Thoughts.com Blogs - Can't Bury Them Anymore

I've been sitting here the past 5 minutes staring at the blank screen, because I don't even know where to begin. My feelings for Jim have escalated so much that it is freaking me out......I think I'm in love with him. Wow, to see that in print scares the crap out of me. Now, I believe that being "in love" and loving someone are 2 completely different things. I think it takes time and a lot of getting to know a person to love them. However, I think you can fall in love with someone very fast. I can't believe I'm talking about this out loud...I had a chance to tell him exactly how I was feeling last night, but I chickened out.
Jim called me last night to let me know that he was having people over to play pool. So, Jill, Dan, Sean, Brett, and I all headed over there. Right when I get there, Jim comes up to me to say hi, and tell me how it could be the last time we all play pool in his basement.....such a butthead! We all picked names out of a hat for teams, and I ended up being on Jim's team. He kept asking me if I was ready to win, and I kept catching him staring at me. It made me sooo nervous, because I feel like I can't screw up....I don't want to let him down. I know, it's just a stupid game of pool....but it's for money! I don't know, he just kind of pushes me to be better. Well, I ended up making the winning shot for us, and he gave me 2 huge hugs. I glanced over at his dad, and he had a big smile on his face. I was kinda surprised by how touchy, feely Jim was with me last night......he would put his arm around me, touch my butt, ask me to sit by him. Normally, we stay a good 10 feet distance haha. Jason and Kimmy ended up showing up too for awhile. I know I was getting kind of tipsy, because after Jason and Kimmy left, I teased Jim that his crush, Kimmy, left. Well, I was trying to get to him, but everytime that happens he turns it around and ends up getting to me. He said, "Kimmy is hot." I immediately got jealous and annoyed. I started making snide comments, and Jim would ask if I was jealous....of course, I would deny it even though it was completely obvious. I eventually got so annoyed with him that I went and sat on the other side of the room with Jill. I vented to her that I was so sick of guys thinking Kimmy is prettier than me, and blah blah blah...I was so drunk haha. After I vented, I went back over to the bar area and helped Jim clean up some. He asked if I was mad, I told him no, and asked why would I be. He said, "You know I think you are prettier than Kimmy." I don't know what I said back, but I know I wasn't upset anymore. After everyone left, I asked Jim if I should stay or go since he had to be up early today. He told me it depends on if I want to get up that early, and that we were only cuddling tonight, no sex. I said that was fine; besides, I didn't want to drive. When we got into bed, he changed his mind about sex....so we tried to have our usual drunken sex, but we were both too tired so we gave up. We laid there, in each other's arms, and that's when the questions started. Now, I don't really remember everything, which makes me mad. I had asked him how he thinks I feel about him. He told me he didn't know, and I said, "Really? You have no idea whatsoever?" He said, "Well, I know that you liked me a lot before, but I think it turned into just friends with benefits for you." I was shocked that he didn't know how strong my feelings were for him, so I told him that wasn't it at all. He said, "So, you are in love with me then?" (he asked me that a bunch of times last night, but I would just keep evading the question) So, I said, "Why do you keep asking me that?" He said, "Well, some people fall in love fast." He then started asking me weird questions like, "If I was staying in Alabama, would we be in a relationship?" I told him I had no idea, it would probably be up to him. He asked me how long I thought we would be together if he stayed and we were dating. I told him I had no clue, but that I thought we clicked, and would get along really well. I told him that I would let him do his thing, I would do mine. He said, "But you don't know how I would be as a boyfriend, and I don't know how you would be as a girlfriend." I said, "I think I would be a pretty laid back girlfriend." He said that all girls say that, and then they turn into "where are you? what are you doing?". I told him that I think I am a little different than most girls, and he agreed. I told him that I don't want him to find another girl in California, and he was like, "So you want me to be alone for the rest of my life?" I said, "No, not at all. I just.....I don't know." We went back and forth for a few minutes with him trying to get me to tell him what I'm feeling. I told him that I'm scared that I won't click this well with anyone else. He told me that there are plenty of guys out there. I said, "Yeah, but I don't want any of them." He asked me if I have been getting with any other guys besides him, and I said, "No, I don't want to." He said, "Why? Because you are in love with me?" I evaded the question again. I wish I would have just frickin told him exactly how I felt right then and there, but I held back. I want to call him up right now and tell him. Anyway, I don't remember anything else, so I'm assuming I passed out.
He woke me up this morning, because he had to get ready to go somewhere. He walked me to the door, gave me a hug and kiss on the head this time. I haven't told anyone how I really feel about Jim....except for thoughts.com haha. I have not said out loud that I think I'm in love with him.....it scares me to even write it out or see it on the screen. I feel like throwing up over it. I need to tell him how I feel before he leaves, but it scares me. What if he was just really drunk last night when he was asking me all those things? But then he always remembers our conversations....I don't.