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Was it an illusion?

Or did I really feel a connection with him? I thought I did. He told me to break down my walls, and I did. I'm not sure I've ever done that before. However, he wouldn't break down his for me....although I think he wanted to try. I think it was an illusion, or at least an interesting manifestation of infatuation. Fun and exciting at first with the possiblity of a future, then a painful roller coaster ride of emotions. Because of his insecurities and fear, he played with my emotions. I think he played with his own more and just took me with him for the ride. And I went willing... with an over abundance of crazy emotions (I didn't know what to do with myself). Reactions I have not experienced in a long time...or maybe ever. Then he succumed to acting like a completely scared child and gave me the silent treatment. I didn't get it, I still don't.

He sent me an e-mail on Valentine's Day (I wasn't surprised... he has a flare for the dramatic) to tell me that he thinks about me all the time, every morning in fact. Why say that to me? Is it just to see if I still care, to get my reaction? To play the same passive aggressive game? To be honest, it's nice to hear that the thinks about me (cuz I'm human). The problem is, now, because of the way he's treated me, I don't really believe him. He's been too frivolous with his emotions, playing tug of war. I've fallen for you, you are perfect for me... to, this all happened to fast, I'm not ready.

I should just dismiss it, and I have for the most part. I have problems letting go of things that I don't understand. I'm not sure if it is logic I am looking for, but I need a reason, something that I can understand. I don't have to agree, but I need to know where he is coming from. I don't think that is going to happen this time around and that sucks. I need to move on... I actually need to learn to let go of needing a "reason" all together. It's always been a source of pain for me in my life. Sometimes, things just don't make sense. I can't waste more time dwelling and analyzing the millions of possibilities... because it just makes me more confused, sad, angry... and perhaps more jaded. I don't want to be that person...

Today, someone that I'm an acquaintance with took me to lunch. He made me remember that I am a great catch and it was great to hear that again. It's sad that I needed to be reminded by someone I hardly know vs. hearing it from people I love dearly and see all the time. Perhaps I think his opinion is less bias... or perhaps he just wants to sleep with me :)

I don't need this guy to make me feel important. I should know that, I should feel that....everyday. I wanted to believe that he was the one... I wanted to clinge so desperately to that... he made me believe it was true. He offered me a future I never considered, and after a lot of thought, it sounded so nice. I really thought he was different and that we may have actually been a good fit (especially with someone who I never thought would be my type). How cliche... In the end, I don't think I really knew him at all. The "relationship" moved way too fast, and it made a crash landing just as quickly.

I don't regret it. I'm a little ashamed of my behavior, but it was almost a relief to know that I could feel that way about someone again...even if he made me act pretty nutty... and even it was an illusion. I learned so much about myself and who/what I need in my life. It was eye opening. If I had the choice, I'm not sure I would want to learn those lessons in the same manner, but hey, you can't always choose your teachers.

So... thanks for the illusion, thanks for the lessons, and thanks for showing me your colors before it became more painful than I would have been able to handle. Chao...