18970 Blog Feed: missmarie 2008-08-16 19:08:15 missmarie Your e-mail address 138890 2008-08-16 19:22:15 Remember a few weeks ago, I was talking about thoughts of the single life, memories of simpler times, fun times, and yes drunk times.
I can't shift them, I'm really in a rut here, I want to start college, i want a job, we can't afford college yet, and i'm really struggling to find a job, even part time, apparently i'm over qualified to get a part time bar job, me being a licence holder and all, I can't really get a bar managers job cos of the dogs, so i've been looking for anything else, we're a good few miles out of town now, so the opportunities for a convenient job that wont cost alot in travel are few and far between, so i'm playing housewife, which i don't mind really, i do enjoy it, but with himself never being home there isn't much to do other than chase the dogs around cleaning up after them, walking them...god i'm bored lol
I watched the entire series 3 of Medium in a day on thursday...(and i'm pissed that i have to wait til next year for series four!!!! no consideration some people)
I can only go on the internet late at night when its ok to tie the phone line up (still on the mobile/cell) and i still can't sign into messenger so my lovely friends can't keep me antertained with the silly :)

So anyway, i was talking about my yearnings for the single life, well himself is pretty much shut down emotionally now, he is still working a 22 hour day (f****ing harvest!!!!) and when i do see him he isn't really interested in my 'exciting' day...i know he's tired, i do understand, but he keeps telling me in a disinterested voice that he feels numb to everything, and i'm running out of options, i'm making constant excuses to have sex just to feel close to him and get a glimpse of the man i love (not because i'm sex obsessed at all ;)), and there are no problems in that department, but more than i'd like he has worked through the night recently, and i hate an empty bed, i don't mind the phonecalls from him at 3 and 4 am because he needs someone to keep him awake.
Here is an example of his distance, now we have always been best friends more than anything else in our relationship, we don't keep secrets from each other and if either of us need any support of any kind we are there for each other, but last week, he was working through the night as far as i was concerned, he seemed fine when we spoke and then we lost contact for a few hours, yes i worry cos he is driving heavy machinery at night and he's exhausted, i didn't get hold of him til 9;30 the next morning and he said his battery had died, it was over a week later when he admitted that he had gone to where his mums ashes are scattered, i asked him why he had hidden it from me, he had made a real point of actually lying about it, he told me he thought i would think him stupid for wanting to spend the night sitting on a cold, windy beach talking to his mum, that gutted me, the fact that he felt he had to keep it from me for a very misguided reason, as if he didn't trust me with it, i've been there through every part of this ordeal, and i am sure i have never given the impression that i think him mourning his mum stupid, so i don't know, it made me feel even less needed by him, and i realised that over the past few weeks, he has pushed me away so far that we are barely even freinds anymore, and that breaks my heart, he has really shut himself off from everyone, he's rude to me when i talk to him in the day, and he's rude to me when he gets home, he doesn't want me to cook for him and i havent seen him in normal clothes for what feels like months ( imagine his work clothes, oily, diesely, smelly...oh thats the chicken poo lol) aaany way, so i sit here day in day out, bored, feeling useless, worried sick about him, he makes snide remarks about the cost of a single shotgun pellet compared to paying off the business debts, and it worries me to death.

So as i say, i sit here, feeling useless, worrying, not knowing what to do, thinking about what i would do if i left (which i'm fairly sure i wont), what i would do with the dogs (sometimes i think i'm only here because i couldn't bare to give them up) then i remember being single, and not haveing to worry about anything.

I think i'm also having an early mid life crisis lol, i turn 34 next month, i'm not normally one to worry about age, i'm doing pretty well, i have no crowsfeet and no sign of any grey hairs yet (though its hard to tell under the various colours still growing out of my hair right now lol)
But its all making me think, making me wonder if i'm in the right place, with the right guy, i've thrown myself into a relationship, i've supported himself in building up his dream business, and i'm starting to worry that its too late to follow my dreams, i really want to start a uni course or two, modern history and english lit (still pondering the parapsychology), but i don't think we will be in a position to afford to do that any time soon.

Various friends have offered me a weekend away, and it sounds dreamy, a good weekend of what ever i feel like, no worrying..ahhhh sounds blissfull to me at the moment. Me and him have also promised each other a week away to a few places, which i would also love to do, but i doubt i will be able to hold him to it, so whats the point in waiting, i'll have to get on to the dog sitters, and see if they could take the girls for a week or two, perhaps go and visit a few friends in various places MISSMARIE GOES ON TOUR ahhh i should get a passport and take this tour to Canada and the States...he he i would love that lol but if i could afford that i would be signing up for uni i recon lol.

See, same old me, still dreaming...........

i miss you guys mwah xx
]]> 135176 2008-08-08 11:37:56 132622 2008-08-03 17:06:17

Enjoy..

]]> 132494 2008-08-03 09:00:35


Hey guys i've had a few mails concerning my profile being on private, please no one take it personally, i made a hash of it because i thought it had gone wrong, but general theory is that thoughts are preparing for tonights big change, so i am waiting til they have finished to repair the mess i made lol, so until then it is on private, you know how it is when your house is a mess and you don't want to let visitors in until you've ran the hoover round and picked up all the mess ha ha its just like that, so please don't take it personally, and the other thing it seems as i am on private that i will vanish from your bookmarks (which i didn't realise would happen) i haven't done it on purpose, normal sevice will be resumed next week

anyhoo, back to my dull sunday he he


oh and here's a little something i came across that you might like

A Charlie Brown Christmas performed by the cast of Scrubs

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]]> 129319 2008-07-27 19:31:18 My last few posts have been a little cryptic i know, i haven't really explained much since before my mother in laws passing and i had to go offline, so i thought it time that i catch you all up.

I don't really know where to start to be honest, the funeral and the scattering of the ashes has obviously passed, there have been good days and bad for my other half, although he has been getting angrier and angrier, whenever he hears of some child abuser or murderer who lives to a ripe old age he gets bitter, i try and tell him, no one choses who gets to live or die, well not in this country anyway, he has completely thrown himself into his work, i mean its a very busy time of year for us at the moment anyway, but he's leaving the house at 4 or 5am and not getting home til after one am every day, it would probably be like that anyway, but being around me or talking to me seems to give him time to remember, then he feels bad that he stopped thinking about her for a while, then he gets mad, don't worry he's not violent, the arguments are getting bigger and bigger, i can't help but cry, i'll even admit to having the odd afternoon drink, his sister has finally gone home, so now perhaps his dad can start to try to live by himself, so he's worried, i told him that perhaps in a few days he should go and stay with him for a night or two, but it is important that he doesnt get reliant on any of his children, he would hate that, besides he has his own siblings visiting every other day, i think he'd be glad of a little time to himself, but thats just my opinion, i guess there are many ways we can handle it, i think we just wait and see, if he needs us he will ask, he isnt too proud.

Anyway so when i do see him, he tries to pretend that he is ok, but he doesnt want any hugs, and no ammount of upset seems to get me any either, we talked the other night and he has promised to take tomorrow off work and go to the doctors, we shall see, i think he is too busy to go, but i can hope, he is going to ask about grief counceling, but the problem with this country is if you can't afford to go private you will probably end up on a 6 month waiting list depending on how important they think your case is, i've been there with my ex, the NHS thought  that a man desperately trying to get help to stop him beating his girlfriend wasnt worth helping, he went for 3 sessions after a 8 month wait then they tried to reasign him, but no one wanted it so he went back on the list!!!! he never got any better, it seems that mental health is the least important part of the uk's health system so no one can give the help they want to offer, any way i digress.

So yes, i have been feeling a little sorry for myself, obviously we just moved, the house is great, the dogs love their new garden, but we are miles from town, and i don't know anyone really, so i'm spending too much time alone thinking about being alone, i'm looking for a part time job as the office isn't keeping me busy enough, and the house is sparkling lol and so is the garden, i have way to much time on my hands he he

So i don't know what to do with myself, i'm kinda glad that my internet connection isnt great right now aswell, or i'd probably get hooked again and completely loose myself, and i have to stay as strong as i can for him, he seems to have stopped crying now, i think that is a little unhealthy considering how much rage he has brewing inside him, i just really don't want him to have a breakdown, i don't think he would come back from it to be honest, so much crap has happened to him in recent years i am terrified this will push him over the edge, he's also going through a fear stage now, he thinks he is going to lose his dad, obviously i can't promise him that he wont, but its hard to reasure him.

I'm usually the advice giver, and i feel useless right now, i'm not too sure how to handle this situation, if he doesnt get help i don't know if our relationship will survive, but i could never walk away from him, i love him so much, so i am not sure what to do next, if he  keeps working at this rate he will kill himself through exhaustion and making a mistake, he drives some very large heavy machinery, plus if he doesnt steady on taking it out on me then we will lose each other, i have tired every angle, i just hope that he does get to the doctors tomorrow, i will be with him, and perhaps if they do put him on a waiting list then we can save up and go private, i know that 'relate' have councellors for every occasion and you just have to make a donation to them it isn't a huge fee or anything.

Only time will tell i suppose, i'm sorry to depress you all, i just thought it time to fill you all in, and i know i say this all the time, but i mean it, please don't worry about me i am ok, just not sure how to deal with the current situation, i've survived worse than this...oh i don't know lol ramble over


]]> 129250 2008-07-27 14:43:18
I miss your touch
Those rough hands on my soft flesh
Your hot breath on my neck
Gentle kisses on my skin

Undressing me as quickly as you can
Feeling your body on mine
Gasping at your sudden weight
Tasting you tasting me

Come home and take care of your woman
I need to feel you close to me

  ]]> 128528 2008-07-25 12:44:37 this is all wrong
nothing i can say
nothing i can do
God knows i've tried
yet here i still sit
alone day and night
no chats on the phone
no words of kindness
i don't think there is much left
of the us that used to be
i think i've had enough
of the bad moods and spite
no good days anymore
i can't fight anymore
i've tried to stop this ship from sinking
but its not a one woman job
its up to you now
i don't know how long you've got
please try as i don't want to go
but i don't imagine you will
not for one minute
though i will always hope
but i can't cry anymore
I feel awful for feeling this way
but i do, and only you can make it better

 

 


]]> 126053 2008-07-20 19:35:30 Perhaps also proof that the Clique exsists? (and God i'm sick of telling people that it doesnt!)
You know what i'm happy to write, i don't care if no one reads me other than my good friends (pauses rant to thank you again mwah you know who you are, thanks for being here for me the last few weeks...months x) but to you people who bitch about me, take a minute to catch up maybe, I'm getting a bit fed up of this place to be honest, yeah i know i will calm down and probably delete this next time my connection allows me to come on line, but right now i am mad!!!!!! if you have nothing better to do than complain that i havent read you then god i must be special!

I used to come here to escape, to laugh, to talk to friends, but it seems those times may have gone now, and that makes me sad :( i'm sorry if my rant offends anyone but...GRRRRR!!! ]]> 125598 2008-07-19 11:32:41 I look at that face on the tv screen
the man from my dream
always the hero, the romantic, the lover, the fighter
He looks like my baby
In almost everyway
'cept for the smile, the out held hand

Perhaps all i long for
In these dreams of safety and love
Is the you i once knew
all those years ago

Spending too much time appart
From the one that i love
so many hours alone
days with no hug
all that i want is that man in my life
with a smile a laugh and some hope

If these dreams hadn't come
years before our time
I'd happily confess
that you are the man of my dreams
just missing that love in your eyes

Still searching, hoping for answers
perhaps just to hide
my lonley frustrated heart
missing you every minute
that we are appart
I love you


]]> 124800 2008-07-17 17:25:33 That man alone in the saloon bar's corner?
Who can he be
that man alone, solitary, musing, remembering
What can he be?

The shoulders haunched
The face pocked, rived and valleyed
With a lifetime's small tragedies
The slanting mirror on the wall
Emblemed with Ind Coope and Alsop (sic)
Reflecting his receding hair
his thick shoulders
His silent simian hirsute hands

What is, what was the weight
that sloped those haunching shoulders
that man alone, solitary, musing, thinking
of what can he be
nothing?

Or does he live again the nightmare
Of all the shame he suffered and
made others suffer
the torn promise, the shattered word
His red hand caught in the emotional till
The things he had never done
and never would do now
Lost lovely things, the hopeless things long lost
The hot blush of childhood lies
Love and hate and fear and love
again and hate
And the ultimate terrable
ineluctable wrath of God
Does he hear the silent howl
of death?

Haunched solitary, silent
That man alone in the saloon bar's corner
That man alone, solitary, musing
who can he be?
I lift my eyes from the bitter pint
I see that man in the mirror
That man is me.

Richard Burton November 5th 1965

A man i once knew, the older man in the first bar i worked, he taught me the word curmudgeon, and he was a great friend, he spoke to no one without insulting them, but we used to talk for hours, me the 19 year old barmaid, him the 50 something curmudgeon, one day, perhaps one of the last times i saw him, he gave me this poem, he had typed it out for me on his old typewriter, and i kept it safe for a long time, i found it today, and now, a little older and maybe wiser i read the words and realise perhaps what he was telling me about himself, now i am wondering if he is still alive, and perhaps next time i visit my home town i should look him up and see if he remembers me.
I am posting this for Jim, the curmudgeon, my old friend, the man who made me invest in a decent dictionary to do the cryptic crosswords lol i hope you all like it, x ]]> 124648 2008-07-17 11:38:10 ]]> 124307 2008-07-16 19:41:29 Will it ever stop?
more and more crap everyday
I'm getting sick of it all now
NO MORE PLEASE!

I think one more set back
will push one of us over the edge
Please give us both strength
before its too late

please don't worry, i'm just blowing off steam x ]]> 124242 2008-07-16 17:14:55 I wont give up on you
Fight another day
together

take no notice :) ]]> 123610 2008-07-15 11:11:04

The Cold

4 candles

4 Yorkshiremen

Peter Cook & Dudley Moore

Blackadder the third

Triggers broom

Fawlty Towers ]]> 122681 2008-07-13 11:35:29 I know i was a mess for a good few years before i found myself with this wonderful man, who probably saved me from myself, but thinking back now, all i really worried about was where the next beer and ciggie were coming from, yes, i know, thats pretty sad, but i had no real problems, i had a good job which i enjoyed, i was ok for money, I went out every night, dancing, clubbing, going to gigs, hanging out with good friends, I really did have some fun, it was the drink that was the problem.

I always hated drinking, I hated not being in control, I had spent to many years either watching my mother drinking to much,which she did alot and years i spent working in bars seeing the stupid things people did under the influence, relationships and friendships ruind, lives messed up beyond repair, i truely hated it all.

So with that said, how did i end up a drunk? I'm not entirely sure, I could blame all the shit that happened in my life but at the end of the day it was my decision to drink, and sometimes i think back and fill myself up with regrets, then other times, like today, i remember the fun I had and remember how sinple it all was and a big part of me wishes, when things are a little too hard to deal with, I feel like walking away from all the responsabilities, going back to my hometown, telling everyone they were right and i made a huge mistake, but then i remember, they aren't and never will be right, life is hard when you grow up, find yourself in a serious relationship with responsabilities, and it may be easier to walk away, but in the long run, i know that even on the darkest and lonliest days that deep down I am happy, happy with my man and my home and obviously the dogs he he (my babies lol), we all wish we could shun the tuff stuff, and yes its important that you let your hair down once in a while, blow off steam, run screaming down the streets...singing and dancing...getting carried away lol, but it was fun, but it isnt a lifestyle, its something to do occasionally, so I shall, occasionally :)

Yes i have made mistakes, but i'm a grown up now, so no more mistakes, well i'm sure there will be a few, but its time i snapped myself out of this fantasy world, where i am easily distracted from life and focus on my relationship and my real life

I sometimes wonder if i replaced the alcohol with the mystery man, another world where nothing is my problem, an escape if you like, perhaps that is all there is to my dreams, just me trying to escape from life, wouldn't it be awful if that were true, but it sure is the simplest of all the explanations, and the only explanation that would convince everyone of my sanity, maybe maybe maybe...

Maybe i will never know, but it would be nice one day to know for sure, but i will sign off before I go into one about dreams again ;)


* hugs *


]]> 122354 2008-07-12 14:12:00 Comic Relief 2007 - Peter Kay, Matt Lucas & The Proclaimers...and some fella in a kilt!?! ;)

sorry i'm not on much, i hope things will be back to normal soon
I miss you guys so much, and i hope you are all well and happy :) ]]> 120431 2008-07-08 18:21:37

he he ]]> 116752 2008-06-30 18:58:03 Quelque part profond dans mon âme
MOI would font quelque chose à trouver vous Voyager n'importe où à rencontrer vous
Hoping thanksggiving vous Mai savons myself Semblable à moi toucher je sais vous Suis moi fou sentiment ça voie autour de une imagination?
MOI réfléchir Je suis Mais le souvenir myself sainte ayant mon imagination que la société quand sentiment seul
que moi souvent font

]]> 116677 2008-06-30 15:30:57

Just a quick note to say hi and to shout a tune out to my mystery man lol you youthfull people out there will remember this one, i saw this video the other day and it really had a ring of my dreams to it, and brought back alot of memories...

I'm missing you all so much and i hope to get back on full time soon xx

Love you guys :D ]]> 112514 2008-06-21 17:35:51 Sad news though, my mother in law passed away Friday morning at four thirty AM, after 12 hours without life support and complete organ failure, the chemo killed her in the end unfortunately, so i will be online very rarely until after the funeral next week.

I would like to share a song with you that she has requested to be played at the service, she was, and probably always will be a rock chick, but this song has real meaning to all the family, she wanted us all to listen carefully to the lyrics.

see you all very soon x

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