Thoughts.com Blogs - Holiday Blues

So the holidays are approaching and I can't help but feel down. I normally love christmas time, but this year I feel like nothing but a scroooge. I don't get to see any of my family for the holidays this year, which I am used to. My sister left with her in-laws for Durango. My mom hasn't been here to visit in over a year, and my father hasn't been here since I moved here a year and a half ago. To top it all off I am broke. I have zero money for gifts this year. I feel quilty receiving gifts becuase I can't return the favor. My sister managed to rub that in my face the other day while she was shopping. Lecturing me about how I should be buying everyone gifts becasue they are buying me some and how I should have thought of this sooner. Well I felt quilty enough and with this it just got worse. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down huh. I hate how the real meaning of christmas is practically gone for some people. I like getting people gifts but it seems as if that is all that it is about these days. I'm not really a religious person or anything but for me spending time with my family and friends on christmas is good enough. Ya gifts are great but when you are pressured into buying gifts and feeling all guily and making yourself sick and depressed isn't worth it. This year I hate christmas! I don't even want to answer my phone over christmas becasue I have turned that bitter. I hate that I am this bitter. My friend Deana invited me over for dinner with her family on christmas eve, I finally told her I would go but tonight I had to stop myself four different times from calling it off. I just hate to go over there with people I don't know as my "makeshift family" I don't want to intrude on their christmas either. Christmas Day at my roommates is a little different, I am actually excited to go there and I think it's becasue I know her family and already feel like part of the family. My sister is returning sometime christmas day and I have been thinking about turning my phone off. I know my sister will want to see me christmas day and she will be the only family I get to see which is what I want right? It's just that bitterness, I feel like,"well she ran out on me for the whole weekend so why should I just be available?" Stupid I know. I realize my sister has a family outside of me and her but it just doesn't seem fair that I get to stay home and watch the dogs while they go have their holiday for five days. No invite nothing what so ever. She even calls me and tells me how much fun they ar ehaving and whatever. I should be happy and excited that she is having such a great time but the thoughts of me sitting here alone gets me depressed. OK I can't think about this anymore I'm going to watch Jungle Book now. Adios!

p.s. Please be thankful for family and friends who are close. Have a safe and happy holiday.