I know i was a mess for a good few years before i found myself with this wonderful man, who probably saved me from myself, but thinking back now, all i really worried about was where the next beer and ciggie were coming from, yes, i know, thats pretty sad, but i had no real problems, i had a good job which i enjoyed, i was ok for money, I went out every night, dancing, clubbing, going to gigs, hanging out with good friends, I really did have some fun, it was the drink that was the problem.

I always hated drinking, I hated not being in control, I had spent to many years either watching my mother drinking to much,which she did alot and years i spent working in bars seeing the stupid things people did under the influence, relationships and friendships ruind, lives messed up beyond repair, i truely hated it all.

So with that said, how did i end up a drunk? I'm not entirely sure, I could blame all the shit that happened in my life but at the end of the day it was my decision to drink, and sometimes i think back and fill myself up with regrets, then other times, like today, i remember the fun I had and remember how sinple it all was and a big part of me wishes, when things are a little too hard to deal with, I feel like walking away from all the responsabilities, going back to my hometown, telling everyone they were right and i made a huge mistake, but then i remember, they aren't and never will be right, life is hard when you grow up, find yourself in a serious relationship with responsabilities, and it may be easier to walk away, but in the long run, i know that even on the darkest and lonliest days that deep down I am happy, happy with my man and my home and obviously the dogs he he (my babies lol), we all wish we could shun the tuff stuff, and yes its important that you let your hair down once in a while, blow off steam, run screaming down the streets...singing and dancing...getting carried away lol, but it was fun, but it isnt a lifestyle, its something to do occasionally, so I shall, occasionally :)

Yes i have made mistakes, but i'm a grown up now, so no more mistakes, well i'm sure there will be a few, but its time i snapped myself out of this fantasy world, where i am easily distracted from life and focus on my relationship and my real life

I sometimes wonder if i replaced the alcohol with the mystery man, another world where nothing is my problem, an escape if you like, perhaps that is all there is to my dreams, just me trying to escape from life, wouldn't it be awful if that were true, but it sure is the simplest of all the explanations, and the only explanation that would convince everyone of my sanity, maybe maybe maybe...

Maybe i will never know, but it would be nice one day to know for sure, but i will sign off before I go into one about dreams again ;)

* hugs *