gave me the motivation to get through each day but now i dont have that motivation. im angered by the thought that he would just assume i would be ok with all of this. but then again im not sure if i even have the right to be angry. am i being selfish because the person that i love more than anything  wants me to wait for him and i dont know if i can or is he being selfish by expecting that i would. i understand that he is the person i love and i should want to do anything for him but how our relationship was before was hard and this, well this just seems impossible. honestly how are you supposed to just stop a relationship for 4 months and expect things not to change? i asked him how this was supposed to work, if i was supposed to just sit here and wait for him and he said if i didnt want to then no but if i did then yes. what the hell kind of answer is that? and since it was a text message its not like i could hear the hidden meaning behind that like i could have if it was spoken to me. you know what i mean, the sound he gets in his voice that tells you what he really wants you to choose. the past 2 years have been hard, on both of us but it has definitely been worth it. that is what makes me think the next 4 months will pay off too but if you think about it 4 months is a pretty long time and a lot can happen during that time. im not saying im going to do everything i can to change in the next 4 months, im just saying i dont want to miss out on anything. wow that is such a weird thought for me because ive never thought i was missing out on things because of my boyfriend. we have that kind of relationship where we dont want to hold each other back from anything. so then why am i all of a sudden worried about missing opportunities? its weird how all of this has got me thinking. maybe these next 4 months will actually be good for us. maybe it will make us (especially him) realize how much we love each other and how good we are together. or maybe just the opposite will happen, its bound to happen sooner or later so why not sooner rather than later, right. everything happens for a reason. its been a long fight but i think its only the beginning...

-notyouraveragegirl-