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| Life: Journey or destination?
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Well the doctor didn't call today to schedule the surgery for my fistula. I was hoping he would so we can get this over with already. You know, my whole life I have been waiting for death. I have been told since I was a child that I was going to die, all related to my diabetes. I probably should be dead, being that I do not take care of myself. I haven't figured out yet why I travel a road of self-destruction but I do. So now I am very close to death with my kidneys, and I am just tired of waiting for it to happen. I don't like waiting, never have. I want whatever it is going to be, good or bad, to just be. I don't like surprises, I don't like delayed gratification, or biding my time. So then I often question, "what!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? already" in my ramblings with God or whatever higher power there is. Have I done something to truly piss someone off up there and/or out there, or is this just the way it was supposed to be? I know these lines could sound like self pity to people who are just reading these words versus living in my head. It is not meant to be self pity at all, it is true pontification regarding my purpose here. It is an internal and existential exploration for purpose and reason. I have yet to find the answer, maybe I never will. Oh let me guess, some of you will say "life is about the journey, not the destination". Give me a fucking break. Life is sometimes about the destination. The destination is what guides the journey. Now if you serendipitously stumble upon some lessons along the way, so be it. Anyway, obviously in a pissed off mood, no need to further my rant.
The truth is.............. I have hope and optimism for everyone else in the human race, but me. Sad, but true.
Ending Thought: If life is about the journey and not the destination, book the first class seats!
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Posted by mj on 2007-08-13 17:47:43 | Rating: | Views: 131
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| Blog Comments
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hi mj!
hmmm! first class. that sounds comfy!
they say there are 2 guarantees in life, right? death and taxes. i'm not sure that waiting for death is the important thing. i mean, we all do it. isn't it important what we do in the interim? i don't want to sound flippant - i'm not in your situation. but at least look for the positive in what there is now and then if something comes after so be it.
am i wrong?
i would draw a 'confused' emoticon but i don't know how...
cheers.
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2007-08-13 18:00:27
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I started thinking that way when I moved from so. Cal to Fl. I found out that a hurricane is about waiting to see if your going to be hurt really bad or just get rained on.
At least the earthquakes were bam and done. Quickly you knew if you were dead or not.
I hope you get better. Waiting isn't fun and it's down right frustrating.
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Posted by thunder
on 2007-08-13 19:26:05
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Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It is always nice to get many perspectives. Not sure what I will do with them, but I am listening and I truly consider each one. Hope you all are well in your own lives!
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Posted by mj
on 2007-08-14 15:14:24
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