40440 Blog Feed: mywar 2008-06-17 07:06:08 mywar Your e-mail address 87608 2008-04-17 09:24:19
i am completely miserable.  i have tried hard not to be, but i am.  i can't stand whiners, and the idea of me being one makes me want to slit my own throat, but, christ, i am just SO FUCKING MISERABLE.  i've worked very hard my entire life to do the right thing, to be good, and i didn't do it out of fear of punishment or chastisement, and i certainly didn't do it to be popular as not being a piece of shit is the fastest way to guarantee that you are resented by everyone.  i've spent my life doing exactly what i was supposed to do, and i did it just because i wanted to be good, and, up until the last year or so, it's worked out.  or, at least, i thought it did.  looking back it's much more clear that things weren't working out at all like i thought they were.  things became very complicted several months ago, and it became unclear what the right thing to do was.  i struggled with it, and i tried to do what i was supposed to do, but i'm pretty sure i failed badly.  you wouldn't think that some single genuine mistake could turn your life to shit, and that might even be true.  it just turns out that my life was shitty in ways i didn't know about.  i ignored and forgave countless betrayals because that seemed to be the right thing to do.  now i'm not so sure i shouldn't have been putting bullets in people's heads.   or, rather, i'm fairly certain that's exactly what i should have been doing.
i'm hurt, i'm angry, and i'm frustrated, but mostly i'm just plain miserable.  sometimes i fantasize that something will happen in my sleep, and i won't wake up, and i actually find that a little comforting.  but it's not going to happen.  i think i'm going to continue on, frustrated and miserable, for many, many years.  i have this suspicion that nothing is ever going to be ok.  this is just how things are for me.  christ, if that doesn't make you want to eat a bullet nothing will.
fuck life.  just fuck fucking life.
louie, louie motherfuckers.  i'm out.
]]> 87389 2008-04-16 20:17:16 ]]> 87342 2008-04-16 17:01:18 i don't know what i expect.  i don't know anything. 
man, this all sucks so much.

oh, and one of my students wrote me today and told me i'm the greatest thing ever and that she has all these feelings for me, that i'm hot, that she feels safe when i talk to her, that i'm the awesomest awesome who ever awesomed.  talk about uncomfortable.  i still have several weeks where i have to see this girl in class.  i still have to grade her papers.  maybe that would be cool for some guys, but it just freaks me out.

i really, really miss the girl.

oh, and i'm still sick.
]]> 86849 2008-04-15 08:13:22 ]]> 86401 2008-04-14 05:06:10 ]]> 86164 2008-04-13 13:31:11
if you read this, i'm thinking about you.  you know who you are.
]]> 85577 2008-04-11 09:47:47
"a person is thought to be great-souled if he claims much and deserves much...he that claims less than he deserves is small-souled...the great-souled man is justified in despising other people – his estimates are correct; but most proud men have no good ground for their pride...he is found of conferring benefits, but ashamed to receive them, because the former is a mark of superiority and the latter of inferiority...it is also characteristic of the great-souled men never to ask help from others, or only with reluctance, but to render aid willingly; and to be haughty toward men of position and fortune, but courteous towards those of moderate station...he must be open both in love and in hate, since concealment shows timidity; and care more for the truth than for what people will think;...his is outspoken and frank, except when speaking with ironical self-deprecation, as he does to common people...he does not bear a grudge, for it is not a mark of greatness of soul to recall things against people, especially the wrongs they have done you, but rather to overlook them. he is...not given to speaking evil himself, even of his enemies, except when he deliberately intends to give offence...”
aristotle - nicomachean ethics, book 4, 3-31 truncated.
the entire passage bears reading and remembering.


so, the real question is this:  do i find this so compelling because of its originator, or is it so compelling because it lines up with my own notions of what it means to be great-souled?  does it matter?

]]> 85204 2008-04-10 09:58:58
i have an m-shaped hole in my heart.
]]> 84915 2008-04-09 12:51:49

]]> 84596 2008-04-08 17:45:12
what really, really sucks is that earlier today, lonely as it was, wasn't terrible.  i bought a silly gift, and that made me feel pretty good.  and now it's ruined.  and my stomach burns.  and my shirt is sticking too me from sweat.  and my head aches.  and everything just fucking sucks ass.
]]> 84413 2008-04-08 08:59:27 it makes me feel weak, still being so strongly affected.  it makes me feel weak being so weak.  it makes me feel defeated being so thoroughly defeated.  it hurts to hurt.  harharhar. 
"every day takes learning to live all over again."

my back is sore.  squats always leave me tight.  i've read up on it, and it turns out a lot of tall guys have problems with their lower backs and squats, especially those with long waists.  going deep just makes it hard to not lean over.  it's pretty near impossible.  that puts a lot of stress on my lower back.  i wear a belt, but it's still tough.  i thought i was going to go up in weight yesterday, but no luck.  i'm still at 365.  what's funny is that 315 is pretty much gotten to be plain easy.  it's not my legs that suffer so much as my lower back.  it concerns me that by the time i get to squatting over 400 regularly i could run into some real problems.  what's even stranger is that i can deadlift 405 without feeling like this, and that actually is intended to work my lower back. 
it's funny.  i know a lot of people who don't lift much think i'm strong.  i even know that in the short time i've been there i've become well known at my gym for being one of the strongest guys there, and maybe even one of the biggest.  but none of that really affects me.  i still find myself frustrated at not being able to lift more weight.  i find myself actually angry with myself for not doing what i think i should be able to do.  but i'm not really sure what it is i think i should be doing.  just more.  that doesn't seem very rational.  then that's frustrating. 

i find myself frustrated a lot.  then i'm frustrated that i'm frustrated.  then i'm chasing my tail and biting myself.

i wish the girl was here to rub my head.
]]> 83986 2008-04-07 09:06:54
i have a meeting with a student today after class.  she's been emailing me a lot, and i'm pretty certain that her reasons for asking for this meeting have more to do with wanting to spend time with me than with needing assistance with her upcoming paper.  i can't be certain, of course, but i think i understand how this stuff works well enough to pick up on the hints in our discourse.  there's one or two of these girls every semester, but, since we are closing in on the end here, i thought i would get through this one without any such issue.  i don't get it, really.  emily once told me that the idea of it is hot in the first place, the idea of a student/teacher trist.  she said that then you add on that i'm me, that i'm younger and have this stupid haircut, and that such situations are guaranteed.  in any other case i would think she was stroking my ego or looking at me through her strange-taste-in-men-as-demonstrated-by-her-interest-in-me colored glasses, but here we are.  so, instead of eating at my regular time i have to worry about dancing around this girl, and i can barely stand still without knocking things over.  lame.

i saw this segment on cnn about staying at cinderella's castle in disneyworld.  now, i have never been to disneyworld, but i would like to go at some point, and, as much as i have a thing for the disney princesses, how could i not want to stay in the castle?  seriously, how cool would that be?  very.  i should work that out somehow.

and the day creeps onward.

]]> 83617 2008-04-06 10:16:49 fuck it.  sleep is for the weak, anyway.
]]> 83422 2008-04-05 16:26:19 82783 2008-04-03 15:57:07 i received a fortune in a cookie once that i think about every day.  it said, "get accustomed to being uncomfortable.  get comfortable being uncomfortable.  it's going to get tough."  i must admit, i was a little taken aback by that.  it was surprising.  however, now i not only appreciate it, i get that it was amazing advice.  even at the time i thought it was pretty cool, but now i think it was much more than that.  it was absolutely the best advice i've ever been given.
harder and hotter.  keep growing.
]]> 82649 2008-04-03 09:22:40 christ, when did i become such a whiner?

i stopped doing flat bench on chest day.  my upper chest is really lagging, so i've been doing primarily incline work.  i'm starting with incline barbell, and i'm up to 295 for six reps.  i fully expect to be doing 315 within the next couple of weeks.  that will be cool since i don't personally know anyone who can do 315 on incline.  of course there are lots of guys out there stronger than that, but none of them are at my gym or my school's gym or the last gym where i trained.  that's pretty cool.  i did flys with the 80's yesterday as well,  that just hurt, but i still managed eight reps.  that's cool too.

positive positive positive
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