Kristen comes stumbling out of the bedroom with a sombrero and a smirk and I just dont know what to think... She's only had a little whiskey and coke, but then I discover she's had a lot of weed. Never been around drug users before (aside from my estranged father) and it was weird. She was definitely not all there, but she wasn't missing out, either, that's for sure!

So from the beginning of the evening things were strange. We called saferide from the apts to get back to my friend's at the UC because Kristen and Colton were both high and Eldon and I had had enough to drink it was probably not the best idea for us to drive. Especially me in that gorgeous car - a new Mustang, mettalic blue with windows tinted to resemble a rock star's limo. I'd have had entirely too much fun with that!

When we get back the decision is made that we will go downstairs to a "risky business" party. This means that everyone has to wear a dress shirt and shades. Oh yea, and no pants... Im still shocked I was that brave, but the girls outnumbered the guys fairly well and I'd had enough that I was feelin it. So I put on Colton's blue dress shirt with a matching tie and headed down with the group. 

Kristen left early and it was hilarious to see her pop her head out around the corner of her door, "Kristen's room is off limits!" She giggled. So we let her sleep..

Played a little beer pong and had a cigarette fix (shame on me, I know..) and had a good time. Then, I started texting Grady. Why he always comes to mind when Im drunk, I have no idea. Well, I have some idea... But anyways, Im flirting and he realizes Im not, exactly.. me. So he stops txting back and I call - this part I dont remember, but he explained it all this morning. 

"Something about leading you on and how you had a remedy for that. Left me your number." He said. I'm thinking, damn it's a good thing you live 200 miles away...

Id never even think of cheating on Shea, so why I texted that asshole is still a mystery to me.. But really, I know the way I am and that I get bold when I'm drinking - so that's really why. I just wish he knew what it was like every time I had to talk to him again. How my heart races and I just beg it to stop so that I can let go - move on with my life..

Pitiful, I agree. So I joined the party again when he stopped answering. Pong was good for a while, then I got a new partner. Now I'd met DJ JD before, and I already had that creepy feeling about him. But since when do I listen to myself? Im usually wrong about that stuff. 

I also believe I can bring out the side of someone I worry about, too. Like it's just me they will be that weird, bad person around. 

So we step to the porch and he begins talking about 'enjoying each other's company' and all this bull. I continuously decline repeating, "I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend." 

He backs up a little when I say this, but only for a second before his arm is back around my waist. I try to slide back to the door and he starts kissing my neck and using his other hand. I say, "It's cold, maybe we should go in.." But before we make it to the door he's got both my hands in his fist. He looks at me and I nearly break down. But I know to keep my head - this isn't going to happen again..

I smile politely and swing into the door and it sweeps open - alleluia! He lets go and follows me in. I move to the table and he sidles in behind me. Now his hands are busy again and I dont like this at all... I look for Colton but dont see him so turn to this JD charcter on my own. "Just stop." I say calmly. "Just stop. I have a boyfriend." 

"No, I promise. Nothing gonna happen. Just enjoy each other's company" he says. The next move he made shocked me. He took my left hand and plced a large ring on my ring finger. "I promise." he repeats. 

Colton grabs my other hand and I almost cry with relief. I had been trying to catch his attention all night!! "Dude, she's got to go to bed." He tells him.

"But there's a bed right here" he says, pulling me further toward the door of his room. "No. I gotta go upstairs." I tell him. "Sorry, I gotta go." 

I yank my hand from his and remove the ugly stone. Once he has it back I slide behind Colton. I tug at his sleeve and we both move toward the door, him still mumbling excuses to JD. 

The moment I made it outside I began balling into my hands. Sometimes you just get all mixed up and feel like everything happens to you... We got upstairs without trouble after that and I thanked Colton profusely for saving me. Im sure the only other option would have been violent.. 

An understatement would be that it was not a good night. Today has not been quite the best either.. First, I tell megan of the insanity of the night and then I must text Grady. The jobless cop doesn't respond immediately, but I know he will later.

And from out of nowhere, Kurt, my sperm-donor, texts me. Im sure it was his girlfriend, especially since when the call came it was her on the other end. She let him talk for a minute, but then we lost service. 

I never know what to say to him, but I started this time with "Hey, how are you?" 

He's "fine." Flat and toneless. I try not to echo his negativity when I reply, "Yea? What ya doin?"

"Oh, just drivin 90 down the road. Cops keep pullin me over.." I wonder if he's been drinking.. I now wait for another call his girlfriend promised when they get to Bartlesville. Id prefer that they forget..

There's too much to do to be sitting here typing, but the only way I will remember all of this or that I will feel any better about it is to get it all out...