So on my return from my weekend away, my friend and I went to the local pub, to meet another friend of ours, i texted Karl to say i was back and that i was in the pub, i heard nothing back, in my naivety i assumed he had no credit on his phone, as he rarely did, so i called him, he didn't answer, and i didn't think anything of it, carried on with my friends, had a laugh and a giggle with the locals, still on the cloud.
A few days had passed, i hadn't heard anything from him, or even seen him around, i had tried calling him, but he was obviously avoiding my calls, i realised at that point that i might have lost the best friend i ever had, but i knew I’d run into him soon enough, and we could straighten things out, i got quite angry in the days that followed...eventually, one afternoon, i was sitting in the pub with my friends, and i saw him walking past the pub, i stormed outside, i think i called him gutless, i think i may have started to cry, i think he told me he didn't want to hurt me and we should forget what had happened because he only brings pain to people, i said i cant lose you as a friend, you are the most important person in my life, and you have hurt me more by avoiding me and not being honest...he still walked away, my friend came out to me, found me crying.
Don’t follow your heart and ignore your instincts is what i learned from that experience...
but i could never do that, my heart talks to much and my instincts rarely guide me wrong, i understood deep down, why he was behaving this way, i knew he was still looking out for me, and i knew minutes after we made love that i would have to forget what we had done, but it had to be done, it truly did, no matter what you want to call it a one night stand or whatever, we love each other very much and we were at a point where we had no other option but to display our affection in that way, so i wont ever regret it, not ever.
It took a while, but a few weeks later he found me, in the local pub as per usual, he said he was sorry and i told him i understood, we both had to stop confusing our feelings, there was no lust between us, so there was no reason for it to happen again.....
obviously it did, but it wasn’t good, my drinking got worse and worse, my friends were all younger than me, and a very good friend of mine was on a mission to erase pain from his heart, so we went out every night, drinking and clubbing, getting into arguments. Pressing each others self destruct buttons...my problem was my ex, the violent one, i really hated my self and became a real drunken whore, desperate for someone to like me. I know that’s not the way to deal, but it was how i handled it at the time, i think i was seeing a few ppl on and off, including my best female friend, who i really hurt, i think she was the only one in it all who really cared about me, but i didn’t even notice, I’m not even bisexual so why did i do it!
some one else was also on a self destruct mission, and if anyone had any sense, Karl and i would have steered well clear of each other, but we didn't, and we started an affair. There was no love, there was defiantly no tenderness...well i didn't think so, and i hurt him, i really hurt him, he really lost it, i ended it with everyone, and just decided i was worthless, so i drank and drank and drank, i had a full time managers job in a busy town pub, he'd come in everyday, play me music, tell me he loved me, and keep an eye on me, it wasn’t creepy or strange, but i was a little worried,
i had met this guy, this wonderful guy, i told him i would hurt him, i drank to much, was in allot of debt and not worth wasting his time on me, but he did, we talked one night, i said, i don’t fall in love easily anymore, he said i don’t fall in love atoll, but i want to be with you, and he warned me not to fall for him....a week later we told each other we loved each other, we meant it. I slowly stopped drinking, and we've been together ever since.
Karl had a nervous breakdown, not because of me and my new relationship, because he didn’t know, i was afraid to tell him, he fell apart, he destroyed his girlfriend and, i thought this is it, he's not going to survive anymore.....
but he did survive,
we were all involved in running a promotion in one of the local clubs, putting on new bands, Karl's love of music had made him consider Djing, so we encouraged him, and he was great, the night he played his first set was the night i told him about my new man, i think he was worried because of the last relationship i had had, he hadn't been there for me, i know he was convinced if he didn't keep an eye on me that i might get hurt again, and he drove me nuts, but it was great to have him back to his old self, worrying about me and picking himself up and dusting himself down.
Me and my new man had been offered the job of running the pub i worked in, as the owners were buying a second pub, we accepted straight away and got a free flat upstairs, and i got my licence...but it was a big mistake, we got into so much debt running that place...but anyway, at the same time, Karl was offered a job running one of his favourite pubs, just down the road from us, he was so excited at the thought of us both working in the same area, and he'd come into my pub to discuss all the things we should do together, it really was wonderful, he hired some Dj equipment from my other half, on a rent to buy type arrangement, and he was djing in his pub every Friday and in the club every Sunday.
but it didn't last long, his ex girlfriend wanted to buy the pub for them both to run, which would have been great, but the owners started to make life very difficult for Karl, they weren’t paying the bills, and he was getting down heartened by it all, and started drinking again, it fell apart, and he ended up lodging at a friends house. Then the graffiti in my pub toilets started "i love Marie" he never denied writing it, he always hugged me and told me he loved me whenever i saw him, i always said i loved him too...
then things got quite bad for me and my other half, his ex, she went nuts when she found out about me and Dan (my man) made our lives a misery, and then Karl made a date with her?! At first i thought it was to make me jealous, i couldn't figure it out, but her insanity stopped for a while, it was suddenly him she was calling at 3am, not us, had he done it to get her off our back? Well mine, he didn't like Dan much. I couldn't figure it out, this woman was/is evil (another story) why would he risk our friendship, unless he was trying to help, I’ve never asked him about it to be honest, and i never will.
We had to move away because of her, no one knows where we are now, that was 18 months ago, and i only recently got in touch with him again, he is with a really nice girl, she seems to have helped him a lot, they have a place together and a baby, he seems really happy and god, i hope he is.
I’m going to meet him soon, I’m scared, but we are friends more than anything else, he will always be a part of my life, always, i cant change that, whenever life gets a little hard, i long for one of his magic hugs...i really do, Dan is very understanding, we've been together over 4 years now, and we are happy , very happy, i am still depressed but that is part of who i am i think, i do feel sorry for myself allot, and i do try not to, i just sometimes wish i never saw the sunshine, then maybe, i wouldn't mind the rain....

please listen to I wish I never saw the sunshine by Beth Orton

and that is the short version
i hope you  like it and you'll be pleased to know that this is......

The End.....or is it