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| Pain Threshold |
It hurts when I look at you because you don't look back at me with anything more than the acknowledgement of another physical presence simply occupying your line of vision.
It hurts me that when you look at me I see nothing in your eyes. I see nothing of the woman that once stared at me and told me she loved me. That hurts.
It hurts me that everytime you as much as smile at me or chuckle at a comment I make, I fly at the speed of memory back to the days when you wanted to see me.
It hurts me that even now - more than a year after our separation - I still yearn for you with every piece of me.
It hurts me that my body can still conjure the unmistakable taste of your skin. Your scent that I can pick out of a crowd in an instant. It hurts me that I crave you like a fix.
It hurts me that on nights when our daughter is with me and we're curled up in bed after watching one of her cartoons for the millionth time, she looks up at me and says she misses you. It hurts because without missing a beat I instantly reply "I miss Mommy too".
It hurts me that I - both consciously and uncinsciously - make myself there and available to you whenever you need, for whatever you need...even though it pains me.
It hurts me that no matter how many times I replay the words you said to me - "I'm not in love with you anymore" - in my head, I still intentionally subscribe to the fantasy of us being together again.
It hurts me so much that I'm still unwaiveringly, knee-deep in love with you after all that's happened between us.
It hurts me that I so badly want to hear you tell me that you still love me...even though for all intents and purposes I know that I'll never hear those words again.
But the most hurtful thing is that I don't think I can physically bear the sound of your voice saying that you still DON'T love me anymore.
It hurts me that I want to know, but am so terrified of the answer that I dare not ask the question.
It just hurts.
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