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Admitting The Fantasy Is Over.

There has been many a time where i thought the whole Alex drama was over, Then it has come back and bitten me in the arse. This time i really think it is over though. Beyond repair. I miss him so, So much. Every minute, Every hour, And every moment of the day.

I miss his smile and that face he pulls when he rolls a j.
I miss the way he hugs me and demands me to write messages on his back. With my finger i write reasons why i love him and then read them out. I also miss the way he demands me to play with his hair. I miss the way we take it in turns to be each others shells. I like being his shell and i think he likes being mine.

I want to be with him forever and ever and ever. Untill the day i die. I'd like to die in his arms looking in to his beautiful complicated eyes, Filled with pain, Love and Sorrow.

I need a new man to come wisk me away and take my attention of the other two.

Kyle and Alex. Now do i love them both or is it just infatuation. I don't even understand what i feel for Kyle at the moment. I just know i like having him around. Maybe not as a boyfriend at the moment but as a friend.

Alex has teared me apart. I've reliseed how he has snatched away all the little trust i had in men. I miss him still though. A lot. A lot more than i ever thought i would.

Kyle makes me smile. So does Alex.

Alex is like my childhood sweet heart. I need him in my life more than anything.

I'm a little blank. I just don't want to talk about it. I just want it to heal and go away. I want to lock it up and hope it just dissapears and gets easier with time.

I hope. I can only, only hope.