I'm so fed up of being here, just sitting and listening to my parents argue over things that are petty and meaningless. If this is what my love is going to turn into then i'd like to stop it now. When did they become this squabbling, awkward couple that drives people away with their lack of compatibilty. Maybe they've always been like this perhaps i've just been to naive to notice it.

It scares me because in eveything i do i can imagine my mother doing excatly the same. I know for a fact that we do the same things. We wonder aimlessy though life in the same. We cause hurt and upset to the people we love because it's the only emotion we can truely let outselfs show.

I miss my boyf already. He's been gone less than half an hour. I wish i could trust him as much as a i love him. Yesterday i looked on his myspace just to look really. Well more because the good ol paranoia was kicking in once again. I was to paranoid and self obsessed that i didn't notice the messages i was going to confront him about were from last year. 06 not 07. I feel like such a bad person for not trusting in him. I know though that for some odd reason all girls are attracted to him, and if he wanted to have mulitple girlfs who all loved deeply and passionatly him then he could pull it of. I do love him and yes i do trust him to a certion point. It annoys me how he trusts me so much. The fact is if he checked up on my myspace messages for no reason i would have either gone a. insane at him or b. ended the relationship because i thought he didn't trust me. So why is it so diffrent for me. Why can i not trust him to the exstent that i should. I pray to god that if he read's this he isn't angry and maybe understands a bit.

I refuse to go to college tomorow. I can't stand the last day of term anywhere. All the christmas spirit kinda get's to me. I'd possibly spend 99% of the sitting and crying in the toilets hiding from the world.

Apparently i am sane and i'm not mentally "ill" i just have self esteem issues and need anxesity mangement.

I wish christmas would be other and done with. I don't understand why most non  christion people celebrate christmas in a christion way. If you dont believe in god then surly you don't believe in Jesus and if you don't believe in Jesus then how can you celebrate his birth.

Infact i now hate christmas. All it over commersalisedness. Smiling happy selfish children and adults.
Asking for presents that most people can not afford.

I wish i was pretty and funny and inteligent and gifted and telented and exceptional and entertaining and clever and good at maths and good at most things, i wish i had one amazing talent that people would be amazed by but, instead i'm just this poor exsistence that can't spell or do times tables.


What a grim little human being i am.

well at the end of the day at least i still have my umm brown eyes, oh and my insanity.