So, where was I, oh yes
we hugged for what seemed like an eternity, before I remembered, I was at work! so I got back to it, then later when things slowed down, we talked, and talked, he told me he loved me, and told me, he hadn't wanted to get in the way of my life, and he felt terrible about what had happened to me with my ex, none of it mattered, he was back, and this time for good, well sort of, he had got into serious trouble, with the girl he was with, her drug problem had spiralled and they had another child, she had left him with a massive debt with a dealer and gone, but now he was living with another girl, who apparently I knew, she was the sister of a friend of mine, and they seemed quite happy, but she was always throwing him out, because he was dealing to pay off the debts, and was drinking quite heavily as I was soon to find out.
I worked most evenings at the club, one night, I was preparing for a function, and in he came, with a new cd he'd just brought for me, the dj was setting up and the guests were starting to arrive but he begged the dj to play a song for me to hear, because he wanted me to hear it for the first time with him, Beth Orton, I wish I never saw the sunshine started to play, the most emotional and appropriate song he could possibly played for me, he made me stand on the dance floor, while the guests were arriving while he held me tight, the song ended and I was struggling to fight off the tears, he handed me the cd, this is for you he said, and he left, me slightly embarrassed but I went back to work pretending I was fine. he came in most nights, in a mess, telling me how much he loved me and needed me, apparently I was his only straight friend left, and he didn't know how to cope anymore, he smashed up his phone and left one night, I followed him out the back of the club, and he lay on the floor crying, I held him, and tried to reassure him, he was convinced his relationship was over, but that was no reason to try and get me to be his girlfriend was it, he was a mess, I had to leave him out there that night, he lay on the floor, holing on to my legs, saying, saying he loved me over and over again, I told him to come inside but he wouldn’t, Karl was clinically depressed, he was also suffering from paranoid delusions, and went on to medication to try and control them, it was heart breaking, his world was crumbling and there was nothing I could, do, this was a point in Karl’s life where he began begging ppl for help, but no one wanted to anymore, he gave up dealing and straightened himself out as best he could, but his life was now officially on the edge.
We hang out a few afternoons, he started to invite me out just to either show me he didn't need me or just because he wanted me there in the background, I wasn’t sure but I left in tears a few times, feeling unwanted and pushed away, for a while I didn't even notice my depression get worse and worse, I hated my jobs, I was very depressed about my ex, and all my friends were moving on, some of his nicer friends became my friends, but for the appearance of one guy, who we had known as kids, Karl knew him as a very small child and I had met him years later when he was living in a bail hostel, he and Karl’s friendship was very intense, and he didn't like me, he was nice enough to me, but I felt the same feelings that I was a threat to him as I had felt from many of Karl's girlfriends, but he was on and off the scene, pretending to be a London gangster (a real gangster not this shite nowadays...real gangsters do exist you know) but at that time he wasn't about enough to really be a friend to Karl, things went from bad to worse over the next year or so, he would stop taking his pills for the sake of it and disappear for days on end leaving us all terrified, as the self harming had got worse and worse
I’ve got to stop for a minute I don’t think I can do this......
sorry, I’m back, ok
anyway, things did get better, his relationship got stronger and his health improved so much, this is the part I’m struggling with, we started spending allot of time together, one night we were at my house, sitting in my room watching a cheesy old film, staring David Essex I’m sure, we had spent allot of evenings together lately, talking and sort of trying to fix each other if you know what I mean, his relationship wasn't as strong as I had thought, I was going away with a friend the next day for the weekend, had to be up for the morning shift at work, so I could get home and ready to catch my train, we assumed he was going to stay over as he did sometimes in total innocence, honestly, but this night was different, something happened, and it shouldn’t have done, but it was amazing, until that night I had never felt such tender love before, he was caring, gentle and it was just beautiful......but it shouldn’t have happened, as my crush came hurtling back, no one had ever made love to me before, not like that anyway.
I Went away the next day, on a cloud, spent most of the weekend talking about him, I wasn't expecting the welcome...or not on my return.

There’s going to be a part 3 I’m sorry I have to go