Up and down and up and down, I feel like a yo yo.  We will not find out about my daughter for awhile, they need to do more tests.  it was a rough weekend. My parents came over yesterday after being out of town they spend half the year in Arizona and my dad told me today that ours, was not a happy house. He could feel the tension when he walked in the door and he really has no idea what is going on.
There is no life in here, we have all been sucked dry.  Noone wants to be here. I can not leave the two little ones, and I would never jump ship but I think Id be out of the house alot more if I did not have a responsibility to them.  The older ones stay away and I know Im not a happy mom for my kids and I truly feel bad about that. Im on the verge of tears almost all the time even though I try my hardest to be positive, and I give pep talks to the siblings and I tell my poor chemically imbalanced daughter that I love her.  She fluxuates between telling me she really really hates me and sometimes she even tells me she loves me, but I never know how she is going to feel at any given moment. I need to find real people to talk to, keeping this a secret is so hard.  Everyone is angry at me for not returning calls and not doing my volunteering.  I just cant have any small talk right now, but friends and relatives are feeling neglected and starting to get angry.  If my daughter had a broken leg, someone might bake a pie and bring it over or if she had anything other than this, people would be making our dinner.  Mental illness is so in the closet.  Im not ashamed, Im afraid ruining my daughters reputation or chances for the future.  So many people have a high opinion of her, I want it to stay that way.  She was a leader in something and I know she would not have been given that opportunity if they knew about all this. Who knows how her friends would react.  Girls especially do not want you to tell anything to anyone. If I ever get caught writing this, who knows what would happen, but it seems the only outlet that I have, I really can not even talk to my husband.  Its on his mind all the time too and when he comes home from work, he just wants to relax once in awhile in between episodes, stressers and walking on all the egg shells. Dont we all?