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quantum leap, even if i liked it, was dumb

i keep having these ridiculous daydreams about meeting emily before the storm. i’m doing the kind of silly stuff i used to do as a kid when i would imagine that i woke up at some point earlier in my life with all the knowledge that i have now. it’s not the sci-fi aspect that i think about. i’m never concerned with how i ended up at some point back in time or crap like that. this is just an opportunity for me fantasize about how i would do things differently if i had the opportunity. i used to do it a lot (far too much to be healthy), but i haven’t really done it in years. i guess that was an indication that i was doing a better job of living. not so much anymore. every day is just more time filled with doubt and uncertainty. i guess sometimes there is certainty, but it’s certainty that i’m in the throes of one long mistake, and i’m only furthering that error by getting up in the morning.
it’s funny that emily lived a quarter mile away, and i never saw her. we went to the same grocery store every day, and i never saw her. of course, i was completely dedicated to my wife, even if the converse wasn’t the case. i honestly didn’t notice other attractive girls much at all, and, if i did, i went out of my way to make sure my wife didn’t think i was checking them out. it was important to me that she be absolutely certain that she could trust me. looking back, that’s really, really funny. laughlaughlaugh.
i think about hanging around the grocery store waiting for the chance to talk to emily. i think about walking down her street to try to “accidentally” bump into her. i wonder about what i would say if i got the chance to talk to her. i wonder if she would talk to me. i wonder if we could become friends. i wonder if i could have avoided all this trouble and made things work with emily if i would have just kicked karla out the first time she cheated on me. or the second. or whenever. i wonder if emily would have had any interest in me at all. i don’t think her life was so much like it is now, and i don’t know that she would have been interested in hanging around with someone like me who doesn’t go out and party. i wonder.
this kind of thing is probably not healthy. i should probably not think so much about it. i should probably focus on the here and now and not waste my time on silly fantasies that are...well, a waste of time. there probably isn’t much “probably” about any of that.

it’s going to be a long fucking life.