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| Taking back myself.. from myself. |
So I'm sitting here at the beach..
Its been a weird few days and I've been on ups and downs like a yo-yo.. I know I can't stay here much longer because I don't want to.
I spent 2 weeks with an amazing person, who has since become my girlfriend who i adore so much, but since she has gone home I've been a mess and that's not me. I've never been as drained in my life as i feel right now. I've always been a strong person to take on everything and keep it all under control and keep at it till I've done it, why am i struggling with this, why am i scared of losing this person who said they would be my girlfriend and wanted to be with me..
She's back in her world now and getting her life on track, I'm so proud of her she said she would do it and she has.. A new job, motivation, planning travel whether its overseas or even just to Newcastle for a week she's doing what she loves and that is so great.
I've slowly been leaving her life i can see that, its not her fault, I don't blame her, she has been busy and I know that she has to fit in her friends they will always come first to her.. granted I'm not use to that but i support that because I know how much she loves and cares for them.
I got a pretty big bombshell dropped on me saying she doesn't know what she wants anymore.. And that she doesn't feel ready for a relationship. She has stopped saying things like she misses me and calling me baby.. It's gone back to babe which I know she calls her 'friends'.
To be completely honestly the way I've been I wouldn't want me either and to be honest I'm done with how I've been behaving. It's true I don't want to get up, go to work for 11hrs then come home to an empty unit with no-one to talk to but i have to until it's time to go and that's that. I haven't heard from any of my friends in this town for weeks It's like if I don't call them they don't care.. and when i tried to call them i got brushed off they're busy with their own lives.
Then there is my children.. Lucy, Peyton and Simone.. I haven't seen them much lately. Their mother told me I'm dead to her and she hasn't spoken to me since, which has been weird and different because before that a day wouldn't go by without her contacting me in some form or way.
I know that we will never be together again because I don't even consider the thought that I'll ever have feelings for her again, that is a closed chapter in my life.
I love the kids, no doubts, I will always be there for them and I'm going to miss them as much if not more than i already do. It seems like a selfish thing me moving away from them and it is in a way i feel like the worst dad ever for it but its necessary and i hope one day they will understand.. I will still see them, i will travel to them and i hope they will come stay with me too.
This is the longest I've stayed at any place since I left school and It's eating me up so I'm moving I have everything in motion its just a matter of when now..
As for my relationship with my girlfriend well i can't tell the future, I don't know what she wants, I think she is scared to hurt me but she doesn't have to be anymore. Taking something she believes strongly.. I won't allow her to hurt me, but i may be disappointed. I don't want to lose her friendship and I know that I never will that's what counts to me. I don't think everything is as full on as she thinks I just haven't been myself and I really apologize to her for that.
I will not lay down and give in.. I'm way to strong for that.. I can't change how I've been the last few days or weeks but the future is mine.
Goodbye Innisfail.
Hello Brisbane..
..I'm back.
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Posted by mrblueiys on 2009-09-15 03:15:50 | Rating: | Views: 20
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