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I push my feelings aside to please other people even when it hurts me so much. I mean like now I am with this guy and I have 3 children by him but I have no feelings for him anymore whatsoever. I cry after we do the do. I don't want him to touch me or kiss me but I have never told him this. What hurts me so bad is that I know how he feels about me and I don't want to hurt his feelings so I just suck it up, hide my tears and let him enjoy being with me even though I clearly don't enjoy being with him. I am that humble. I have to force myself to act like I like being with him sexually. I'm not a good girlfriend because I don't feel close to him. I don't like to hug or kiss him. I just push him away.
The reason why I feel this way is because about the first 5 years of our relationship, He disrespected me like crazy. He would call me stupid and dumb all the time. He would embarrass me in front of everybody. He had put his hands on me at least 5 times. He had a very big anger problem and it affected me a whole lot. I figured he can't love me if he treats me this way. I despise men like that and I already had my mind made up on that. I was so in love with him and I ended up falling out of love with him. He hurt me so bad that I built up this wall and now all I see is all the things that make him who he is is everything I don't want my man to be. I don't know how to fall in love with him again. The truth is, that, if I was to meet him for the first time and begin dating him I wouldn't continue with the relationship because he is not what I want in a man. When we first got together I was young, in my teens. I know what I like now. I just can't forget all the things he has done. He is a changed man now but it's a little to late. Maybe I helped him to be a better man for the next girl.
See,I wanna know if what I am doing, I mean hiding my feelings about him, a good thing. I did try to break up with him. I told him that I wasn't feeling him anymore and that I wasn't in love with him anymore. He was so hurt and he was crying. He said that we should work on it for the sake of the kids. I think that it's not gonna work because I not feeling him anymore. For things to work both partners have to still love each other or both have to be willing to make it work. The on;y reason I stayed with him (now it hurts me everyday) was so that my kids won't have to grow up without both parents in the home. I grew up that way. I even started thinking like maybe something is wrong with me mentally. I would like to be his friend but that's it. So what should I do? I am clueless. Am I stupid? Am I doing the right thing? Let me know.
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Posted by misslovely on 2008-07-18 21:09:26 | Rating: | Views: 55
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Hey misslovely,
Hey girl well first of all you are not crazy! I am going through the same thing as the beginning of your relationship. He is exactly like you wrote about your boyfriend; he is totally disrespectful to me and i let him be that way towards me...I really want to leave, but i'm scared of the exact same thing...(My daughter won't have a dad)....But the weird thing is that it's easier to give advice than it is to do it on your own. You know what i would just do what makes you happy.
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Posted by anonomousgirl
on 2008-07-25 23:16:39
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