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I am having one of the worst, as TheAlredyJaded likes to put it, “emotional hangovers” ever! I absolutely hate how this weekend turned out and am regretting everything I said to Jim. I was being bitchy and playing games with him. I think I do it because I am so frustrated with this whole situation and frustrated with him that I resort to trying to piss him off. I sent him a text this morning apologizing for my behavior. I said, “Hey Jim…I just wanted to say sorry…I was being bitchy, or how you like to say, “getting tough” with you the whole weekend and I feel bad. Hope you have a good day.” After I sent it, part of me regretted it. He probably thinks I am absolutely loony….or bipolar. I really should not talk to him when I am PMSing, because that time of the month and this situation is not a good combination.
Well, he responded saying, “Not a problem…you were definitely trying to be tough.” I said, “Trying is the key word there. If I do that again call me out on it and tell me to knock it off. You don’t have to take my crap.” His lovely response was, “Yeah, it’s not that easy when you are wasted.” Ouch….truth hurts. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I wanted to tell him the truth….that this whole thing is so frustrating that I end up taking it out on him: that his unwillingness to tell me what he is feeling is hurting me: that not knowing where I stand with him is driving me crazy: that knowing I am going to be the one that ends up hurt scares the crap out of me, and the fact that I know I am going to be the heartbroken one but I continue with this escapade in spite of it scares me even more. I don’t really think I was being that mean to him, but I was mean enough to feel bad about it. As usual, I didn’t tell him exactly how I was feeling or the real reason for my behavior. Instead, I took the humor route (aka masking my feelings route) and said, “I’m sorry….can I blame it on being sexually frustrated? I’ve heard lack of sex can cause bitchiness, especially for sex addicts like myself” (BTW…joking about the sex addict thing ha). He laughed and said, “I guess.”
He makes me feel like I am losing my mind. It doesn’t help that Aunt Flow is toying with my emotions as well. I really feel like curling up in my bed and having a good cry. I haven’t cried over Jim in awhile. I foolishly thought that I had used up all my tears crying over this whole ordeal. Obviously, the pilates didn’t release enough endorphins to get me out of this funk. I am going to go running with Jill after work today….I hope that helps.
I just don’t understand why he only wants to talk to me late at night, on the weekends, after he has been out drinking; how he acts as if he cares then, but as soon as the sun rises he is back to acting withdrawn and indifferent. This is why I can’t work up the courage to call him myself during the week or whatnot; because he acts like he doesn’t want to talk to me.
Part of me believes that he is just lonely, knows I care about him, and is just using me to fill some emotional void until he finds a girl out in Cali to take my place. Then there is another part of me that thinks there is no way he can not possibly feel the same way I do. After all that has been said and done between us, he just has have the same feelings as I do. This part of me wonders maybe he realizes his feelings for me and it completely freaks him out. I sometimes wonder that maybe he realized his feelings for me way before I realized how deep mine were for him, and that is why he spazzed on me the first time. That is all hopeless-romantic, unrealistic thinking though. Eww…I make myself want to puke. I seriously do feel sick to my stomach over this; I have no appetite, the thought of food makes me queasy, I feel anxious, and am short of breath almost to the point of dizziness. What is wrong with me?! I can't believe I allowed myself to get this way over a guy.
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Posted by nakedtruth on 2008-07-21 17:25:00 | Rating: | Views: 64
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Don't stress! I get the emotional hangovers too, but you know we are our own worst critic. I bet you are thinking it is worse than it is.
And don't let a guy stress you out that bad. It's not worth it. Harder said than done, I know. Sorry.
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Posted by KarKar
on 2008-07-21 17:27:58
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Hey, find something you really like (not Jim! lol) and lose yourself in it.
Oh and PMS is a bitch, and can be blamed for most outbursts when it's around :)
Have a great week, take a step in the right direction, and it'll all work out ... easy 2 say right!! :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-07-21 17:36:30
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I'm with you on that why do we do something or be "with" someone we know is going to end up in pain... and I often told myself, b/c the pain is worth the few moments I've in time that I will never forget... maybe this is why you're headed down this road with Jim... I hope and pray you don't end up in too much pain... I'd love to read one day that he's come back to Alabama and finished sweeping you off your feet!
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Posted by otherwoman
on 2008-07-21 21:41:23
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haha...thanks guys! I was definitely spazzing big time! I hate allowing my emotions to rule me that way!
KarKar-I am sure you are right...I most definitely was/am making things worse than they are.
EasytoSay-I'm throwing myself into exercise...that always helps me. The past few months, my PMS has really been making me crazy! I have had several PMS posts that are exactly like this one....I'm freaking out haha
Thanks Otherwoman...maybe if I would stop pushing him away with my crazy girl behavior then it might be possible that he could come back to finish sweeping me off my feet.
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Posted by nakedtruth
on 2008-07-22 00:15:08
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It's not you, the crazy girl behavior is normal. This is just the pattern you two have created for some reason. When you feel ready, you will have a talk with him. I hope things work out.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-07-22 08:29:58
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Man I hate emotional hangovers. I don't know why we allow ourselves to get that way over other people - - I certainly do it too. I didn't think you were being all that "mean" to him though... I'm sure he doesn't think it was as bad as you feel like it was... (if that makes any sense) lo
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-07-22 11:30:15
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Our bad, insecure "needy" feelings are always intensified when we're PMSing. I am sure you will feel at least a *little* better when Aunt Flo is gone. Has he brought up you visiting/him visiting lately? I think if you see him in person again, you absolutely should find out how he feels once and for all no matter how hard the subject is to broach. I would be shocked if he didn't return your feelings but I just doubt he will raise the subject first. Doing it via text message would be really hard, especially if you guys are both drunk. My fingers are crossed for you guys - truly.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-07-22 14:58:40
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*hugs*
Molly, I think you should just call him and talk to him very frankly about everything that you're feeling. Ask him if he feels the same way and tell him to quit playing around with you if he doesnt. Tell him to either admit he has feelings for you or say that he doesnt so that you can move on. See how that goes. Let him know that you wont be hanging around waiting for him to say it all your life...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-07-31 09:07:06
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