Ok I’m going to tell you all about him, now I’m feeling slightly better after my bath!

I met him, lets call him....Karl, when I was 13 years old, for me it was love at first sight, he was so handsome, really funny and kind, and had great taste and knowledge in music. I think when we met, we bonded straight away, I think he looked at me like a scruffy little sister, he was 14 I think, much more mature and worldly wise than I, he must have known that I had this almighty crush on him, looking back it was unbelievably obvious the way I behaved around him, all gooey eyed, even when he was mocking my tastes in music, and generally ribbing me in the way only a big brother could.
He left school when he was nearly 16, his mother, after suffering years of abuse from men, decided she was going to move away and there was no room for him, so he got a job and a bed-sit and really took care of himself, or so I thought, he was going through so much and my silly schoolgirl eyes didn't notice, until he and his first true love had a baby, and she decided to run off with another man! but that happened just before his mum left, so he was having a tuff time, I used to walk past his work on the way to school, on the way to lunch from school, on the way back after lunch and then again after school lol I was ridiculous, but then we started to talk allot more, I was leaving school at 16, he was still working and trying to lead a normal life, we used to sit in his bed-sit and talk for hours, much like we did when he lived at home, but the conversations were getting more 'life' serious and all thoughts of schoolgirl crushes went away, he knew what was going on in my life and I to some extent his, he would give me advice on friendships and love, we had a mutual friend, who I had been seeing and fallen in love with, who had killed himself, and we pulled together, and I think he stopped me falling apart, before I turned 18 we had this local pub we all drank in, my friends and his, and he taught me to play pool, helped me look after myself, he stuck up for me whenever he thought I needed it and backed off when I didn't, I met this guy who worked in the pub, we were great friends too, had a very intense friendship that broke my heart, when one day he just stopped speaking to me for reasons to this day I do not know, I begged and pleaded he just kept saying you know what u did, I really didn't, and that lead me into the life of self harming, and until I started to do it I hadn't noticed that Karl had all the tell tale signs of hiding cuts and wounds that I was doing, the real giveaway was one night, I came across him in town and he was very drunk and angry, I watched him put his fist and wrist through a window, when he saw me, I think I was in tears watching him, he grabbed me and pulled the bandage I was wearing off my wrist as I had told everyone I had sprained my wrist! he pulled it off me and said to me something along the lines of 'have I given you the impression this is a good idea?' and we talked about how I should call him if I felt like doing it, I never did, not once, I didn't want the attention or the bollocking from him, he was a mess and I knew why, but I really didn't know what to do, he was wonderful at looking after everyone, if anyone friend or foe had a problem he would do whatever he could to help, it was so inspiring, but so sad, because he didn't want anybodies help, he would talk and tell me the worst of it, but it wasn't enough for him, when he found out why I started harming myself he desperately wanted to do something, but by that time the man in question had moved away and no one knew where he was, I still cant find him now, it still drives me insane not knowing what I did wrong! that was when I realised, and you'll think this silly, that his hugs could make it all go away, no matter what was happening, how bad it all seemed, one of his hugs could take all the pain away.
ok, now I’m 19 and he must have been 20 and we hadn’t really seen each other for a while, life was painful, as it is for most young singles, and the last I saw of him was one night in the pub, there was a girl we all knew, who didn’t have the best reputation, for drugs and sleeping around, there was a rumour going round that she was pregnant, and at that age you find yourself listening to the gossips, but as it turns out it was all true, but this night she was crying outside the pub, and Karl, being Karl said, I’ve been talking to her and I’m going to walk her home, I asked him to be careful, he said, no need to worry about me.. so I trusted him, it was a few months later when I next saw him, I had heard he was living with her, and that things were apparently ok, I had a job behind the bar in another local of ours, my friend worked there and had got me a part time job, as the two of us had about 3 part time jobs. There was a friend of Karl’s, James who came in every night, he used to work with Karl just up the road, and one night when it was really busy, a song came on the jukebox through the silence, it was The Connells 74-75, only me and one other person liked that song, I looked across the busy bar, and there he was grinning at me, he had announced himself in such a sweet way that I still smile when I hear that song now, its on my play list actually, but most of the songs on it are songs from him to me, I mean that in a you will listen to this song!! But there are a couple that are our songs.

(I’m just realising this is going to be a very long story, but if I don’t finish it now I wont do it)

anyway, we talked a little and arranged to meet the next day, he was going to meet me at my other job in a garage after I finished. My work mate got no peace the next day at work, she was excited for me, I think maybe my crush had returned a little, and I wasn’t having the best time of it with men!
so we went out to another pub, we talked we drank, he was saying he was a dad again, I was thinking, but she was pregnant when you met her, but he knew what he was doing, he said, he was thinking of leaving her because it was so much pressure on him with her drug taking and everything else, I thought to myself, you have took on an awful lot, with someone else’s baby etc, anyway, the rest of the night was a laugh, drinking, playing music and pool, and we did it for the next few days, he stayed in town with his ex step dad, and she never seemed to bothered of his whereabouts, so I almost forgot about her, one night, we'd got a bit tiddly,and had a fairly emotional conversation, I really don’t remember much of it, but he was going home, and I was at the train station with him, waiting for his train, and he asked me, shall we give it a go? Me and you? I said, ok then why not, so we arranged to meet in the pub the next night for our first official date! Oh yeah and he kissed me! My god I was so scared, that I only really remember panicking and I went home.
so the next night I got dolled up, and went to meet, him, he was waiting for me, with a big nervous smile and my favourite drink, and we sat, and sat and sat, barely two words came from either of us! Until I spoke up, this is ridiculous, I said, can we go back to being friends please? he agreed straight away, and from that moment things when back to normal, the meetings lessened as we both had our lives to lead, he stayed with his girlfriend, they had another baby, then I met a man, a musician who I fell head over heals for, he lived 200 miles away, but moved down to be with me within weeks, Karl came to the pub to meet him, he shook his hand, gave me a massive hug, and said good luck to you both, and he was gone.
I looked for him many times, no one knew where he was, my relationship went on for 4 years and got more violent by the day, I needed him.
I finally had the strength to end my relationship, I threw him out and he stole someone’s wife, because her husband knocked her about??!?!? I could never work that one out, I was working full time semi managing a local social club, and one afternoon, I think we we're holding a funeral party for a local postman, the guests were starting to arrive, it was getting busy, and surprise, I looked up and there he was, he did a real double take you know, looked at me then looked again, this enormous smile on his face he ran to the bar and I ran to meet him and he hugged me so tight, I had never felt so suddenly safe and happy.

i will have to add part two later x