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Its 2 35am, i feel like crap, i haven't slept very much in the last few weeks, i am tired all the time, but as soon as i go to bed i am wide awake..i'm not really thinking about anything, so i don't know why i am not sleeping, i miss falling alseep in his arms, i cuddle up to him, or he cuddles up to me, i feel warm i feel safe..yet i am awake, i have not been very productive with my writing, i keep trying to write a masterpeice...but it doesn't happen, i read the posts here of some amazing talented writers, some of you are so creative, you seem to know all the right things to say, i wanted to write the story of my best friend properly, but i just don't seem to be able to do it, i cant write those delicate prose, i can't be entertaining in the boring parts, my head is so messed up, i need to sleep, so why can't i?
ok i think i might be lying about the not worrying thing, since i came back on line in september i feel as though me and himself are drifting apart, i blame myself, he works so much and i work at home, so i seem to have got wrapped up in this place and various others, so when he comes home, i keep sying 'i'll get off in a minute' and that minute never comes....he needs me so much right now, with his mum being back in hospital for her second 10 days of kemo, and the business changing, buying the house, he has so much on his mind and i am just blocking it all out, we went through a stage of regular baliff visits a few months back, and i became terrified of every car door slamming outside the house, every person walking past the front door, i still try and make the house look like theres no one in all day, i end up sitting in the dark some nights until 7pm comes, afraid to turn on a light.... i know in a few days maybe weeks all our big money worries will be over, but i can't seem to snap out of it, i am in this huge pit of denial, where i hide myself away, frightened to even talk about money or work encase a row starts...so i feel guillty as usual, i am being a bad wife, and i need to be a little more supportive, i don't want to sound full of it, but i used to be almost perfect as a girlfriend/wife, i would cook every night, i would always be on top of all the house work, i would make sure the house was warm and welcoming in the evenings and yes i used to be a 'little raver' in the bedroom..that part i may still have the nack for..anyway i used to sit and talk to him for hours, i'd get all my work done in the day time, which was a pain a few months ago when i didn't have the computer, and when his mum first got ill i made sure he talked about how he was feeling everynight, because he can be really bad at bottling things up, and i didn't want him to fall appart one day...but now, i seem to be pretty useless, i pretend i don't see him watching TV by himself, looking a little lost..if my visits here become a little less over the next few days, it is because i have given myself that big kick up the arse that i need to snap me out of this selfish place i have put my self....hey i feel a little better, this is the first time in ages i have been honest about my feelings here for ages....
please don't worry about me though, i have been a lazy, selfish cow, and i will sort this out, and i will check in everyday, love you guys very much xxxx
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Posted by missmarie on 2008-01-06 21:56:13 | Rating: | Views: 196
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Oh Marie I love you.
You are not a lazy selfish cow!
haha
That made me giggle.
You just have been escaping from stress, and blogging is a very nice way to do that.
We will understand if you are not on as much, but we will miss you.
Your honey misses you now, and you realizing that, makes you far from selfish.
Go and knock his socks off.
I love you.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-07 02:33:37
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Yes marie, do what you need to do.
We will be here when you want or need us.xx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2008-01-07 06:04:54
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thanks guys, you two are like my sisters awww love you both xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-07 09:43:49
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If you cant get offline... bring him in and he can have his own account. Im sure he'd soon be addicted and fighting you for the computer... um, yea, well, maybe not then.... lol
We're not going away Marie so we'll see you when we see you. :)
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Posted by scotslad60
on 2008-01-07 09:48:24
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Writing from the heart is always a masterpiece, Marie, and you have just written one. xx
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2008-01-07 10:28:22
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Miss Marie -- I can so relate to what you are saying. As soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake and wandering around until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. It sounds like you have many worries on your mind.
Much of the time, when I can't sleep, I find I'm just being to hard on myself. It's a new year and didn't I want this to be my year and since my lucky number is 8 (I came into this world on the 8th day of the month) shouldn't things be falling into place and happening ... I joined thoughts and why am I not writing eloquent posts with everything said in just the right way. My sweet father-in-law who left this earth for heaven last September always said "easy by easy". Which meant go easy on yourself and let things progress naturally.
Sweetie I have read your blog and seen many of your comments in other's blogs. You, my dear, do not have a selfish bone in your body. Love, compassion and caring thoughts, for others, flow out of your soul. I'll say a prayer for you when I find myself up in the middle of the night. Peace and sweet dreams to you.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-01-07 12:16:30
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scotslad, good idea but he hates computers , i think i'll spend a little less time offline for a while, i can still come on in the day when i am meant to be working hehe x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-07 12:48:02
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Paul, thankyou honey that is really sweet of you xxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-07 12:48:36
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Colorado, thanks you are very kind, i think it doesn't help me that i am on line until bed time as i know it takes me hours to wind down anyway
i will try to be a little less hard on myself, thanks again honey xxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-07 12:50:15
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We love you too marie. xx
Sisters in arms, he he.xx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2008-01-07 14:58:12
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I have to agree with the other you are far from selfish and are being too hard on yourself, but sometimes it is hard to watch those you love go through such anguish and pain, and this place has been your escape everyone needs an escape you cant feel guilty about that
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Posted by lostandalone
on 2008-01-07 16:32:04
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You are the sweetest person. I know how it can be to be to hard on yourself.i do that very often. Escpically when i make a mistake. Just take your time with things. i agree that you are doing things because you are stressed and worried. you will be fine dearie...
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Posted by unrealangel
on 2008-01-08 14:53:37
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Just saying Hi againxx
I have just done those pictures.
What a ninny i am, i am still laughing, he he.
Those stupid wires. ha haxx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2008-01-08 15:09:16
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See how silly i am now, i have just posted my comment in the wrong blog. ha ha.xx
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Posted by bubblydi
on 2008-01-08 15:10:18
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You guys have inserted your madness into my head already. I hope you're happy. Notice I said happy.
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Posted by QuickHitGondolin
on 2008-01-08 17:42:19
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i am very happy at the spread of madness haha
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-08 18:21:16
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thankyou scarb, i worry who's blog i've read and who i've forgotten hehe its terrable isn't it..i must try your advice, thanks honey xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-09 07:55:15
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Chill on yourself marie, we all love you and you are not a selfish person...
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Posted by Rajah1116
on 2008-01-09 18:39:29
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You are so NOT selfish.
The comments you have left in my blog really have hit me right in the heart. You are awesome! Thank-you for stopping by with such sweet things to say.
I know what you mean about the computer thing, I do the same thing to my hubbie at times, we get so caught up with our thoughts family because there are so many wonderful, kind, considerate people.
When I didnt have the computer for a few days I was going thru withdrawals.
I hope your mind will rest easy so that you can sleep. I will put out good thoughts for you. Silly me notice the time I am posting this comment? 4am
I better get to bed! Good night and sweet dreams!
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2008-01-10 04:10:00
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I have a full life as well, there have been weeks, that after I get my money into my bank account, it is still in the red (negative. A friend of mine taught me a little something that might help you sleep if your still having that issue though. I know this blog is a few days old and allot can happen in a few days.
But when you hit the pillow and you have that tornado of thought, feelings, and emotions hit you like a bomb. Grab on positive thought or thing in your life, your husband. Think what would you do for him if you woke up and someone gave you enough money to buy and do what ever you wanted. Go into detail in your head the things you would do for him, how you would tell him, almost like your telling a little story in your head. Each night make it more elaborate and change the places you would go. then when you tapped that dream out, got to something different, plan out your perfect holiday in you mind, but keep it light and happy. Don't let the fact come in that you may not have the money to do it ruin it for you. It is a dream in your mind and in there anything can happen and you can go anyplace... If you can do that at night and sleep better, maybe you will be able to get more done during the day, and then be able to motivate your self more to do the things in the evening with you husband that you want to do.
It's just a thought, and you do not know me, so please don't take it to heart unless you really think it will help.
Think peaceful happy thoughts!
Douglas
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-01-12 09:45:22
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thankyou Treverjohn, i'm glad i could help x
Douglas, nice to meet you honey, thankyou for the advice, i will give it a try x
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-01-12 10:52:57
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I have the same problem and the answer is balance, but Im always a little wobbly, and my family lets me know when Im going to fall and sometimes they even wiggle the wire. You are a doll, dont worry about your friends on thoughts. we are here for you
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Posted by roe
on 2008-01-20 23:34:17
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