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This evening, my very best friend, the girl I love, the girl I go to for support, the most amazing person in my world, said she wasn't able to be my friend, because I was scaring her, ruining her life... it's kind of a long story, but since the beginning of the school year, (last year) I've loved this girl. but for three months, she gave me the cold shoulder, and pretty much completely ignored me, but then we made contact (a mutual friend of ours' fault) and we started talking again. since then, my love has been re-surfacing, and I havn't been able to keep it in, and so I told her, and she was fine with it, but it wasn't returned. and she made sure I knew that. So... we were just friends, and I was beginning to learn how to live with that. but then not even a month ago, she, (that same mutual friend) and I, all "went out for coffee." we never had the coffee, we just met at the coffee place, and left and went for a walk and we chatted and whatnot. well, she lives an hour from me, and I don't get to see her much at all, so this was really nice, but it only lasted about two hours, then she had to go. she called me about 15 minutes after leaving, and asked me if I wanted to come with her to her house, and hang out, chat and possibly sleep over. I was like "Whoa... unexpected!" I ended up going, and I got to meet the rest of her family. (I had only met her mom)
when it got dark, we decided to go outside, and I had this great idea, that we would goup on the roof. so, we did.
when we got up, we started talking, and she was acting very different from usual. so, we talked for a while, about a lot of stuff, and then she wanted to move so that "my face would be lit up by the moon and she could read my expression better" as she said... (Idk?) so she got up and started moving, and slipped I put my hand out, and she grabbed it, and didn't let go, untill she steadied herself, and once she did, she swayed and grabbed it, and just ended up holding my hand for a bit, untill she sat down again. and that made it slightly awkward. then she looked at me, and said, "shit, now I'm really confused... I don't like you, but I do, and I've got butterflies, because you're the first guy I've touched since (her old boyfriend)" and that made it very different for a while.
the next day, I went home and thought. she was having a bad day the next day, and said some fairly mean stuff... (or maybe it just felt mean to me because it was comming from someone I loved so much) and I got really depressed, and almost killed myself, and I drove her the edge, and now she can't handle me anymore... because it wasn't the first time... far from it.
Now she has me blocked on gmail chat, and she deleted me from her facebook friends... and I'm completely heartbroken. My friend said that I should try and get my feelings out somehow, and I thought I'd blog... so w/e...
if anyone has any advice, or anything, comments, idk I've never blogged before, what do you do?
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Posted by moabshmoof on 2008-07-20 02:47:51 | Rating: | Views: 148
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First off how old are you? It sounds as if you are maybe High School age? Let me tell you NOBODY is worth ending your life over...you always have to think someone out there has it worse than you. I know that at times it is really hard to see that but its the truth. If you really have had thoughts of suicide you really need to consider professional help. Trust me it helps. Im not saying put yourself in a mental hospital..but go to counseling, talk to a friend, hell go in a chat room. I don't even know you and your blog causes some great concern for me. Women are a very different breed (trust me I'm one of them) like I said you sound like your in High School and high school girls have a lot of weight on their shoulders. Maybe she is pushing herself away because SHE is scared. Maybe your actions (ie thoughts of suicide) are scaring her and she doesn't want you to get hurt so the best thing she can do is push you awa from her so SHE doesn't get hurt. For real...talk to someone so YOU don't do something you can't take back. I've been there...and it DOES get better.
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Posted by ILhopelessromantic
on 2008-07-20 04:56:10
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First off how old are you? It sounds as if you are maybe High School age? Let me tell you NOBODY is worth ending your life over...you always have to think someone out there has it worse than you. I know that at times it is really hard to see that but its the truth. If you really have had thoughts of suicide you really need to consider professional help. Trust me it helps. Im not saying put yourself in a mental hospital..but go to counseling, talk to a friend, hell go in a chat room. I don't even know you and your blog causes some great concern for me. Women are a very different breed (trust me I'm one of them) like I said you sound like your in High School and high school girls have a lot of weight on their shoulders. Maybe she is pushing herself away because SHE is scared. Maybe your actions (ie thoughts of suicide) are scaring her and she doesn't want you to get hurt so the best thing she can do is push you awa from her so SHE doesn't get hurt. For real...talk to someone so YOU don't do something you can't take back. I've been there...and it DOES get better.
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Posted by ILhopelessromantic
on 2008-07-20 04:56:16
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Love is exciting and perilous... It sounds like this girl will jerk you around.
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Posted by CynicalSweetheart
on 2008-07-20 06:37:39
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love in teenage is really pure,without concerning anythig practical,but teenagers are also not mature enough,and maybe she is just afraid of sth.dont be a fraid to get the answer,talk to her and tell her your feeling,maybe you'll get an exact anwer,no matter it is satisfying or not,dont be so innocent to commit suicide,you want her to feel guilty the rest of her life? wish you happy and believe that everything is going to be ok as time pass by...
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Posted by nina880224
on 2008-07-20 08:58:00
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sounds to me that she is determined not to like you or anyone at the moment, perhaps her heart is still with her ex boyfriend, sometimes when we hurt we push everyone away especially those who may offer us a chance of happiness when we arent ready, or if we think that we may hurt someone on the rebound.
Move on as much as you can, give her a little time and space, try to keep yourself busy, but please don't think about ending your life honey, you never know what may happen in the future, like i say, just give it some time, but don't get obsessed with it, live your life and enjoy yourself, things change but you never know how.
look after yourself x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-07-20 18:12:49
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ahhhhhhhhhhh im soo sorry, i love you and i hope everything gets better between u and her, i think she will forgive u! ily ily ily and im sorry
oh and am i the friend that said to get your feelings out?!?! or was that someone else, cuz i remember saying that to you!?
w/e lol
ily
-Rhiannon Barker
ahhh i hate the last nammeeee
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Posted by Rihanna258
on 2008-07-21 04:56:17
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No, it wasn't you, ily2,
don't hate your last name...
do you intend on blogging?
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Posted by moabshmoof
on 2008-07-21 05:04:07
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