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| The Living, Haunting by N. Alexander Price |
Following the death of us...our relationship...I attend its funeral in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY and mourn for you and I...intently.
I replay the good times and review the bad times. Even though my eyes see you in the real world almost every day, in the silence of my own head you haunt me. Visions of you haunt me mercislessly. Imaginings of what you're doing, and how much I'd give to be with you wherever you are.
Is it bad to continually torture myself with your memory? Yes.
Will I stop? No time soon.
As much as I wish to be free of your residence in my sub-conscious, a part of me clings desperately to any memory - happy or otherwise - that I can conjure up.
But there is a nightmare-like side to your haunting. The dull pain of realization. The reality check that somewhere you are seeking comfort and pleasure from the arms of another man. That is a nightmare. One that strikes my brain whenever and wherever it so chooses with reckless abandon.
The detailed sight that my wicked emotions play on repeat before my eyes constantly kill me a little bit more each time. Your beautiful face cooing and moving with divine pleasure from a source that is not me. I wake from this fright with a racing heart and the familiar dull, painful ache in the pit of my stomach.
I keep doing this to myself. I keep torturing myself with the ghost of you. A beautiful demon that haunts me viciously. The ghost I try to hold on to in the midst of slumber. I grasp for your ghost with the same arms that clawed for you in the bed we shared, made love in...made a family in.
I can smell your ghost. A sweet scent that I recall from memory without even thinking about it. A smell that triggers wonderful memories of the taste of your skin. But my hands only grab emptiness. A void space that I wish you would re-occupy. But I know you won't.
You haunt me mercislessly.
"The only power anyone has over you is the power you give them." Then it seems I've given you far too much power my love. The power I've relinquished has cost me dearly, but there is a sick, twisted desire at work within me. A desire that yearns for you...regardless.
You haunt me mercilessly. I am haunted by the living.
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