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| Hi, I'm Molly, and I Make Poor Decisions
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So, I'm probably doing the dumbest thing I could do. I'm just asking for a heartache now, but I'm Molly, and I make bad decisions. I finally talked to Jim tonight....here's how it went:
Jim: Late call...you go out last night? I'm not afraid...just don't want to hurt feelings. (I had messaged him the night before telling him that I didn't mean to call him and that he doesn't have to be afraid to talk to me)
Me: Why is it only possible that my feelings are going to be hurt?
Jim: No, not just your feelings, both of ours. I'm just kinda goin with the flow right now.
Me (getting really, really annoyed): You are driving me crazy with this. I mean, just be honest with me...would you rather just not see or talk to me? You aren't going to hurt my feelings...I'll appreciate the honesty.
Jim: No, it's not that. You're a great girl. I just want to have fun, and have no ties when I move. We can talk and see each other, I just don't want attachment by either of us.
Me(wanting to say it's a little too late for no attachment): I completely agree with all of that. I was drunk Friday, and shouldn't have said anything. If we ever hang out again, no talking allowed just fooling around.
Jim: Agreed
Am I stupid or what? I deserve to have my heart broken now. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....it is pretty much impossible to have a friends with benefits type of relationship when there are feelings involved. So why am I going ahead with this? Well, there are mainly 3 pathetic reasons:
1. The sex is absolutely amazing....just the thought of him touching me turns me on. What sucks though...after he moves, I don't see any other guy measuring up to him (I'm talking about skill more than size, but I can't complain about the size at all). So, I feel sorry for the next guy that comes along in my life.
2. I fell so hard for him that I will take any time I can with him. I've never had so much fun with a person. I can't believe how well we hit it off, sex aside. There aren't that many people you can stay up talking with til the sun rises almost everynight.
3.(This one is a little far-fetched, probably the most pathetic of the three, might not make sense, and probably not possible) If I can turn off any feelings for him when I'm with him, I can focus on using my charm, and maybe get him to fall for me as much as I have for him....if he isn't there already. This is really selfish of me, but I'm here to be completely honest....I want him to be hurting more than I am when he moves. I want him to wonder if he is moving away from the girl that is perfect for him. When he moves into his new place, I want him to still be missing me and wondering about me months afterwards.
I know it's horrible of me to wish that on him. I do want him to be happy, but there is a big part of me that is mad at him. I'm in a venting mood right now, so I'm just going to list all the reasons I am mad at him. I am mad at him for:
- For telling Jill that he was interested in me.
- For kissing me that first time at his house, and being good at it.
- For being so patient when he found out that I wanted nothing to do with him....he just used his charm and won me over. I think that is one of the reasons I like him so much. I've never had a guy I wanted nothing to do with, didn't even think was cute, completely win me over like this.
- For wanting to talk to me everyday.
- For asking me how my day was every night.
- For showing up at places I was at, because he wanted to see me.
- For telling me he was falling for me.
- For the looks he gave me.
- For how well he read me.
- For making me so happy for the past month and a half.
- For making me so sad when he said he was moving.
- For holding me when we slept.
- For kissing me on the head when he thought I was asleep.
- For helping me throw up.
- For making me laugh throughout the day or smile at the thought of him.
- For saying things that made me speechless....I am never speechless.
- For getting jealous about other guys even though he doesn't want anything serious with me.
- For tearing up the other night when we were talking about our feelings for each other.
- For being so damn good in bed
- For making me fall for him when he had intentions to move to another state
They are a little corny, but it felt good to get all that off my chest. I am sooo mad right now, but I don't know who I am mad at more: Jim for all those reasons I listed or at myself, for allowing myself to fall for him like I did. I usually believe that everything happens for a reason, but what if there are those times that people screw up what is supposed to happen by the choices they make? I mean, how many people are with the person they were meant to be with? I'm not saying Jim is the one for me, but it isn't impossible. What if there are just some people that miss out on being with that perfect person for them? There are plenty of people out there that have referred to someone as, "the one that got away." I think I am scared that I will always wonder "what if" about Jim. What if I don't find anyone better than him or even equivalent to him? I don't know.....maybe I'm an emotional, PMSing mess of a girl right now. |
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Posted by nakedtruth on 2008-03-27 03:41:46 | Rating: | Views: 173
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Hey Molly ....
I know where you are coming from .... I have been there. And yes, I also ask myself "WHAT IF". And no, I have not met someone to take that place yet, and I doubt if I ever will. The saddest part is, that we have lost total contact. I do hope that things will get better for you tho ... and I hope that Jim boy comes around and scoops you up to spend the rest of your time together!
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Posted by Theresia_Harvard
on 2008-03-27 04:13:56
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Awww you said what you thought he wanted to hear. If you see him again, I'd be honest with him and tell him you have feelings for him. If that causes him to not want to hang out, then that's that, but at least you'd know. I'm sorry he's messing with you like this. Men... damn them.
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-03-27 11:21:10
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why dont you go with him =]
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Posted by ohjane
on 2008-03-27 22:49:14
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Jeez Louise gsh2096 that was pretty intense post/response you have there. Molly, I am so sorry Jim is moving, it sounds like you two could really have something good. Where is he moving to? Does he have to move for a job? Is it far away? I think he is going to be very miserable with out you for sure!!
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Posted by brenbrad
on 2008-03-30 21:25:43
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hey molly. its ok. everyone in the world makes bad decisions.
its human.
love is just a trick nature plays on us so we reproduce.
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Posted by qwertylicious
on 2008-04-13 22:42:09
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