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i get the feeling that this opinion of mine will get me into trouble or flagged, but i don't care right now, i see some very unhappy people around me here and i think i should explain why i feel so strongly about suicide....
when i was fifteen years old, i lost my first love to suicide, he had been treating me badly for a long time and i decided to stand up for myself and say no to him for the first time, he was begging me to run away with him, to tell him i loved him, i told him of course i loved him, as i always did, but i also told him i wouldn't run away with him, i was to young, and i was afraid, he told me he would kill himself as i was his only hope, but i stood by my word...and one thing lead to another and he walked away from me, i looked for him all night, but to no avail, his body was found about 2 weeks later, he hanged himself, as soon as he left me that night he jumped on a trian, which is why i couldn't find him, he went into the woods and, well we know what he did next.
For years i beat myself up over him, i was convinced that it was all my fault, but after a long period of blaming myself i started to get angry, he had tried to end his life many times, and even if i had stopped him that night he would have tried and tried until he succeeded, how dare he leave me like that, tell me it was only me who could save him! he knew there was no way i could have found him that night, he knew i would have to live with the concequences of his actions for the rest of my life, that might sound selfish and i do feel guilty for saying it, but i think he is at peace now...i however am not! he was of the opinion that his death would teach his family a lesson, and i am afraid to say he was a very selfish man! my life ended like his that night, and that was his choice, to leave me with the guilt and pain that he wished apon his family, i know now that it was not my fault what he did, and that he was a very selfish person to leave me like that, i think if you want to be saved then let someone save you, don't announce what you are going to do and then disapeer so that you are impossable to find, if you are so very sure of what you want to do, go away and do it, your friends and family will spend forever grieving for you, don't make it harder on them by blaming them, if you are angry at someone, use that anger to survive, if you feel anger then you are capeable of feeling life again and getting through this, i know i may sound cold hearted and hateful for my words, but i spent 15 years of my life, drowning in guilt and self pity, truley believing it was all my fault and that i could have saved him, i was a young girl with no real experience or life skills, what could i have done, and when i looked deep into my self and played the memory over in my head for the ten billionth time, i saw the truth, if he wanted to be saved he asked the wrong person, what could i have done really, i told myself for years, you should have runaway you should have done what he asked, but he was suicidal, he always had been, i would have been in a horrable situation, maybe finding his body myself, living on the streets, with no where to go, the choice i made that night to stand my ground after months of torment from a man who didn't love me, was the right choice to protect me, and i finally see that it was the right think to do, i did not know how to handle the situation, but i cant forever beat myself up about it, i was young, i didn't have a clue what to do, and i cannot change the past.
i see there are people here, on thoughts in states of despair, and there are others desperately trying to help, not really knowing what to do or say, my advice is this, if you have friends here, please, talk to them, tell them how you feel. if you trust them, maybe give them a call, please though, do one thing for me, check in day to day, let your friends know you are ok, dont let them think you are gone, when none of us are in a position to truley help you, there are so many people here filled with love, wanting to share with others, if you have just one friend, tell them deep down how you feel, but tell them honestly if you are very depressed and that you know you have the strength to keep plodding on, so if you do decide not to visit us for a while, we will at least know you are safe, we are worriers and from my own experiences, i can say it is the worst situation in the world to be loft wondering if someone you care about is gone, and if maybe there was something we could have said to keep you here x
i will always grieve for him, and i will always have love in my heart for him...but when i do see him again...so help me..the air will be blue!
i talk to him occasionally, and i do still miss him, but i think i lost many years of my own life because of what he did, i know he wasn't in a good state of mind, he had seen many doctors, he had been hospitalised on numerous occasions, but he couldn't be helped unless he wanted to be helped.
please any of you, i'm begging of you, don't leave your loved ones like that, stay for them if no one else.
i love you all
i am sorry if this post upsets any of you but i couldnt bite my tongue any longer
this subject is very close to my heart
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Posted by missmarie on 2007-11-27 08:35:12 | Rating: | Views: 170
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I didn't see anything wrong with this ..nice post
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Posted by Wayne
on 2007-11-27 08:43:54
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Nice post...sorry to hear about the guilt you carried, I am sure that was not his intention, people in that state of mind sometimes cannot see through the gloom, hugs to you, love and happiness, live well, so when you meet him again you can say you learned from him, and thank him for the experience, it has molded you it was tough but you are a good person. Kudos sweetie, thanks for the heartfelt post!
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Posted by Rajah1116
on 2007-11-27 08:45:32
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thanks guys, i feel all weepy now
love to you both xxxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-27 08:47:38
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Excellent post. I think suicide is one of the most selfish acts in the world, because it leaves all those people that cared about you beating themselves up and trying to fill that void that you left them with. I'm proud of you for speaking your mind and for coming to terms with your past the way you did. Very good job.
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2007-11-27 08:49:46
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thankyou ladygodiva
...getting more weepy by the minute he he
love xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-27 08:55:48
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children are such a blessing in many ways, they give us strength when we need it the most, they truely are little angels
love xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-27 09:04:18
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wonderful post.
You are a wonderful heart and soul.xx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2007-11-27 09:45:20
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thankyou Di
my heart and soul are a mirror reflection of your own, you are so sweet and loving xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-27 09:54:21
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What a post... thank you missmarie for sharing your story. Tears are welling for you that you've had to go through this. But I see that you are more understanding and stronger for it in many ways. I'm sorry that you had to experience this and again, thanks for the wonderful post. I hope that people who are feeling that way read this, and hope that it helps them to see...
Love to you!!
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2007-11-28 09:26:02
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thankyou spinningreflection
i am much stronger for the experience
but i wouldn't wish it on anyone
love and hugs xxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-28 09:34:33
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Very brave of you to write this dearheart. You are right, you know. You have nothing to feel gulity about and suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. (tipping my hat) xx
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2007-11-28 12:08:14
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thanks Paul, you are very sweet
love to you xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-28 12:14:19
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I think it was a very cruel and selfish thing for him to do.
He was using that as a form of manipulation.
We are all our own masters of our destiny...if someone wants to murder their own body..than that is their choice.
Bad things happen to all of us...and not all of us are running around trying to kill ourselves and blaming the whole world for our stinking thinking patterns.
It was his choice Marie..to think on death until he acted on his own thoughts.
You had nothing to do with it.
I would almost bet my life on it...that he did this to others as well as you.. before he took his pity party and hung himself.
That may sound harsh...but it is truth to me.
I have been through much emotional, sexual, and physical abuse in my life, and I do not use it as an excuse to hate the world..and to torture others with my pain.
I instead turned my pain into something constructive...to help others through the same pain.
This entry made me angry...at him.
Not you.
You are right...how dare he blame you for his own self pity ..and the murder of his own body.
You did not put the rope around his neck...he did.
I love you Marie...and I care not who flags me.
I see how this guilt has eaten at your whole thought life since he did this selfish cruel act to himself.
Peace Sweet Marie...have peace now.
You did nothing wrong.
We all choose our own lives..or our own suicide.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-11-28 13:57:42
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i've missed you Ds,
your words bring tears to my eyes
positive tears
i was always so ashamed to admit my anger at his selfishness and i feel free of that burdon now
thankyou to everyone for not judging me the way i have judged myself
i love you Ds x thankyou for helping me this far x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2007-11-28 14:04:46
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I love you Marie..you are free.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-11-28 16:09:15
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The Truth...sets us free.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-11-28 16:09:52
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