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My last few posts have been a little cryptic i know, i haven't really explained much since before my mother in laws passing and i had to go offline, so i thought it time that i catch you all up.
I don't really know where to start to be honest, the funeral and the scattering of the ashes has obviously passed, there have been good days and bad for my other half, although he has been getting angrier and angrier, whenever he hears of some child abuser or murderer who lives to a ripe old age he gets bitter, i try and tell him, no one choses who gets to live or die, well not in this country anyway, he has completely thrown himself into his work, i mean its a very busy time of year for us at the moment anyway, but he's leaving the house at 4 or 5am and not getting home til after one am every day, it would probably be like that anyway, but being around me or talking to me seems to give him time to remember, then he feels bad that he stopped thinking about her for a while, then he gets mad, don't worry he's not violent, the arguments are getting bigger and bigger, i can't help but cry, i'll even admit to having the odd afternoon drink, his sister has finally gone home, so now perhaps his dad can start to try to live by himself, so he's worried, i told him that perhaps in a few days he should go and stay with him for a night or two, but it is important that he doesnt get reliant on any of his children, he would hate that, besides he has his own siblings visiting every other day, i think he'd be glad of a little time to himself, but thats just my opinion, i guess there are many ways we can handle it, i think we just wait and see, if he needs us he will ask, he isnt too proud.
Anyway so when i do see him, he tries to pretend that he is ok, but he doesnt want any hugs, and no ammount of upset seems to get me any either, we talked the other night and he has promised to take tomorrow off work and go to the doctors, we shall see, i think he is too busy to go, but i can hope, he is going to ask about grief counceling, but the problem with this country is if you can't afford to go private you will probably end up on a 6 month waiting list depending on how important they think your case is, i've been there with my ex, the NHS thought that a man desperately trying to get help to stop him beating his girlfriend wasnt worth helping, he went for 3 sessions after a 8 month wait then they tried to reasign him, but no one wanted it so he went back on the list!!!! he never got any better, it seems that mental health is the least important part of the uk's health system so no one can give the help they want to offer, any way i digress.
So yes, i have been feeling a little sorry for myself, obviously we just moved, the house is great, the dogs love their new garden, but we are miles from town, and i don't know anyone really, so i'm spending too much time alone thinking about being alone, i'm looking for a part time job as the office isn't keeping me busy enough, and the house is sparkling lol and so is the garden, i have way to much time on my hands he he
So i don't know what to do with myself, i'm kinda glad that my internet connection isnt great right now aswell, or i'd probably get hooked again and completely loose myself, and i have to stay as strong as i can for him, he seems to have stopped crying now, i think that is a little unhealthy considering how much rage he has brewing inside him, i just really don't want him to have a breakdown, i don't think he would come back from it to be honest, so much crap has happened to him in recent years i am terrified this will push him over the edge, he's also going through a fear stage now, he thinks he is going to lose his dad, obviously i can't promise him that he wont, but its hard to reasure him.
I'm usually the advice giver, and i feel useless right now, i'm not too sure how to handle this situation, if he doesnt get help i don't know if our relationship will survive, but i could never walk away from him, i love him so much, so i am not sure what to do next, if he keeps working at this rate he will kill himself through exhaustion and making a mistake, he drives some very large heavy machinery, plus if he doesnt steady on taking it out on me then we will lose each other, i have tired every angle, i just hope that he does get to the doctors tomorrow, i will be with him, and perhaps if they do put him on a waiting list then we can save up and go private, i know that 'relate' have councellors for every occasion and you just have to make a donation to them it isn't a huge fee or anything.
Only time will tell i suppose, i'm sorry to depress you all, i just thought it time to fill you all in, and i know i say this all the time, but i mean it, please don't worry about me i am ok, just not sure how to deal with the current situation, i've survived worse than this...oh i don't know lol ramble over 
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Posted by missmarie on 2008-07-27 19:31:18 | Rating: | Views: 139
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Thanks for the info. No worries about the rambling:) I want to cry myself right now...what is wrong with a guy like me for crying at this sort of thing?:P I feel like I've been there though I don't work a farm 22 hrs a day or have a woman with dogs and a new house to come home angry to....
Anyway, I have a bad feeling the counselors or whatever help you have to be listed for won't help. To go through so much trouble to talk to someone. It is just like paying for a dating site or chatting with someone you just meet online for free. Did the couple who proposed on here pay to do that? No.
I fear his explosion/implosion as well. I would like to doubt he would ever become violent, but anything is possible when you have no outlet. At my worst...when anger reaches a boiling point after hours upon hours of either arguing or work exhaustion...I am capable of going caveman and wanting to bash things with a club, hand or foot:P
I will just hope for the best with you two:) But, if you need an egress, send a plane for me:P
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-07-28 00:13:03
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missmarie, Z.. I'm always here for you honey if you ever need to vent or use me as a sounding board, and you have my mobile number if I'm away, I'm never out of reach. Thinking purely of you for a moment, we spoke last night about that trip away. Make it a date sweetheart, when the time is right for you, I'll pack my bags and drive over.
I know you're grateful for your connection difficulties right now, but i'd suggest strongly that when you do get here to blog like crazy. It'll dilute the intensity of the situation and it makes sure that someone knows what's happening for you. Support is here for you honey, just reach out to us so that we can reach out to you. Don't fall silent whatever you do.
They say time is the best healer and it's true but no consolation when it seems to pass so slowly. {{{HUG}}}
Turning to dave for a moment, he'll come through, but it does sound as though he needs someone to give him some coping strategies.
My husband lost his Mum a year ago on the 5th August as a result of an horrific accident. We feel we lost her in April when it happened though. The image of her in hospital during the months she fought to stay alive will haunt him forever, but he's finally beginning to cope.
Only now can either of us see a photo of her and begin to cope with our feelings. As I said, time blunts the edges but happily it doesn't take away the love. I was pushed aside in favour of work and more work, he's taken on so much responsibity external to his main job that now he needs the space he can't find it. he and I are still trying to find our way, but as you say, love stops you leaving and I suppose in the end we'll be the stronger for the trials of it all, as will you honey.
If for one moment he turns on you and treatens you physically, get on the phone, I'll come get you, okay? I've had some nasty stuff in my past enough to know when to get out, even if it's temporarily. Still, anyone who gets violent with a lady doesn't deserve to have her back, full stop. I'm relieved to hear that's not the case, but just in case..
Trying to remove himself is quite normal, upsetting though it is, but he needs to address his feelings, his anger or it'll wreck his and your life.
Going through the pain rather than round it, under it or over it is extremely hard but it does get the whole experience into a place where normal life can resume.
I wish him and you luck today. If it were me (and I'm a stubborn so-and-so) I'd refuse to leave the doctor's surgery until he/she came up with a proper and thorough plan for tackling this. {{{HUG}}} for Dave too, I know the pain all too well.
i'm just wondering if there are any grief counsellors on thoughts, I'm sure scotslad could help there, I'm not sure if I read that he is one or he knows of one here, but if someone could privately chat to dave on email, maybe he could get some of his feelings out and dealt with.
Love you honey... Mwaaaah!
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Posted by tantrictouch
on 2008-07-28 05:44:24
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Brainstormer, i'm sorry i made you sad, we will be ok, He is good at listening to other people, it helps him to realise that he isn't dealing with things in the right way, sometimes he thinks i am over reacting, which i have been guilty of, but in this case i see the urgency of the problem, if he doesn't talk to someone then the damage to himself and us will be irreparable, sometimes when you have been together for so long it can be easy to not take your partner seriously, i am an emotional woman and i can undestand how his denial may lead him to think that i am being just that, emotional.
Thank you for the offer, i think club foot would be my choice, and i will bare in mind the plane....tho not sure where i will find one right now :P
hugs hon x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-07-28 06:09:04
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Tantric, thankks hon, i know i have friends who i can turn to and you are very high on the list, i will keep your number handy should i need it, i really don't want you or anyone to worry that he may become violent, first of all he really isn't that kind of man he does have a heart of gold, and secondly most of the rows are happening over the phone other than the mornings when trying to get him up for work, i have seen him get very angry and he is in no way out of control so please don't worry it will not come to that i am 100% sure of it.
He has gone to work today *shock* it is hard for him to take time off at the moment and he had arranged for anything urgent to me moved to Tuesday, but as usual someone always arranges it back, but we are going to aim for tomorrow.
I understand the torment you and hubby have been through, the last 12 hours of Dave's mums life were awful, i have never known a situation where life support was turned off and the person concerned was still concious, but that is what they did, and it was not pretty, thanks to your advise with the crystals his nightmares have finally stopped, he is choosy about what pictures he can look at, some days he will look for hours at the old pictures of her when he was small and that makes him smile, but the more recent pics from the last few years he struggles with.
We definately have a date honey, i think in a few weeks time i will send him to his dads for a weekend and send the dogs to the sitters and we can go and let off steam :)
thank you for being a good friend hon, we will get through this *hugs* to you too x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-07-28 06:20:20
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My comment got to long so I'm sending it along via thoughts email. Many hugs to you. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-07-28 12:33:36
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okay, so w/ this update, my previous comment prolly seemed crass. i thought he was just brooding.
it's hard to watch the man u love falling apart and hurting. i'm sure u know u can't pick up all the peices at once. it's tough to stay behind, sweeping up the debris, but your love will not allow u any alternative! keep sweeping miss...one day he will thank you/your love will show its deep roots, as will his. even tho' he may not say/show it, he needs you. what a selfless thing to do, to wait in the shadows with a shoulder ready when needed.
you have reminded me that love is long-suffering (patient) and keeps no record of wrongs.
loveandblessings, paperlily
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Posted by paperlily
on 2008-07-28 14:11:11
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you know you really don't have to explain ... but thank you for sharing this.
everything step by step will turn out okay.
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Posted by DreamingOfBruxelles
on 2008-07-29 11:40:11
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Again, i'm so sorry for what your going through, and especially him. I know this is a really hard place to be, he sounds a lot like my grandfather, always holding in his emotions, and becoming very bitter. I will say though, i disagree with brain :P i think counselling might help. If someone can show him how to properlly release his emotions, and greive. My prayers and thoughts are with you two. In time i'm sure things will get better, its just the waiting process. *hugs* you are one tough cookie though! just thought i'd tell you that hehe :)
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Posted by pixierose
on 2008-07-30 20:05:01
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