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The Cave (Part1)

6th December 2008

I’m sitting in a cave listening to the Corrs, surrounded by fairy lights (its Nearly Christmas and Bayram Time) in Vibrant Istanbul, and wondering what I am doing here.

Memories of previous loves and lives are slipping into my mind, and I feel a touch of sorrow. Suddenly feeling very isolated and alone…I begin to look back and try and understand why I am sitting in a cave.

Firstly let me explain. The cave is actually a basement apartment. I call it the cave because the lounge has no window, and I live in perpetual light bulb land.

How and why am I in this condition..a question I ask myself every day. I will find the answer one day - Insallah. (God Willing)

Let’s turn the clock back 5 years.

Happily married for 20 years, my Husband dropped a bombshell by having a midlife crisis with a 16 year old. I tried hard but in the end, we had to part.

So I found myself alone and completely desolate, wondering which way to turn. After having a best friend and lover for 20 Years, suddenly he was gone, and I was alone.
After a few months of sorting the awful things that accompany any separation, the house, car and dog were gone. I moved into a rented house, but it was never going to be a home. My home had gone.
Unfortunately My Ex and his young love lived in the same small town, and I found it impossible to cope with the fact that I kept bumping into them.

1

Welcome to Turkey

After much deliberation, I decided to take a holiday to Turkey…always a love of our family, for holidays in the past. Maybe it was a bit of trying to recapture something lost. I will never really know. At that time I needed to escape for some sunshine and peace.
So, passport and ticket in hand, I began the epic journey of travelling alone for the first time. I had booked a Hotel we had stayed at in the past. Maybe to clear some ghosts. I can’t explain what made me choose that hotel or why.
The airport was a nightmare. In the past there had always been a cool, calm person directing me through the formalities. Suddenly I was in the queue for check in and desperately wanting to turn around and run.
Had I got everything? Tickets, passport, money. Breathing a sigh of relief I was handed a boarding pass, and onto the lounge. Here I promptly got very drunk. The plane journey is a fog. Arriving in an airport I knew so well, but totally alone, I sought out the Taxi I had arranged before travelling. We found each other, and I fell into the minibus, to realise I was the only one. Now thoughts of another kind infected my brain. I could be driven anywhere, sold..never to be heard off again !!
Fortunately he was working for a professional company, and after the nightmare drive over the mountain, I found myself at 1am at my hotel.
Completing registration formalities the first question I asked was “Is the bar still open”
I was assured it was, and trotted (stumbled) towards the direction of the quiet music.
Again a realisation of being alone. It was early in the season there. Just me (foreign older woman) and 4 Turkish guys at the end of the bar. I think they lasted all of 30 seconds before invading my space.
Therein followed all the usual questions. The Turks love to know your life story in 10 seconds. I was by now on my second wind, and actually thoroughly enjoyed the attention. One of them especially caught my eye. It was like looking at a Greek God. I found myself continually taking sly looks, only to catch his eye, and quickly look away. It turned out they were all heading into the local resort to “Party”. I was cordially invited, but somewhere deep in my almost lost commonsense, I realised I would be very foolish indeed to get into a car with 4 complete strangers, in a country I still had not experienced alone. So I politely declined. Which was only accepted after many arguments, I might add. They dutifully left to” party” and I retired to my room, and promptly cried for hours.
Next day I woke to the fabulous sunshine I had come here for.
I must admit I was a forlorn figure. Still hurting very badly, and unable to socialise too much, I kept myself away from the jolly tourists, and most of the time was spent in deep thought, with tears that dripped on their own free will.
2 Days later I was at the bar (My second home by now) Again trying to forget in a glass, when the Greek God appeared. We started talking and I found myself actually laughing for the first time in a long time. The Alcohol was doing it’s job, and I began to relax..even dancing.
As the evening progressed I was again asked to go into the resort. No hesitation this time. I jumped in the back of a dilapidated car and the 3 of us were driven by a maniac into the bustling town.
My Adonis and myself sat outside a club for hours talking and laughing, when one of his friends suggested we should go inside. Inside all the pent-up sexual feelings and electricity there was between us appeared.
I am embarrassed to say I don’t remember much of the car journey home..I was to busy!
There ensued a night of complete amazement for me. We chatted, drank more and explored each other until the morning light.
He was working for a National Phone Company in the summer, but was at University in the winter. He told me he was 35. I lied a little and said I was 45.
He left before the hustle of the hotel started, and I slept till lunchtime. When I woke, I was smiling. I was aware it was probably a one night stand..holiday fling, but I felt a million dollars that day.
Suddenly, I was socialising and partying. I still had the quiet tearful moments. I was still hopelessly in love with my Ex and missed him terribly.
2 days later I was at the hotel reception when his friend, the hotel manager, gave me a piece of paper and told me, he was sorry, he had completely forgotten, my Adonis had asked him to give me his number the morning he left.
Now I had a problem. I sat for many hours contemplating. If I rang, would he think I was to keen. If I didn’t ring would he think I was ignorant. After the courage came from the bottom of a glass, I called. He was cheerful, happy and gushing. He would come and meet me that night, but late, as he was working. And so began nearly 3 years of a tempestuous relationship.

2

Life Changing Decisions

I had by now made a decision to stay in Turkey. There was nothing at home for me, and it was helping heal my heart. I decided to leave, come home to England, close up shop and return. At this point the Adonis was not part of this plan. For me, he was a wonderful interlude on holiday.
He came with me to the airport, and there were no regrets when I boarded the plane. After all, it was a tourist resort, and the next holiday romance for him, had probably just got off the plane I was boarding.

At home, all the desolation returned. I couldn’t wait to relive myself of the nightmare there. Unfortunately, I think to my families cost. Looking back, it was like I was a different person. I just needed to escape..or “run away” as I have been told by a dear friend.
Anyway, almost as soon as I arrived home, to my surprise and delight, Adonis started communicating. By the time I was ready to leave England for good, he had firmly ensconced himself in my life.

Upon my arrival back in Turkey, he helped me find a wonderful apartment, and purchase a car. We spent an almost idyllic summer together. I say almost as we sometimes fought terribly, sometimes physically on my part. But it was all part of a new experience for me.
Then he told me he had to do his Army. He was really only 28! This meant he would be away for 6 months. No problem for me. I was loving my life in Turkey. It felt like I should always have lived here. But for him, it was a problem. We had many arguments about my staying alone. Suddenly I was incapable of living in Turkey alone..apparantly. All sorts of nightmares would occur to me. So after much sadness, I agreed to go home and work for the 6 months, to return when he had finished his army. Although inside my heart I felt I would probably never see him again.

I arrived home to a cold December. After 5 days at home, he called me. Desperately telling me how much he missed me and he needed to see me one more time, before he left for Military Service. As he talked, my heart was breaking. Suddenly he said, can you come to Istanbul tomorrow, I can catch a bus there and we can have a few days together. Without hesitation, or logic thought, the Flight was booked, and we rendezvoused in this fabulous, crazy city the next day. We spent 3 days together, and then it was over. 2 days later he was in the Military and I was firmly ensconced in England.
Therein followed a crazy 6 months. I hate to think of the cost of the phone calls, and texts. Endless texts, backwards and forwards, every day. I learnt about his life in the Military at the same time as I realised I was falling in love with this man. I believed he was in love with me too.

3

The Reunion

He was released from duty in the May. I had a stupid romantic notion that I wanted to be there at the gates, but Turkish Tradition is that he must go home and go through all the celebrations, of a son returning. I had to wait.

So, at the end of May I found myself again on a flight. This time I was terrified. What if he saw me and changed his mind. Had he changed? A flood of fears.

It was evening when I arrived at an unfamiliar airport. After getting lost twice I emerged, and promptly hid behind a tree, searching the orange lit darkness for his face.
He called me, and after some direction I found him. It was emotional.

Then I was in Turkey travelling and exploring this wonderful country with him for about 6 weeks. During this time, we had many discussions about his future. Now was the time he had to make a life his family would be proud of.

In all the discussions, the emphasis from him was always on the “We”, which made me feel secure.
Maybe we should do this, or that etc
We discussed the fact we could never marry. I understood this perfectly. We were different ages, and my family was complete. He wanted a family in the future.
Where we were going, I never thought too much about that. Just took every day as it came.
Finally I came up with a suggestion (One I was to regret) that maybe we could sell Turkish Goods in England. This idea seemed to spiral, and suddenly I was back in England with money borrowed from family, trying to sort out a shop etc whilst he was travelling Turkey, buying authentic Goods.
Then came the visa process. Please believe it is not easy to get into England. We found a way, which I will not go into detail here.
Plus my many journeys every 2 weeks, back and forwards to Turkey. For paper signings, checking Goods to buy. For me it was a nightmare time, but exciting. Full of an exciting future.
Finally, he was on his way. I set the alarm, as his flight was landing at 6.am. Unfortunately, I overslept and he was left at the airport alone for 1 hour. Great welcome to England. I was mortified. How I didn’t kill myself driving up that Motorway, I will never know.
He was not smiling when I arrived, and I apologised continuously for the 2 hour journey home.

4
Welcome to England

Herein begins a very traumatic time, for us both I think.
The shop wasn’t ready. The goods were arriving any day. He doubted everything I was telling him. We argued many times. I tried to be patient, remembering he was in a completely different environment and culture. But he tried my patience to its limit.
The goods dutifully arrived, and we had to pay for storage. Finally on Xmas Eve, we got the keys.
That Xmas is a blur. We worked non stop in the shop. Fitting it out. I think on Xmas day we took some time out and had Lunch with my Daughter, but it again is a blur.
New Years Eve we worked until 11pm, and suddenly I said enough. There was a good Turkish Restaurant across the road. I suggested we go there and see the New Year in. I rang them first to ask if it was OK, as we both had work denims on, which were covered in paint etc. They were charming, as all Turks, and accepted us in this state graciously.

Our first New Year in each other’s Company. The previous year had been an emotive call from him in the Military.
We were both so tired, we ate silently, sat and watched the lunatic events that occur at 12 midnight in my country, and then left for home.
The shop opened on the 2nd January.

My Adonis was like the cat that got the cream, those first few weeks. He was thrilled to have his own business in England. Unfortunately the reality of the financial cost of having a business in England was something we hadn’t taken into consideration. Foolhardy..Yes.
After 4 weeks, it became very apparent that we had to do something drastically. At that time he also decided to take one of his visits home. I was appalled. His excuse, he needed to check for more stock, and it was Bayram (Turkish Holiday)
So I found myself alone in our little empire. Financially costs were spiralling, and we argued constantly on the phone. He was gone for 4 weeks, and I quickly realised that he was thrilled to be able to say “I have a business in England, and someone who runs it for me”. Resentment began to creep in.
When he returned, I sat down and explained all the costs, and also explained that at this time, one of us needed a job. As that could only be me, I dutifully found a job nearby, whereby I could bring him in the morning, and he could come home with me after work.
At this point I still loved him very much.
After a short time we realised that for our first venture, the costs of an actual shop were too high. So we gave up the shop, and rented an indoor stall in a big market locally.
This was a comedown in his eyes. Also he was now alone running the shop. Boredom crept in, and I began to see another side of him.
His Visa was due to expire, but he decided to renew it in England, with the help of an expensive lawyer. We dutifully handed over the money, all papers and left him to it.
His Visa was due to expire on the Saturday, and on the Thursday before he was talking to another Turk here, and was told he would be unable to go home for the duration of the legal process - possibly 18 months. So on that Thursday night, he told me he couldn’t be away from Home that long, booked a flight, and was gone on the Saturday.
Now I had a dilemma. I had a fulltime job, and a Stall to run. Only one option. I closed up the stall, with the help of my family. Furious he had gone last minute and left me to sort everything. All the stock had to be shared between my family’s homes for storage. There were unpaid bills to sort. I was beside myself.
Back home, he was in constant touch, but always I could hear music in the background, and I became very bitter that it seemed he was enjoying life in Turkey He was always at his friends hotel, whilst I had all the financial headaches here. A fact he strenuously denied, of course.

I imagined he would get his Visa renewed as soon as landing in Turkey and be back in less than 2 weeks. Not to be. He decided to stay all summer, and would renew the Visa in September. Now I was very twisted, but all the time, my faith in him remained.
We argued constantly and bitterly that summer. I returned to Turkey in September with appropriate papers for Visa renewal, and the money of course.
I was to spend a week’s holiday with him at that time. What a nightmare it turned out to be. He had changed towards me. I sensed it all the time, but he still wanted to return to England.
When I left this time..he put me on a bus. I was never to forgive that act.

5

The Finale of Adonis

So he returned. Now desperate to see what we could do with all the stock everywhere.
I found Xmas markets, Bazaars, Fairs and we even rented an outdoor market stall.
Things were selling well. Just the seller was a problem. His heart was not in this. This was not what he had imagined, and it spilt into our personal life.
We slept together, but we only slept. I was beside myself, not knowing what he wanted from me.

That Xmas I put a tree and all the trimmings, but my heart was heavy. I bought him some presents and put under the tree.
Xmas day he slept until 12 noon. When he woke I gave him the presents, and was devasted to realise he had got me nothing. Not that I wanted anything special, but the realisation that he didn’t care enough to buy anything was hard to swallow.

After this things got worse.
He decided to go home as Bayram and New Year fell on the same time. Only back for 8 weeks, now he was going again.

So he went, to return in the January, even colder.
Finally, after being back for 3 days, he told me the relationship was finished for him, but he still wanted to be in England, and stay with me!!!
At this point I lost the plot, or woke up ! I told him in no uncertain terms, he had to go.
We agreed to try to sell some stock on EBay before he left, to try and raise money for his flight home etc.
It was a very emotional and trying time for me. To have the man I still thought I loved in my home, but unable to have any physical contact. We said some spiteful things to each other at this time. Finally he was going.
That evening, he kissed me goodbye. Promised me he would always be with me for ever as a friend, and vanished into the night. I didn’t take him to the airport.

6

The Aftermath

Now for the second time in my life, I was alone and again on tranquillisers. Trying to cope with life. But now I had added burden of all the financial problems he had left me with.
I had to give up my job. I couldn’t work or sleep or even function properly.
I went bankrupt in the end. A big sigh of relief to have all that financial worry gone. In the meantime, he was still in touch. Why did I let him? Maybe a last little hope that he would realise he had made a mistake. I’m a Woman. We have these crazy notions.

He now had a good job and was renting a large holiday villa cheaply, with a swimming pool. I was in pieces, Bankrupt and in love still.
That summer I made a decision, rightly or wrongly, to visit him. Something inside me said he owed me a free holiday. He was perturbed at me coming, and we argued again. Finally he agreed I could stay in his Villa. Why did I push this. I look back now, and still can’t answer. As I’m writing this I can see how ridiculous it looks. Maybe I thought if he saw me, something would return. Or maybe I needed final closure.
I arrived by a hire car I had collected from the airport.
He was gracious, but obviously uncomfortable. He gave me his bed and slept downstairs. I cried again, in that beautiful country, tears for a man.
After an arduous week it was time to go home. Again I was put on a bus. This time there was genuine warmth in the goodbyes, but we were never the same.
We still keep in touch occasionally. The odd email or txt. But I never learn anything about his life. Still very private, as all Turkish Men can be.

7
Moving On

Back home I found a good job, and with help from some good friends and family, started to rebuild my life.
It took time, but slowly I became comfortable with my life. I began to enjoy being able to be in control for the first time in a long time.
After 8 months I felt it was time to move on in relationship as well.
I started joining internet sites, and found myself chatting to some lovely people, but always, as they became serious, I backed off.
Then I found myself talking to a guy in Istanbul. Yes, in Turkey. My heart is still there in many ways. Not just for lost loves, but I had a love affair with Turkey which I was just beginning to enjoy, when it was cut short earlier.

I decided to take the plunge and meet him
This time, very much on my terms.
It was not to be the relationship for me, but I was also introduced to his Brother, and there was a spark there, but he was in a relationship at that time, so we became friends. Also he was the same age as me.

We continued to contact each other, with very light hearted conversations. Then he told me after a few months, he had broken with his girlfriend. Our conversations became a bit deeper, but nothing romantic.

In February I came to Istanbul with a dear friend, to celebrate our joint birthdays.
He met us and we stayed at his home the first night. During that eventful night, she saw something maybe we had been afraid to see, and through her, we started a relationship.
Not an easy start. I had problems. He had problems, but I felt warmth towards this person deep inside. I have a guard on my heart, and we are together now, but, for now, the guard remains.

And so finally back to my cave.

After much deliberation, I decided to move to Istanbul to see if this relationship would work. I need to start trusting in men again.
So after a strange few weeks, we have now set up a temporary home together in this cave. If all seems to be working, we will take the plunge and invest in a more expensive, better quality long term home and life.

But in my mind, whether it works or not, this wonderful, crazy land will be my home now.

So here I sit.
A piece of my heart will always be for my Ex Husband – now a good friend.
A tiny piece will be for Adonis – just a fond memory (Was it all about the Money?)
(How forgiving we Woman can be)

But I am hoping, the largest part will eventually be with this warm, Stone Age man that found me a cave that I now call home.

INSALLAH

Time Will Tell

And the Turkish Goods? Still in my families Homes. Boxed and taped up.

Posted by muppetbrains on 2009-10-26 17:53:05 | Rating: