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The drive to Mark's house on Thursday seemed to take longer than normal. I usually enjoyed the drive, but this time I felt like it was never going to end. I started crying as soon as I pulled up to his house. His mom and sister weren't home, so that made me feel a little better. I called my mom before I went inside to let her know I made it there ok, but I also needed more reassurance that I was doing the right thing. She likes Mark, thinks he is a good guy, but has always told me that she doesn't think he is right for me. I hated when she would say that, because it hurt my feelings almost. Probably because I knew she was right, but didn't want her to be right. Anyway, so I worked up enough courage to go inside. Right when I saw Mark I started crying. I went to the bathroom and regained my composure. When I came out of the bathroom, he was outside having a cigarette. I just stood there looking around. I think I was just taking a mental picture of everything, and trying not to think that it was the last time I was going to be in the house I have come to feel at home at. Then I saw his damn cat, and got emotional all over again. I am a dog lover, not a cat lover. Cats seemed to have always not liked me or scared me. Mark's cat, however, is the only cat I have ever really liked. I think it's because it kinda acted like a dog. Anyway, Mark came back inside, and we sat there in ackward silence for awhile. Neither of us knew what to say or how to say it. I really don't remember everything that was said, but it was painful. I felt sooo bad for him. I just wanted to hold him and tell him that I changed my mind, but I knew that wouldn't help anything. Mark needs to help himself; I can't do it anymore. I want to, but I don't think it is actually helping him. He is used to being babied, and getting what he wants that when things don't turn out right, he becomes depressed and bitter towards the world. I can't take that. I have gone through a lot of shit growing up (maybe I'll share that some other time) and I think it has made me a stronger person. On the other hand, it might have made me less tolerable to people who freak out over the smallest problem. I see life as one big learning experience. I've come to realize that if you can't control something, then why worry about it? If you can't change it then stop wasting your time worrying about it....there is nothing you can do. Well, I try to think like that all the time, but I'll have my moments of spazzing over something petty. For example, road rage; I hate bad drivers. Actually, it's not so much bad drivers as it is stupidity. Anyway, I got off track, Mark tried and tried to get me to stay; I didn't though. I stayed for over an hour talking to him, and trying to explain why I was breaking up with him. It was hard, because I have to keep reminding myself of why. I hated leaving him. It hurt so much to see him cry, and stand there looking so helpless. But, he has done this before to me. He'll give me the whole speech of, "I'll try to be healthier" or "I'll try to be nicer"; whatever the case may be at the time. Then he'll follow through with what he says for a little while, but then resort to his old ways. I feel like such a bitch though. Mark is not a bad guy; I just don't think he is THE guy for me. Even though, I feel like I have to keep convincing myself of that. I have been going through ups and downs about the whole thing. I cried all the way home from his house Thursday then cried somemore when I got home. I went to bed before midnight for the first time in who knows how long, and then slept until noon the next day. I felt better about my decision when I woke up, but later that night felt bad about it again. I even had to deal with Mark driving 2 hours to my house yesterday trying to get me to go to that wedding with him. I felt mean, because I told him to go home without even seeing him. I had to go to work, I was late as it was, and it would have made it even more difficult to tell him no if I saw him. Today I have felt like crap all day long about this whole thing. I think it could be due to the wedding we were supposed to go to being today. My appetite is completely gone. I have had to force myself to eat at least a sandwich during the day. One good thing though.....I can button my khakis again without them feeling so damn snug! Damn that holiday food for tasting so good. Oh!! And then last night, Mark's mom called me! I didn't want to talk to her so I let my voicemail get it. Her message was, "I don't want to butt in, but Mark wanted me to try to talk to you. If you don't call back, I won't be upset." I'm sorry, but why would a 23 year-old guy have his mom call a girl he is/was dating to talk to her about the whole situation?!! Ugh!!!! Grow up already!! Do your own damned laundry, make your own lemonade, and fight your own battles! I know I sound mean, but I am really annoyed with him mother lately. The comments she has made to me in the last 6 months have really bothered me. Plus, how much she baby's Mark makes me sick. She is one of those people that likes to pretend that nothing is wrong, and everything is just fine and dandy when it really isn't. What pisses me off even more is that Mark will try to tell her what is wrong with him (why he can't sleep, why he is so depressed, why he needs alcohol to fall asleep etc) and she practically blows him off. She downplays everything, and that makes Mark feel like she doesn't care.
I'm sick of talking or thinking about Mark right now. I'm so emotionally exhausted from the whole ordeal. My bed is calling....
Oh, this is going to sound bad that I'm bringing my little "crush" up after everything I just said, but it helps me get my mind off of it. Anyway, Rebecca told me that he came in on Thursday. I was a little disappointed that I missed him, but relieved at the same time. I'm not ready to start pursuing someone else. I am content with crushing from afar right now. I have too much drama to deal with right now. I went into work on Friday, and my crush's brother came in. Lately, when I see him, I feel like he looks at me and is thinking, "I know you want my brother." Lol...I know it's stupid. |
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Posted by nakedtruth on 2008-01-20 02:17:05 | Rating: | Views: 130
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