Thoughts.com Blogs - the image in the mirror

.....Looking in the mirror I see the sight of a woman that is lost and hopeless. I understand that no one cares that the imagine is in pain that she can no longer take in life the way she should................after all what does that image have to live for other then herself?! Is that good enough of a reason to live an empty life that no one cares about anyhow?! Pictured about is me *the one in the white shirt* the me I was when I was happy not the person looking back at me in this mirror. I know that ppl change as they get older but, I DID NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS for god sakes!! Looking back on my life growing up I did have a lot of problems in my life, I mean I had an abusive father, a mother that left us, uncles and cousins that done things to me that I still have nightmares about! I can not let those things die even though I need to and long too. I watched my father lay there in his bed and die! A 11 year old girl standing there and literally watch her father die.............the nurse that lived next to us couldn't do anything for him, even though they tried. That's an image I can not get out of my head, my little brother there in the same bed with him as his heart just stopped! I can not help but, cry and miss him even though he did hurt us so much I still know that he loved us too. I feel so guilty like I could have saved my father if only I wasn't such a guttless child, I remember it clear as if it happened just today...I knew something was wrong with my dad something bad *a man that worked @ that health department came by the same day and told dad if he didn't get help soon he would not live to see the next day, how right he was* we didn't have a phone and I knew the woman that lived across the street was a nurse and instead of me just crossing the road at that moment to get help I was scared to because my dad told me we where not allowed to cross the road alone....so I waited for my sisters to get home......what was wrong with me?! I keep thinking if perhaps I would have responded sooner he might have lived *note that my sisters showed up within a few minutes at the time I noticed something was wrong*. I told no one this about how I feel because I know they would say there was nothing I could do because he was so overweight and wasn't going to make it anyhow. I just don't see it that way myself. God I miss my dad every day I was sort of his special girl he and I where close even though my mom says different...I know how I remember it! I still love him and would NEVER forget him.

*sighs* Christmas is almost here and its getting hard for the family to deal with the thought of not having our aunt Lori with us this year. My mom cries day and night, I cry @ night when I am alone, my mamaw cries day and night, my other aunts blame theirselves for not spending time with her before she died. I am worried about the kids not being able to see their mom this christmas. I know its going to be hard for them because its already hard for us. I can't stop crying right now I would give all the money in the world to be able to speak to her one last time and tell her how much I love her and miss her! She was like my best friend what time she was out of her mind from the drugs that her dumbass "boyfriend" kept her hyped up on which in the end is what caused our fallout. I wish now that we had made more of an effort 2 help her and talk to her about her problem and the pain it was causing her kids and family but no one did that.....no one!

with that said goodnight....or morning however you take it, I can't sleep and trying to pass time til my husband wakes up so I can have someone to talk too.