Well, hubby and I had our first counselling session on Thursday. I can't begin to say how hard it was to listen to the one I love talk about how he lies, sneaks and manipulates to get what he wants. Not what he needs, but what he wants.

The counsellor was quite alarmed to hear that hubby agreed that if I didn't stop him, that he would easily go through our equity ($200,000). I am not sure if he thinks that by saying it and being agreeable will make me less angry, or if he is serious. 10 years ago he forged my signature and did start in on the money, but I found the papers and stopped it. He was using the money to buy booze... because I had the nerve to use the money we had on groceries and a few christmas gifts.

We've been though this so many times I just don't know anymore. His compulsions are very hard to deal with. First cigarettes, sex, drugs, sports, booze, now money. He goes from one addiction to the next. We've been together through them all, but I don' t know if by sticking with him has made him too reliant on me or if I am part of the problem. The councellor calls me 'the brakes'. He's out of control. After the session when asked if there was any more to add, I said despite me being half out the door of our relationship, that my goal was to stay together through this. I guess hubby was relieved, because as we were driving home he told me that he wanted to cancel all plans tonight. I asked why and he said, "Because I need sex." I said, "Well, I'm thinking that ain't gonna happen." He said "I need it now, it's been a week."

Well, this scared the crap out of me. In the past he has been, shall we say "forceful" in getting sex when I didn't want to. He is 6'5" to my 5'3". It hasn't happened in almost 20 years, but I still hold a lot of psychological scars. I do plan on bringing it up with the counsellor but feel we need to work on one thing at a time. I told hubby that he scared me when he said that, and he did leave me alone. OK, well I lasted the night before I made the move.

I know he is trying hard to control himself in everything and is going to be prone to slip ups, but me and the kids safety is a no-brainer. I'm older now, and wiser. But it's hard to leave someone you've been with since the age of 15. And I'm no angel, but I did get myself together. I admit to control issues in some cases, but leave to each his/her own in others. I get scared of being left alone, and have been in some very serious situations when I drank (or smoked) too much so I try and maintain control. Hard to do when you're an exhibitionist by heart.

I guess he is addicted to me? Vain, yes. But it falls in his pattern and I'm the only consistent. I don't know how much longer I can pull him out before he destroys what we've built. And where is he now? Why, he is out shopping. But I sent our son with him to keep an eye on things. He'll control himself for about a month, then something new will come along. I hope he breaks this pattern, before he breaks us.

But don't feel sorry for us. I take responsibility for allowing what is happening to me to happen, and we'll make this work. And my kids and I will be safe, always.