Thoughts.com Blogs - to be honest

Honesty has never been a strong point in our family. I would even go so far as to say that we are pathological liars, and we lie the most to ourselves. Maybe a lot of people do that, but I've never met so many liars in just one family... well we're not swindlers or anything criminal, with us it's more like a disease- it's not something we want. We're in denial most of the time.

Two things which get me out of this state:

PRAYING.

WRITING. Or blogging, I should say.

The first one is obvious: I can't lie to God. Anybody who does that is truly sick. As for writing, it's always been the most honest part of me. It may not be the best part, but it's the one real thing about me.

Okay, so what brought on this need to soulsearch...I don't know, I just had a good day at work and I wanted to thank God for that. I also want to apologize for being so scared. I've always been scared, that's probably the root cause of all the lying and the hiding.

I haven't had much success in my work (the previous one, at least- still too early to tell for the present one) and in any of my relationships because the fears always held me back. I don't really know what I'm scared of, I've built such a great wall around myself that I can't even see what's out there anymore. I am trying to chip away bits and pieces of it and I believe today I've managed to tear down a big section:

I made two sales today! (Thank You!!!)

I've also built smaller sections, of course. When I got in for work early this AM, one of the managers called me up (I had a mini panic attack because I hadn't even logged in yet and already I was in trouble?!) to introduce me to a co-worker. He actually introduced me to two guys, but the first guy said it's not him but the other one who likes me. The whole thing was embarrassing. The manager did apologize sweetly, saying that he had just wanted to brighten the day up for the guys. Aww.

Anyway, the second guy (Ton?) later came up to my seatmate and tried to include me in the conversation. I kind of turned my back because a) I was busy and b) I was scared (duhh). To be brutally honest, I was scared because he was cute and nice and I'm not any of those things. I wasn't wearing my usual long-sleeved top/jacket/cover-up (what was I thinking right?!) and I didn't want him to see my scars. Physical and emotional.

I hate pretending. I don't know why I do it. And I'm always scared the're going to see me one day and then run screaming the other way. That's the story of my life so far, about never living up to expectations or first impressions...

I don't know who to hate sometimes, them for not being able to see and understand or me for hiding the truth. Maybe a little of both.

But I do thank God that I can see and maybe one day I'll be brave enough to make others see as well.