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1.44 am
Still awake.
I went to indulge in a few of those lovely little mols.
2 went down. One touched my throat. Right at the back. That is where the problems always begin you see. I can dry swallow about 90 pills. Fact. I prefer small sugur coated pills. Slip down lovely they do. Unfortuntly my worse enemy is Paracetamol. It catchs the back of my throat and bang there i am panic and fearing for life. It takes me straight back to the first time i od'd. Last resort i think it was. Do not think i was fully convinced. A rash and impulses decision which i was guilt tripped into regretting. Laura. My old best friend. A mixture of insanity and sucide. Alcohol fueled friendships are doomed from the start you see, Add in a little 'Different worlds' factor and there you go. Instabilty. Anyway.
'You've got to be sick. You need to get rid of them all'
And sick i was. All 62 pills that went down did not come up so easily. I was tripping my tits off. I'd never felt so good in my life. The ground felt bouncy and everything was a haze of colour. I still remember the excact feeling now. I still remember that little basterd telling me it 'Was not my time to go'. Sick. Lots and lots of glourious blood coloured sick. 62 'Experimental' drugs slid back down and scratched back up. I'm not sure which was worst. The odour or, The taste. Either way both were disgusting. The moment she said those words my beautiful trip was smashed into pieces. Then it came. The panic. The fear. The 'I don't want to die'. The regrett. The sadness. The thought of being torn away from the person i cherrised most dearly at the time. Not my parents, Not a 'Boyfriend' but, Laura. The rest does not matter. The rest is just regrett and stupid questions. I'll never forget that foul taste. Never. That is one thing that will stay with me forever.
I needed something to make me sleep. Something to make me high to. Preferbly something that would make me trip. After trying many of the household drugs and, The one i love most being removed from my home. The only thing left was those nasty. Disgusting little moles. 8 i only wanted to take 8. A safe number for christ sake. Then they ruined it. Touched my throat. I frooze. Put the remaining 3 back. I should have took a more varied selcetion. Today however i don't really want to die. I dont want to die and i certionly dont want to live. After that reported death incident i now know what there is after life. Not heaven. Not Nirvana. Not any beautiful fairly or magic wonderland. Just darkness. Darkness and blankness. Time just stops. You do not relise untill you wake up again. Everything just stops. You dont know it. You dont notice. You dont relise. Everything just stops. Somebody presses the stop button on your life then quickly rams the eject function on. Someone got to the stop but, Never got to the eject. That might not be the full ticket of death. The little taster however is enough to tell i do not want to go to that place. I dont want to live either. I am stuck neither here nor there. This presents a problem for me. This is proberly why half the world is still alive. I wish i had not have had that little taste. To be entirly honest it has complelty runined the experiance and the excitement for me. Oh yeah i am going to a better place. Actually i am not i am going to nowhere. Who wants to go nowhere without a fistful of your faviroute drugs and a small handful of your faviroute people. No one i tell you. So if you have ever wonderd why i seem to be doing 'So well' latly. It is not because you mumbling idiots have convinced me into thinking life is worthwhile, It is because i dont like that small sample of death. So get of your high horse and speak to me like i am human. Stop tip toeing around my feelings. Stop treading on eggshells. If i want to die i shall. Last resort though absolute last resort. Unless i get my drugs. Then it will happen a bit quicker. Sorry to dissapoint you all. It is what your are exspecting anyway.
I have noticed a few things people have said about me. 'Happy, Bouncy, Livly, Funny, Shocking, Non conformist.' I am bouncy when i am on drugs. I am happy when i am on drugs. I am livly during sex. I am funny when i am on drugs. Conformist and non conformist stopped happening when women stopped wearing ankle length dresses. Possibly way before that but, I failed history so fuck off.
Anyways. I am bored of talking crap. Although i do love it dearly. I may even try and sleep. I possibly wont. I shall be an 'Optimist' for once. Maybe i will not of to a magic wonderland.
Peace
x
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Posted by molly_desire on 2008-06-28 21:10:18 | Rating: | Views: 38
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First of all, you write beautifully.
I know that feeling about death. To not wanting to live neither to die. But life is the only thing we've got actually, and to throw that one thing we own seems ridiculous.
But it's not about killing yourself, it's about making the shit stop.
Keep going, keep writing! :)
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Posted by incense
on 2008-07-12 17:56:27
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