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| Frustration, sadness, regret & heartache...
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ok, so a little more than a year ago, I married what I thought was the man of my dreams...wow, was I so not prepared for this. I don't know if every young couple goes through this, or if I really just married the wrong man. My husband tells me all the time that he thinks that he's not the right man for me, and that he doesn't know if he's what's best for me or not. At first I took it as him just being a goof, which he is all the time, however....it's getting to be more frequently that he says these things to me. He is now working 2 jobs to support our family, and he's gone from 3:30 in the am until 6 pm 3 days a week, and the rest of the time he's gone from 8 am or so until 6pm. I work as a photographer in the evenings, and we kinda pass the kids as we run out the door for work. My husband seems to think I am more of a mother than a wife...and doesn't understand that I need to be an adult, and a woman. I want more than anything to be happy again, and I don't know if it's my husband that can do that for me. We never make love, if thats what you call the 15 minutes we spend in bed once every couple of months. My best friend hates my husband and my mother is about useless when it comes to help and advice. I called her last night after I spent the whole day online looking up an old friend on myspace, and emailing him. It occured to me last night while I was walking around shopping for our daughters bday gifts that I had spent an entire day working online looking for a man that I haven't seen in ten years and who knows what he must think of me right now. I know that I allowed another man to invade my heart a long time ago...and I don't know if it was ever open for him...or if I was just lonely and missing this other man. He made a good substitute...but not the real thing. I asked my husband last night to stop telling me that he doesn't think he's the right man for me if that's not how he really feels, and all he did was tell me he loved me and walked away to bed. We share nothing more than children. Our daughter doesn't care about her father at all. She constanly hits him and tells him to leave her alone, and I don't blame her. He walked away from her while I was still pregnant, and didn't come back until she was 2 1/2. I allowed him to come back because I was lonely, and I had given up on finding this other man. How ironic is it that everytime I run into this guy, I am always with someone? Before yesterday I believed that God intended me to be with this other man and that if I ever found him again I would leave the person I was with to go to this guy. However now....faced with the exact issue I don't know what to do? I want more than anything to be a good person and I don't believe in cheating...I will not cheat on my husband. I may however end up divorced if things can't get better. So...if anyone out there reads this and has any suggestions.....I'm open to them all!!! : )
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Posted by nikilynn1113 on 2007-09-06 12:15:47 | Rating: | Views: 285
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Hey :) after reading your comment, I took the liberty of going through your blog and then thought... man...what I'm going through is nothing as compared to what you are! Having a child along with all this going on must be so hard! But I would encourage you to think about yourself first and then your daughter... you're shaping someone's life. If it begins with hatred and is filled with that, they're not going to have a good life! Try having a chat to your daughter and then your husband and ask them to resolve their differences...talk it out.. heart to heart.. and you try doing the same with him.. I know it's hard.. hard to talk..when they don't want to..but I guess we just need to keep on pressing on...
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Posted by derby
on 2007-09-09 19:49:26
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well, I'm grateful you're marriage isn't this bad. I did talk to my daughter, and told her that daddy doesn't live here anymore. Her only thought was ok, I don't like him so much mommy... how sad :( I asked him to leave last night, and he is gone now. I have to now go through the usual find day care and a full time job becuase I have lived the housewife role for so long. Hope you're having a great day!!
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Posted by nikilynn1113
on 2007-09-12 15:14:21
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nikilynn, with your husband working 2 jobs and you working evenings, honey, it's no wonder your marriage and love life is NOT what you had hoped it would be! You CANNOT build a relationship just passing each other on your way in/out the door, especially, having been together for such a short time!
If you had not already sent him packing, I would say that "Something's gotta give!". I don't mean to be hurtful or cruel, but it sounds to me like you have already 'cheated' on your husband, in your heart, if you are looking for this other man and still carrying a torch for him.
I can't help but wonder why you would allow a 2 yr. old to show such dislike and disrespect for her father? Children are very impressionable and learn by imitating what they have see and hear. They are also, very quick to pick up on one's feelings towards others, even at such a young age.
Why do you think your husband works 2 jobs to support you and your child/children? Do you think it just might be because he loves all of you? I know that may NOT seem VERY ROMANTIC to you NOW, but, for a man to work that hard to make sure his family is taken care of is nothing short of spectacular to me! (I've only been married to my husband for 32 yrs., so, after a while, you learn the true measures of a loving husband and a REAL man!)
I sincerely hope that you will re-evaluate your situation and make sure that this is what you REALLY want, because you just may end up without either of these 2 men OR you may find that Romeo is NOT who you remember him to be....and then, what?
I truly hope everything works out for the best for everyone involved! :)
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Posted by Alice
on 2007-09-14 02:44:14
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I was just feeling to add more to my earlier comment....
I believe that the reason your husband questions whether he is the right man for you or if he is best for you, is because he feels insecure as to your feelings for him. He feels helpless about what to do or even if he can do anything to make you love him.
If after searching your heart, you find that you DO have feelings for your husband and/or you feel that your marriage is worth saving, PLEASE consider counseling for the both of you! If he can't or won't go, go without him!
Somehow, someway, you need more alone time, together, as well as, family time! It will be good for your marriage, and it will, over time, help the relationship between your daughter and her father!
I wish you all well....I really do care! :)
If you CANNOT love your husband, and show him honor and respect, and you continue to let your child show disrespect to him as well, then, MAYBE you should divorce! No one, ABOLUTELY NO ONE, should have to endure being treated like that for the rest of their lives!
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Posted by Alice
on 2007-09-14 14:15:35
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Ouch! That last paragraph sounded a little harsh! All I'm trying to say is that unkind words and actions towards another can cause low self-esteem and feelings of no self-worth, which can in turn, last a life time!
I understand you have needs, too! I don't mean to imply that they are not important....that's why I suggested that BOTH of you get counciling! I hope you both can find peace and happiness! :)
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Posted by Alice
on 2007-09-15 12:30:05
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well, after talking to my husband...and explaining how I felt and what i wanted, his only question was where's the suitcase so I can pack my Xbox. I wish I could say that he cared enough to even ask if I was sure...but he didn't. My 4 year old daughter however is taking it rather well...and she's going to be seeing him as soon as she gets over the cold she has. I know what killed my marriage, and unfortunately i don't agree that all we needed was more time together. I have so not had his best intrest in my heart from day one, and I was selfish to marry him in the first place. I knew I was still in love with this other man and I shouldn't have gone through with the wedding. I don't pretend that he is to blame in all of this, we both made our mistakes. I own mine and I am ok with my choices, there is a reason for everything that happens in this world. As far as "Romeo" he sent me an email back and we talked for a few. The very next day he booked a flight up here to tell me just how much he really does still love me. I asked my husband to leave the day before this all happened....and we are now in the process of divorcing, and "romeo" and I are working on talking about our future and what we both expect and need from one another...maybe if I hadn't waited 10 years to tell him how much I loved him, I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess in the first place. I just wish I hadn't made such a huge mistake in life. This is affecting so many people, our families and friends as well as us...and it has caused great grief in our lives. But I truly believe that I have made the right deision, my husband shouldn't live the way we were living, and neither should our children. I hope that I find the love and genuine respect for another to keep a marriage going for 32 years!! Congratulations!
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Posted by nikilynn1113
on 2007-09-16 20:48:02
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I'm afraid I can't take the credit for this one...you don't know HOW MANY TIMES I came close to leaving in the early years! But God's grace and mercy helped me through the bads times which made the good all that much more special!
My earlier wish still stands: that you both find peace and happiness, whether it is together or you each go your own separate way....also, that your children feel loved by both! :)
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Posted by Alice
on 2007-09-16 22:08:49
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Thank you Alice...I do appreciate the well wishes. I am working on the peace and happieness here at home, and I pray everyday that he finds it too. I don't hate him and I don't ever wish him bad. Have a great day!
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Posted by nikilynn1113
on 2007-09-17 08:13:15
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Let me add a male voice to this...and defend Niki. I married my wife over 10 years ago and I would have not have done it if I had listened to the voices that told me not to. Problem is that was a lil voice in me, everyone else thought it was a great idea, so I did too. While life can not be "the heart wants what the heart wants" w/o any thought as to other people, sometimes you need to feed your heart or it dies. Niki, I am with you after his reaction. There are good people who are good, loving people that have great hearts that just can not give us the depth of love we need.
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2007-10-05 10:23:16
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Well thank you for the defense there!! "Romeo" and I just got off the phone and every time I talk to him he reminds me of how much I love him and how grateful I am for his presence in my life! C'mon...when a man uses the words beautiful, sexy, gorgeous & love of my life to describe you...how do you not fall hopelessly in love with them!!
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Posted by nikilynn1113
on 2007-10-06 18:50:00
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