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Remember a few weeks ago, I was talking about thoughts of the single life, memories of simpler times, fun times, and yes drunk times.
I can't shift them, I'm really in a rut here, I want to start college, i want a job, we can't afford college yet, and i'm really struggling to find a job, even part time, apparently i'm over qualified to get a part time bar job, me being a licence holder and all, I can't really get a bar managers job cos of the dogs, so i've been looking for anything else, we're a good few miles out of town now, so the opportunities for a convenient job that wont cost alot in travel are few and far between, so i'm playing housewife, which i don't mind really, i do enjoy it, but with himself never being home there isn't much to do other than chase the dogs around cleaning up after them, walking them...god i'm bored lol
I watched the entire series 3 of Medium in a day on thursday...(and i'm pissed that i have to wait til next year for series four!!!! no consideration some people)
I can only go on the internet late at night when its ok to tie the phone line up (still on the mobile/cell) and i still can't sign into messenger so my lovely friends can't keep me antertained with the silly :)
So anyway, i was talking about my yearnings for the single life, well himself is pretty much shut down emotionally now, he is still working a 22 hour day (f****ing harvest!!!!) and when i do see him he isn't really interested in my 'exciting' day...i know he's tired, i do understand, but he keeps telling me in a disinterested voice that he feels numb to everything, and i'm running out of options, i'm making constant excuses to have sex just to feel close to him and get a glimpse of the man i love (not because i'm sex obsessed at all ;)), and there are no problems in that department, but more than i'd like he has worked through the night recently, and i hate an empty bed, i don't mind the phonecalls from him at 3 and 4 am because he needs someone to keep him awake.
Here is an example of his distance, now we have always been best friends more than anything else in our relationship, we don't keep secrets from each other and if either of us need any support of any kind we are there for each other, but last week, he was working through the night as far as i was concerned, he seemed fine when we spoke and then we lost contact for a few hours, yes i worry cos he is driving heavy machinery at night and he's exhausted, i didn't get hold of him til 9;30 the next morning and he said his battery had died, it was over a week later when he admitted that he had gone to where his mums ashes are scattered, i asked him why he had hidden it from me, he had made a real point of actually lying about it, he told me he thought i would think him stupid for wanting to spend the night sitting on a cold, windy beach talking to his mum, that gutted me, the fact that he felt he had to keep it from me for a very misguided reason, as if he didn't trust me with it, i've been there through every part of this ordeal, and i am sure i have never given the impression that i think him mourning his mum stupid, so i don't know, it made me feel even less needed by him, and i realised that over the past few weeks, he has pushed me away so far that we are barely even freinds anymore, and that breaks my heart, he has really shut himself off from everyone, he's rude to me when i talk to him in the day, and he's rude to me when he gets home, he doesn't want me to cook for him and i havent seen him in normal clothes for what feels like months ( imagine his work clothes, oily, diesely, smelly...oh thats the chicken poo lol) aaany way, so i sit here day in day out, bored, feeling useless, worried sick about him, he makes snide remarks about the cost of a single shotgun pellet compared to paying off the business debts, and it worries me to death.
So as i say, i sit here, feeling useless, worrying, not knowing what to do, thinking about what i would do if i left (which i'm fairly sure i wont), what i would do with the dogs (sometimes i think i'm only here because i couldn't bare to give them up) then i remember being single, and not haveing to worry about anything.
I think i'm also having an early mid life crisis lol, i turn 34 next month, i'm not normally one to worry about age, i'm doing pretty well, i have no crowsfeet and no sign of any grey hairs yet (though its hard to tell under the various colours still growing out of my hair right now lol)
But its all making me think, making me wonder if i'm in the right place, with the right guy, i've thrown myself into a relationship, i've supported himself in building up his dream business, and i'm starting to worry that its too late to follow my dreams, i really want to start a uni course or two, modern history and english lit (still pondering the parapsychology), but i don't think we will be in a position to afford to do that any time soon.
Various friends have offered me a weekend away, and it sounds dreamy, a good weekend of what ever i feel like, no worrying..ahhhh sounds blissfull to me at the moment. Me and him have also promised each other a week away to a few places, which i would also love to do, but i doubt i will be able to hold him to it, so whats the point in waiting, i'll have to get on to the dog sitters, and see if they could take the girls for a week or two, perhaps go and visit a few friends in various places MISSMARIE GOES ON TOUR ahhh i should get a passport and take this tour to Canada and the States...he he i would love that lol but if i could afford that i would be signing up for uni i recon lol.
See, same old me, still dreaming...........
i miss you guys mwah xx
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Posted by missmarie on 2008-08-16 19:22:15 | Rating: | Views: 196
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i get bored also,playing housewife with me there is no ball and chain take that tour hehe sounds nice heck take advantage of the offer, you can think later haha, goodluck peace
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Posted by bjm1
on 2008-08-16 19:29:18
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Hi Miss Marie, I know you know this, but it's never too late to do what your heart desires. I am 38 ... just a little bit older and I often feel like I missed the boat on a LIFE that I WANTED.
I am slowly finding things I used to like doing and doing them. Although now I have two children to put first. I guess what I'd suggest is ... you say you can't afford Uni at the moment, but is there a "TAFE" course that you could do in the interim that would give you credits for uni? Is there some research, or some study you could do to help you when you can afford uni? Maybe the syllabus is online somewhere and you can do a bit of prework??? Just an idea.
Oh maybe you can write a book (about what you are going through or some other topic) and get a book deal. Then go to uni :)
sorry for rambling, I just think I've felt a little of what you've expressed. xx
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-08-16 20:43:38
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I feel for both of you,it seems he is suffering and unable to share all of it.You want to "be there" for him. And you are isolated, boy can I relate!I can say that writing is a great outlet, isolation a hone for your sharp wit, and the computer a tool only dreamed of until so very recently. Use your time, I had children to occupy my every waking minute when I was your age, I wished only for time.
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Posted by circe
on 2008-08-16 21:03:36
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I know all of those feelings.
I yearned for single life...because I never really experienced it...being married in a sense since 14.
Trust me though, the grass is not greener on the other side.
If you have love, hold on to it.
Being able to be bored, really is a blessing.
Do you know how many women who would love to be like you and me...a housewife?
I don't know how many...hehe...but I know it is a lot.
Time for some hobbies.
Like getting back into blogging.
Taking classes at a community college ..maybe?
I had this same dilemma.....bored with my simple life.
I have come to look at it like this, I have time to read a good book, time to push out a new painting, time to nap if I need it....time to walk my dog...time to do whatever you want really.
The time will come, when you may wish you had some free time.
It really is as easy as this....change your mind....decide to enjoy your life.
We are stubborn though...
We will become what we think.
My boredom passed....now the free time....is just that....freeing.
Sorry you feel like this now...make up your mind, to enjoy life.
Love you!!
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-08-16 22:13:01
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The "empty bed," I know the feeling, and I hate, hate, hate the empty bed. My hubby works crazy hours and sometimes doesn't come home until 9 am. I know its hard, i've been there. But if the love is there, it will be ok, i promise. You will be in my thoughts. :)
It's never too late to fulfill your dreams...my grandmother used to say, it's too late when your dead, everything else can be dealt with. As long as you have breath, feel alive. I think starting a coarse is a great idea...i wish i lived closer, i would be your student. :)
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Posted by LuckyLuci
on 2008-08-16 22:57:38
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Miss Marie -- My heart goes out to you. I had sent you an email (a while back) speaking of the grief journey. [I'm hearing thoughts email can be a bit undependable. I still have the email and can resend it if you didn't receive it.]
It sounds like your husband was extremely close to his Mom. As I read your post I was wondering if this is your husband's first experience with the loss of someone close to him. It's obvious he is in much emotional distress and pain.
Much of grief work has to be done alone. Since each person's relationship with the deceased was unique in nature, each journey will be different as well. Many people (especially men) retreat into their cave to work out the overwhelming feelings they are dealing with. Because your husband can't include you, on his journey of grief, doesn't mean he has stopped loving you.
As you have discovered ... days waiting outside the cave entrance, fussing and worrying, is not a prescription for happiness. Many times when we are unable to do something (in this case sign up for university classes) we sit all day and stare at the closed door. Never looking to the left or the right to see the open window.
It sounds like you live in a somewhat isolated area. With your loving, caring spirit, you have so much to give, Miss Marie. Perhaps there's somewhere you could volunteer your services ... animal shelter, hospital, after school reading program, etc. Helping others can be a good antidote for feelings of uselessness, and take our minds off our problems and concerns. A volunteer position could even result in a position with pay. If distance is a problem you could volunteer once or twice a week. At least you would have something to look forward to. If nothing else plan something for yourself ... a walk, at trip to a favorite store or coffee shop etc. Take this time to discover and get to know yourself better. You are in my prayers. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-08-17 13:45:16
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aww missmarie.. you know it would be great for missmarie to be in canada! :) hehe
as for what your going through, i'm so sorry. i can't say i understand where you are coming from or what you are going through, but i empathise with you and i really hope that he comes around.
Men are such silly creatures that way, shutting down and pushing us away. I think though staying through it, no matter how tough it is right now, will get better. He just needs to continue to grieve, and i think he is going through his angry stage.
Your always on my mind, and in my prayers, and if one of your dreams come true, you have a place here in New Brunswick, Canada to visit :) *hugs* you are very missed missy! hehe
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Posted by pixierose
on 2008-08-17 18:47:31
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when I was dating my husband he was still in mourning...I read everything I could anout the stages of grief, get yourself a good book and learn about it, maybe you will understand him a little more.
Everyone gave you such good advice...but I dont think its a bad idea to go away for a few days, get out of your rut and think things over...you have so much to offer, you are still young, can you go to school via the computer?
Hang in there...you have a lot to think about
and all our thoughts are with you!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-08-17 23:12:25
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not anout
about
and
are you still having trouble feeling your face?
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Posted by roe
on 2008-08-17 23:13:38
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I agree with pixierose, I empathize. It hurts to hear that story and know Id feel much the same way left alone. And, being the restless spirits we are presently, there is NO way I'd settle for sitting around a house(in your and a few others' cases, like a princess) and admitting to forever boredom. Yes, find hobbies, get creative. No need to do the "norm" like everyone here seems obsessed with writing the next great novel:P And, I can imagine when a mate won't tell you even the slightest embarrassing or questionable thing on his mind...it takes away from the bond, the connection, the closeness. I just hope it's not so serious and that you can work through this. If not, you know where to find me:P heh It sounds almost like the dogs are children and you are feeling like a single mother:P Such unnecessary pressure perhaps. Best of luck to you;)
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-08-19 20:07:32
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Oh, and since college is such an investment of time and money/resources...perhaps that is far more than you can handle on top of the stress you already feel right now. Though, I know the libra tiger at work is quite capable of juggling many tasks. Perhaps you would do better to make some connections or an alternate solution yet to finding a nice job. A self-business perhaps. I dont think college is always the solution. It shouldnt have to be. If you are capable, you will find a niche or someone to help you turn apprentice into master.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-08-19 20:11:05
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People change when they lose a parent. I think men more so then women. It's just the way it is. We don't know what to do with our feelings. It's like we lose our direction, our way to walk in this life. The mourning process is different for everyone. And the books they sell on mourning so you can figure out whats going on with your mate are not very helpful. The process is like going in and out of all these tumbling feelings. There are still things that fill me with tears & my dad died 3 years ago. This is so new to your husband. Lord knows what hes feeling and you can bet he's not going to tell. Hang in there. Losing a parent and watching someone you love lose a parent are very. Just be there for when he decides he needs and wants help.
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Posted by Faith
on 2008-08-20 15:29:17
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Hi missmarie. You know how well I understand your predicament honey. My own husband goes through phases of blocking, then anger, rejecting me, the kids, then himself all in turn. He can't speak of his Mum and gets edgy when I do. he still hasn't visited her grave over a year laer, it's just too painful an emotional journey to make, plus the excuse of it being far away helps keep him distant.
Men are as different to each other as chalk to cheese and there's no knowing how they'll grieve or when they'll be able to relate to their 'before' lives properly again. It's a waiting game. I think maybe the fact that we're all healers in my house helps immensely, even if the touch is too much, the watchful empathy is there.
Should you ever want to know more about the healing world, you know I'm a bit like you... overqualified. Give me the nod and a free first level course online is yours. maybe you could come over for those important practical lessons? No pressure, but there if you should want, honey.
***hugs*** xxtantricxx
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Posted by tantrictouch
on 2008-08-21 19:39:31
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Love you again...different day.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-09-24 11:48:37
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