I haven't posted in a while.  It's hard for me to write down what I really feel and my thoughts about each topic until I'm actually in it and struggling with that problem.  I seem to struggle a lot, though very few people ever realize.  My struggles are all within me, as I try to deal with the emotional and psychological damage I've sustained throughout my life at the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.  Day to day I face the world.  Everyone knows that I'm strong, confident, and independent.  I need no one.  No matter how hard life gets, I can deal with it.  That's how I am.  That's how I have to be. 

I'm such a fool!  I have spent so long thinking that what I've been through made me older than I am, and that's true.  I know things that most women my age don't know because they haven't seen and survived what I have.  But I am still barely more than a child.  I HAVE been through a lot, and I have learned so much.  There really is nothing that I can't get through.  I believe that.  But that doesn't mean the I'm ready for everything, and I am learning now that I can no longer make it on my own.  I am not a lone warrior against the world, and to attempt that fight is impossible.  That doesn't make me weak.  We all depend on someone or something sometimes.  I depend on my fience, who has loved and supported me in every way from the beginning.  The one person I can be entirely candid with without the comfort of annonimity like I have with those of you who read this journal.  I can tell you everything because you don't know me.  You can't judge me or hurt me.  If you leave me, I've lost nothing.  I can tell him everything because he can judge me and hurt me, and if he leaves me I'll be in the fight of my life to stay afloat and in control of my future and my emotions, but he won't.  No matter what I've been through or what I've done in my past, he accepts it and stands with me.  He knows everything, and he's still here.  Everyone, I think, has to have that if they're going to take on their world and try to stay strong.  They need someone like that - a second warrior to fight beside them, and fort to fall back to, and a heart when one's own in running on empty.  He does that for me, and I'd be lost without him.

No one's life is ever easy.  Life wasn't intended to be easy.  We struggle from our mothers' wombs, and we continue that struggle until we return to the womb of the Great Mother.  Even then, who really knows if we get to rest.

I don't mean to complain about it.  I know how life is, and I know that there's no other way for it to be.  It's hard because it has to be.  Without the pain of struggle and defeat, we would never be able to appreciate the comfort and glory of success.  We wouldn't learn to fight, and that we have the strength to make our way and find our place.  It's hard, so that we can be hardened.

I am posting today because my own struggle to find my way and my place on Her earth has brought me to knew pains that are challenging me in a way I wasn't ready for.  My struggles with my mother came to a head a while back, and I started to write in this "journal" to vent my anger and disappointment to the world without thoroughly exposing and dishonoring her.  It wasn't all bad, and I owe her that much.  I chose during that conflict with my mother, that I could no longer tollerate the steady stream of misuse.  I made the break with my family, and we left.  My wonderful fience, who has, so far, never hurt me or given me reason to doubt him, agreed to help me make a new life.  He is very close with his family, and so I know it was hard for him to pack up his life and move 2,000 miles away from them.  We left Illinois for Arizona - a whole new world and a new life for us.  The plan was a simple one.  We would get here, find jobs, and make it work.  I would be away from the immediate torment of my family.  They can't get to me here.  They can't just show up and throw my life into termoil.  It was a good plan.

My true age has shown itself again.  It was a simple and idealistic plan to just simply go and "make it work".  Idealism is one of my dominating traits.  I see things the way they should be, and I strive for that.  Sometimes I let myself be blinded by the way it should be, and I miss the way it is.  My big change in my life has not, of coarse, gone as planned.  In fact, almost nothing has gone according to plan, and I have to take responsibility for that.  It is entirely my own doing.  I have been lazy.  I've been sitting back and just waiting for it to work.  I don't know if it's the shock of this huge change, or if maybe I've gotten too used to Chuck taking care of things for me, or maybe I'm 23 and still a bit irresponsible.  I suppose it doesn't matter what my reasons are.  I'm failing at this, and that has to change quickly.  We won't make it much longer if I don't get to work and get things done.  I'm just so tired of struggling.  We were supposed to be able to make more money out here.  Instead we have about a third of our usual income.  We both keep getting sick, too, which isn't helping. 

We have a real chance here to make something work.  We can make this happen.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm just so used to fighting for it, that somewhere inside me I don't want it to be easy.  All my dreams are within my reach, and I'm just not reaching out to them.  Now that it's there, and I can see how easy it would be to get what I've always wanted, I'm afraid to try for it.  It's finally easy, and now I'm afraid to fail.  I've fought for my life without the fear that I wouldn't make it.  I've fought for my son without fear I wouldn't succeed.  I've fought for love without worrying that I might lose it.  Now I'm looking at the chance to be debt free, to have the wedding I've always wanted, and to open my own business and make my mark.  I have a wonderful man by my side through it all, and a perfect son who is more than I've ever dreamed a child could be.  I have it all right here in front of me.  So why am I now giving up the struggle?  It's starting to look like the final leg of a very long marathon to my own real, whole, and complete life - without people around me to bring me down or ruining each little victory.  So why now?  Why am I getting weak now?  Why am I scared now?

I fought before when I had nothing to lose like I was fighting for the world.  Now I have the world, my own world, in my hands, and I've stopped fighting.  My confidence is waning.  My strength seems to be giving in.  I can't lose this.  I can't lose what I've worked so hard to achieve.  I beat the odds.  I came up from years of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and I became a person who is whole and strong.  Not many people can do that.  I won't lose it now.  I can't fail in the end just because I'm so used to being down.  I have to get back up, like I always have, and just keep going.  There's nothing in my way now.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm having trouble fighting because there isn't anyone I'm fighting against.  It's just me, and a very simple task at hand.   It's easy.  Just do it.  No one is stopping you.  No one is trying to pull you down.  No one's in the way.  For once in my life, everyone around me wants to see me succeed.  Everyone is on my side.  This is what I wanted, and now I have it.  And now I'm going to go and keep it...