I'm sorry this isnt a poem or a story, more of a ramble really, my best friend has been on my mind since i saw him and spoke to him on the phone x
I know that we all grow older, and we all change, but i have been having selfish thoughts about my best friend.
I have watched him grow from a 15 year old into a 35 year old, and i miss the old him
He was a stunning man, beautiful blonde curly hair, big blue eyes, a perfect smile... he was lovely he he
Drugs, alcohol and illness have taken that man away from us (selfishly i fear, from me)
don't get me wrong i still love him with all my heart and would die for him
But, (isn't there always a but)
I have a picture of him, an actual picture, not just a memory, my friend mailed it to me
we were in our early twenties, we were in a local pub, we were having so much fun
He was this man who had no idea how his life would spiral out of control
He was, not innocent, he was, coping with life, he hadn't met the people who would lead him astray
I know he is responsable for his own choices
He had a smile that could melt any girls heart, and he had a heart that he wore on his sleeve
HIs paranoia was probably caused by the drugs, and then the drugs probably caused his paranoia
He will be on medication for the rest of his life
But, he still is that wonderful kind man,
i mentioned the weight he had put on
I claimed that meant he is healthy
I spoke to him on the phone the day after i saw him
I knew he was worried about the weight
he asked me
" do you still love me now that i am fat?"
he laughed, nervously i expect
I told him i would always love him, and to me, the weight showed me a man who was healthy and happier than he had been in years.
I think i lied, don't get me wrong, i still love him yes, but the weight hmm
I worry that it is a new symptem
None of his family are overweight
They were at least around long enough for me to see their wastelines
He told me he was behaving himself "to an extent" lol
Which says to me that he enjoys a beer and still smokes some weed
which is harmless,
you can argue with me, have a debate about drugs, i am not interested in that
my experiences tell me that Weed is pretty much harmless, compared to the drugs he has taken.
Harmless, Especially to a man like him
*i am not saying go out and smoke weed-do not try this at home, yes with him eventually the weed lead to worse things, because of the people he met whilst buying or taking the weed*
anyway
He is still tall, he still owns those big blue eyes
his smile, his teeth, well you can imagine, the years of abuse have left them in a sorry state
his hair, his thick mop of blonde curls are thinning,
he cuts it really short to hide it (c'mon guys that doesnt work)
he is over weight, much so for a usually slim man
ok if he is covering his other addictions with food, fair enough
if he's given up the Stella (v strong beer nicknamed 'wife beater') and replaced it with Guinnes, fair enough
would explain the weight gain
perhaps my paranoia is returning
perhaps i am so used to him being needy i am wary of this new him, i have seen him fall so many times
I will always fear it happening again
Maybe i am selfish, maybe the fact that i am getting older and more fearful of age that seeing him age scares me
but
and yes there is always a but!
I still see it in his eyes, that spark, those questions, the ones we both want to ask each other, the ones that neither of us know the answer to, hence why we don't ask
Would it?
could it?
Should we have?
No.
we both know that, so why do i still see his questioning eyes, telling me otherwise?
I hope i am imagining it.
The years haven't been kind to him, the drugs haven't been kind to him, he should be in his prime now, but he isn't
and i know he is still a little unhappy inside
I claimed his new love 'fixed him' and on the surface she has
but i fear the many years of torment and abuse may still return to bite him
No one treated him kindly, then he spent years being unkind to himself, then the world washed their hands off him
Sometimes i feel guilty, he always came to me, when he was distraught, he never asked me for anything, never asked for money, only a shoulder, like me being his 'only straight friend' as he called me, as if i had the answer, as if i could somehow stop the wirlwind he was in, but he never told me what he wanted, we would talk, cuddle, cry, and eventually laugh. but he never said "help me"
perhaps
he assumed
as i was the only one who had seen most of his ilfe grow in front of me, perhaps, as i knew he would never ask for help, perhaps thats why he came to me, i was supposed to know
But
If I ever offered him help, he always said he was fine, he might ask that i buy him a beer, or go for a smoke with him to the river,
Maybe he only ever wanted to be normal,
and i was the nearest thing he had to normal, what ever that is
i wasn't going to offer him coke or any other kind of drug, other than a cigarette or a vodka, or even a cup of tea, ha ha, maybe my world class Bologneise, the only thing i cooked for him that we both liked :)
Am i seeing our whole friendship from my eyes, i consider him my brother, perhaps he see's me as the normal girl next door, who he could have been with, but we never got along as a couple, never :(
maybe there are too many perhaps' and perhaps there are too many maybe's
even when i was a drooling, drunken mess, on the edge of self destruct, we tried, well, we didn't try, we had a stupid fling that scared me very much.
No we were meant to be friends, nothing more, we would have lost each other years ago in the 'valley of the ex's' had we actually gone out, we tried 2 or 3 time, never lasted more than a week or 2, and we never even slept together til many years later.
I am the only person who has never left him, his mother left him, his first girlfriend left with his first child, the rest of his family dwindled, and slowly but surely this trusting man became paranoid and needy, reliant on drugs, and eventually reliant on Medication to prevent him from losing himself into the paranoid world, where everyone was out to get him, and he cut at himself time and time again.....
What should i do now? I want to talk to him, he is my friend, nothing more, everyone now, apparently understands us and trusts us, but i am scared, i keep telling him i will meet up with him, but i keep putting it off, and now he fears he may never see me more often than accidentally bumping into each other when i visit my hometown....
his worrying doesn't help, as you may be aware, when i met my ex, my friend thought i would be happy, and that he would be in the way, he shook my fella's hand, told him to take care of me and walked out of my life for four years, when he returned, as he heard we had split up, he found out from another 'friend' that my ex had been very voilent towards me, and he felt awful, like if he had stuck around, he may have been able to do something..
maybe he could have,but i doubt it very much,
i know i looked for him many times over those four years, but he was no where to be found, he had moved away with his girlfriend...
anyway
he is paranoid about that too, he is terrified that my pressent other half will hurt me, he listened to way to much gossip before i moved away, and is convinced that i am going to get hurt.
there is no reasuring him lol
I am sorry i have rambled on, it would be nice for some feedback, i know these thoughts of mine may be jumbled up, but they are driving me mad, this isn't about any fears of an affair, its about the things that may come out if we meet up and he is honest about himself and his life, and maybe i don't want to be forced to question my life.
so any advice would be most welcome
sorry i have gone on a bit
am am still determined to write his life story, but i need to discuss that with him too, not sure what he might say on the subject
Posted by missmarie on 2008-04-25 13:52:24 | Rating: | Views: 155
I have a friend who i have known most of my life, we are 5 years apart. she is like a little sister to me. i love her. She has gone down a path in her life that i couldn't deal with anymore. i was there for her when she needed me, and did what i could. but in the end everything was up to her. we started talking again this year, we aren't as close as we once were, and i know we never will be. but she is happy now, and more at peace in a way. she is still troubled greatly, but its something that no matter how many what if's i ask, it just wont go away.
He is very lucky to have you in his life. Even though he may have changed in looks, and its hard sometimes to see someone who changes that way in looks because its almost like it hurts us, its not them. but it is them now.. if that makes sense. all we can do is be there for them now, and try to build them up and be their shoulder now. and maybe one day they will become that person we wish for them to be, all we can do is smile for them, love them, and hug them :) you are the perfect soul for that and for him.
This is beautifully written. Each sentence bleeds your love for your friend.
I don't think you're being selfish, knowing that drugs and bad decisions have ripped so much of your friend from you. I think you just know how much he could have been by now.
"Maybe the fact that i am getting older and more fearful of age that seeing him age scares me" is really brave of you to face. The very fact that you recognize that as a possibility shows that you have a really balanced and strong character. That's the perfect type of support your friend needs.
Greenersky
thankyou, i believe we have many soul mates and yes i think he is one of them, weather he agrees is another story, but there is something unexplainable between us, hopefully one day we will know what that is lol
hugs and love xx
Erica, you are so sweet all of the time i love you honey x
I do understand what you mean, i hope he is on the right track, i truly hope he is happy, and as i say the new weight is him being healthier than he has ever been, we shall see.
Your friend, you may not be as close now, but you will always have that bond because you have known each other for so long, and one day when she is on the straight and narrow she may well come to you and thank you for being such a good friend to her, i hope so anyway, it is hard to have old friends when people keep moving on and you miss out on so much of each others lives.
big hugs Erica xx
Bjm, i am sorry you miss your friend so much, i understand how you feel, just hold on to those memories of the things you used to do together and smile whenever you think of him xx
Yalith, it wore me down years ago he he seriously though, i have seen him go to hell and back, there is only one other thing he can go through now, and i desperately hope that wont happen for a very very long time
I have always been awful at the thought of getting old, and i thought i had a handle on it, i think i still have, its just sad to see someone physically aging before their time x
I feel that you should never leave his side. He is extremely fortunate that he has a friend-cum-well-wisher like you who has stuck to him through thick and thin. He feels the same way for you - his concern that your husband might be offended shows that clearly. I know it can be very painful to see friends go through so much pain and sometimes you run out of comforting words to ease their distress. I feel you shouldn't avoid his company and I hope your husband will be generous and broad-minded enough to understand and accept your relationship with him.
Aphrodite, my husband is fine with the friendship, it is me who is concerned about it, have you ever had a friend who can read your feelings and emotions? who forces you to admit things you may prefer to leave hidden in your mind?
that is what my friend does to me, as i guess to some extent i do to him,
he is worried that my husband will hit me like my ex did, and you can't tell him otherwise as he feels he could have stopped my ex from hurting me.
i live 60 miles away from him now, if i cuold drive it wouldnt be hard to meet him more often, but as i say, i keep making excuses not to meet him, i just want to go back to how things were 'in the old days' i guess x
Thank you xx
Our friends are special, sometimes more special then some members of our families I am sorry to say,"well in my case anyway" I judge a friend by someone who knows everything about me and still likes me, alas there are only a few people I can class as friends. However time is like a book, there is nothing to say you cannot read the same chapter again and again but the time comes when you have to read the next chapter. x
Hmmm... I have a friend - I think of him every day... I think I've thought of him every day since we met 8 years ago. I love him dearly. He knows my soul - when I met him it was like we'd already known each other for a thousand years. We are not in love - never were and never could be.
When I read your blog about your friend I thought of my friend. I can't imagine that you could do anything but see him. If he asks you the hard questions and gets you to examine yourself it will only make you stronger. I know the pain - that bitter sweet pain when a friend sees right through you and has the kindess to tell you the cold hard truth. The truth you've denied and that others have seen but didn't care enough to tell you.
When I think of my friend and I think of what you wrote I can only advise you to set time aside - go to him however you must.... or if not, invite him to come to you. Make sure you have at least one day set aside to just sit and talk shit. Don't worry about the hard topics - don't start with them.... if they come up they do. But mainly just enjoy each other's company. Let him see you to see that you are okay. Let him tell you he knows that what you have seen become of him scares you. He knows already... it will be a relief to speak face to face and come to be at peace with how things are.
Sorry if I've missed your point... we're all in our own unique place... sometimes we think we understand someone but we don't necessarily.
Sounds as if you love each other.
Plain and simple as that.
When you meet, let your conversation be led by that.
Be the friend you have always been.
You seem to have done a good job of it this far.
Just be you.
missmarie, you are such a good friend, always keeping those you love in your heart and on your mind. As one of those people lucky enough to be considered your friend, I thank you. Good post.
2thepoint, very well said, life isn't a rehearsal, and we have to play it out as it comes, repeating the old mistakes over and over again is purely daft!
We all have to move on and see whats written next! x
Crashing_down, you haven't missed the point, i think you say it well, i must see him and get beyond all the things we fear talking about, so then perhaps it will be easier to see each other more often and more honestly.
everything you say is right, thank you for your helpful words, i know what i have to do and i will do it xx
Miss J, you have this way of making everything feel so easy, and i love you very much for it, i have to trust me and him that we can talk, be honest and not judge or force advice on each other, then we can just get on with being the great friends we are xxxx
love you miss j xxx
tonyray, thank you, i know some of the topics here may be a little hard for you, i apreciate your kind words.
you dont have to thank me for being your friend, you are a wonderful person and it is a privalage for me to know you
i love you Tony xxx
I believe that the people to whom we are most drawn represent the unaddressed aspects of ourselves. Healing them heals us, to turn away is to have to face the same thing again and again until we face our fears.
He represents a cornerstone of the new you, but one that needs some rough edges lovingly smoothed.
Imagine our souls are beautiful diamonds, many aspected and complex. For me he is from that same diamond, perhaps an adjoining facet, or an opposite aspect, but eternally connected all the same. His pain is your pain, and yours is his. That's why it is so raw and so concerning.
You have an opportunity for soul healing here that many never get to experience... grab it with both hands and allow yourself to be there for him. You won't regret it sweetheart xx
Wow Merlyn. you really are a wonderful person, thank you so much for those beautiful words, i shall grab the chance and i will arrange to see him as soon as possable...
thank you again x
love you xxx
| Views: 155
