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I am struggling with my disappointment in myself right now. I am disappointed in myself for gaining 40 pounds over the last couple of years, and I am disappointed in myself for being disappointed in myself about something as fivolous as weight. Strange how that works.
I have always been a firm believer that body size and shape don't matter. The human body is beautiful in all it's variations. I can easily look at a woman twice my size and see the beauty in her, but for some reason I can't see myself as beautiful or sexy at this size. I wonder why that is.
As I have gotten heavier, my self confidence and self image, as well as my sex drive, have waned. I used to get dressed in front of the mirror, and now I get dressed and then step in front of the mirror, and I'm never happy with what I see there. I'm making love to my husband far less frequently than I used to, and I can't do it with the lights on anymore. I don't deal with people I meet every day with the same confidence I used to. My stress levels are way up, and I've been feeling depressed.
I have a minor issue with the joints in my knees and ankles, a slow deterioration of the joints that the doctor tells me will lead to arthritis farely early in life. I used to hardly ever feel it, but as I've gotten heavier and the stress on my joints increases, hardly a day goes by that my ankles don't swell in contestation. Maintaining my health should have been reason enough for me to get to work on bringing my weight back down, but therein lies the problem. I am working hard now to get the weight off, not because of my health, but because I want to feel pretty again. More than that, I am not working to get back to the 135 pounds I used to weigh, but to 125!
I have battle with myself about the implications of this thinking, and I have been unable to come up with any clear answers. Perhaps it's just that I am as shallow as the majority of the world is. Maybe it's true that size does matter, and I was wrong in my thinking that it didn't or shouldn't. Either way, there's no denying that loosing this weight will improve my health and prolong the steading waring of my joints, so I will continue on my trek to 125 pounds. Perhaps along the way I will regain my confidence and desire. I have no issues with the road I'm on, just the reason I'm on it, and perhaps that doesn't matter as much as I like to think.
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Posted by nashea on 2008-04-03 04:30:00 | Rating: | Views: 69
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Day two of my new take-care-of-myself attitude. I hurt! It's been so long since I've actually worked out it's becoming clear that I can't pick up where I left off. I used to be in the gym all the time, and constantly running with fun and healthy things to do. What happened to me? It just seemed like I quit enjoying life.
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Posted by nashea
on 2008-04-03 14:05:46
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