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This change was never good

* I have done nothing but chase my tail a tail that has been nothing but a short stub at least that is what I have discovered. I cna't seem to find the exit to my dangerous circle and I end up back where I started trying to forget the one that I might have loved and trying to be with one that could help me forget everything.Changes are haunting me in my sleep and my mind is filled with nothing but doubts and regrets of my decisions...I know that what he did to me is nothing to forgive or forget but I have done both and now I am coming back in full circle knowing good and well that if I even let a thought pass through me that there is a hint of hope then I will forever be stuck in my hamster wheel.I don't want to fight it anymore and I want to just be and to just be able to let go and t have my old self back willing to allow whatever comes her way in her heart fully. I can't seem to let go that I will end up happy with him and that we won't go through this but it won't be like that it will always be me trying to convince myself that he will stand there and stay with me finally be on my side for once. I hate how I try to pick up again and somehow he fnds his way in he nudges into the back of my mind causing me to doubt everything I was pushing for and in the end ruining what could have been a good thing. I hate how I can't see to get him to open up or to finally drop him into a deep blue of forgetfulness and to just let go and feel free. To spread my wings and jump off the cliff and fly into the sky full of blue and beauty. My heart won't forget but I wish it would I wish that these images would leave...I wish I could live the day where I won't get a whiff of his scent or hear his laughter in my sleep. Everything change but for me the changes to seem to be how I feel for him and how strong it has become how I feel like I don't want to make a mistake and let go to early. We were happy together we were the best of friends but feelings got in the way and now here I am trying to forget everything I build. When I go home I am going to do nothimg but try to find him when I should be trying to avoid him cause home doesn't feel like home anymore and my memeories of home connect all to him and so I can only pray that for 3 months I can just forget and live...live again even after the changes and even after that one time we were so alive I wonder if he remembers that...the time of our carelessness?