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some days, ok most days, i just wish i could be someone else. someone normal, someone straight.
i hate being this way. people say 'oh its just a phase and you'll grow out of it' but its been 6 years now, and i'm still not any closer to liking me or being comfortable in who and what i am.
i see beautiful girls in the street but i dont let myself look because then i just have thoughts which make me feel vile and dirty. don't get me wrong, i know there is nothing wrong with being gay. i have loads of gay friends and i love them all to pieces. but i just can't seem to come to terms with being gay myself.
i started to wonder after my accident and then i saw her and i just knew but i tried to deny it for so long, just kept it trapped up inside, until it became unbearable. i blew my top and told my best friend and she was understanding and said she'd stand by me. so then i decided to tell my other best friend but he just laughed in my face. it was the hardest thing i'd done up to that point and he just knocked me down there and then. i know now why he did that and its cool but at the time it hurt like mad. i was struggling like mad to come to terms with it myself and it really didn't help. anyways, i then told a few other close friends, but one lying cheating scumbag bitch told the whole school and i got shit from people 5 years younger than me. ive always been weak, and never stood up for myself and i just took it and my confidence lowered day by day. i didnt tell any of my friends what i was going through. it always happened when i was alone, just jibes in the corridor, kicks under the table, vicious notes thrust in my coat and bag pockets. i didnt tell anyone, noone knew how bad things were.
i then got my job and started to build up my confidence. i was open about myself and nobody had an issue. everyone was so supportive but the abuse never stopped. they started coming into work, into my haven. it was the one place i could just be me and not be judged but they came and i felt scared to go to work.
that's when HE appeared in my life like a knight in shining armour. he was so kind and nice and understood and tried to help. here's my chance i thought, a guy who cares and who understands, i can change myself and he'll help me. unfortunately it doesnt work like that. it all got very messy but hes still one of my great friends even though things get complicated sometimes. i tried so hard to make it work but you can't change urself. u can change ur look, u attitude on life but u cannot change ur soul.
i never wanted to be like this but im stuck with it. i wish i could be normal and lead a simple (well not simple but less complicated) life. its never to be though.
i just hate being this way. ive tried doing stuff with girls to try and make myself more comfortable but i just throw up and then afterwards i have to scrub myself over and over and over and over again until im red raw because i just feel so vile and disgusting for what ive done. as if im washing away my sins. trying to clean this horrible thing out of me. but of course it doesnt work. makes me feel better though.
one time i went a bit crazy and went and lost myself in a 4 hour walk to try and sort my head. that was the last time. and i just cant do it again. its killing me mentally.
im always going to be this way and i have to accept that somehow but i wont do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. maybe one day the right girl will fall from the sky and this will all seem irrelevant and i wont care as long as im with her but for now im just going to be me and enjoy hanging out with my friends and enjoying life as best i can and cross that bridge when i come to it.
i know one day ill have to tell my mum. i hate hiding things from her but im scared ill break her heart. i think she supects but i just cant find the words or the time. ill try to do it this summer sometime, somehow.
but for now id just like to be anyone but me...
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You have to be true to yourself, and be honest. Follow where your heart takes you. You will find yourself one day.
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Posted by jensmith0423
on 2008-05-11 19:30:48
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You can't change ignorant people's minds but those who are smart enough to listen will understand. Just love your friends, your family, and eventually you will love every bit of your self.
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Posted by CursedClocks
on 2008-05-18 23:19:16
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| Views: 72
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