Thoughts.com Blogs - wow it's been awhile.

View Blog

wow it's been awhile.

it's been hectic around here. my schitzophrenia has been showing. i haven't had any alone time for 2 weeks. i finally got some today.

my father is at it again. always playing games with me. my youngest is grounded for fighting at school. but you can't tell him that. my father has been letting her off punishment. she's never gonna learn if we stay here. he always does that. he always lets her off punishment. how the hell is she gonna learn if he goes behind my back and does the complete opposite. anyways, last night, a friend called me cuz he needed directions to the train station. while i was trying to get it for him, my father is behind me at his desk talking to me like i'm stupid and incapable of looking up directions. so i get upset. i tell him, "i got it!", but he don't listen to me. while i'm finally giving my friend the directions my father seems to be correcting everything i say to him. so, i turned around and asked him if he would like to talk to him instead? he says, "YEAH!" gets up, throws papers at me and starts yelling at me saying, "fu, i was only trying to help!" i tell him i understand that but it's hard to listen to someone on the phone when i have him in my other ear going on and on. he doesn't say another word to me and storms out. i'm thinking what the hell did i do to piss him off. he was being rude in the first place. i didn't ask him for help nor did i ask him to treat me like i was stupid while doing it.

after he walks out slamming the door, i look to my boyfriend for some kinda sense of it and he has nothing supportive to say. it been like that alot lately. so i tell him i have to go for awhile. i have to get away. i grab my keys and leave. i just drove about a block away to sit in an empty parking lot to get myself back together.

i come back and my oldest is crying. she thought something bad was going to happen to me. i reassured her that no matter how mad i am, i'd never do anything stupid. she wanted to know what was going on.

i sit here, day after day, listening to everyone around me bitch, all day long. i'm told by my bf that i don't get what he's going through around here. i try to tell him that i do cuz i'm going through it too. he tells me to quit making it about me. my father bitches all day long about things that are his fault and i sit here listening to how it's everyone else's fault. my kids are another story. if one isn't stealing and the other isn't trying to beat the crap outa someone or stealing and lying, then it's my oldest bitching about her lil school social life going bad. then there's my grandmother who loves to talk about me behind my back to MY KIDS. then there's friends. i have one who's soo spoiled and self-centered and can't stand it if something is going on and isn't about him. then he treats his gf like crap and calls her a bitch all the time. i feel for her but can't do a thing about it. then there's my oldest's bf. he's going through a ton of stuff now that he's back from training. i have no money to pay my bills this month, let alone to be able to get the hell outa here. i'm worried about that cuz my storage will just sell my stuff after 30 days of non-payment. i don't know what to do about that cept hope and pray. my menstral cycle is all outa wack. i haven't had it in 3 months and now i get one where i have to be in the bathroom every 10 minutes. no, that's not an exaggeration either. then when things do get alil better i go to meijer's and return a phone.

i buy this phone that's just an upgrade of what i have already. they are good phones. the one i have is alil more than 5 years old and has been dropped in the toilet too many times and they don't work right anymore. so i go to get an upgrade. i bring it home and spend all day getting it ready and the damn thing don't even reach 10ft. where the older one still reaches at least 30ft. now i'm mad. i wasted all that time and the damn things don't work. so, i go to meijer's to take it back and i tell them the problem and that i can't find the receipt for it. they tell me that it will have to be on a gift card and i will only get the last sale price in the last 30 days. i paid $119.99 for it and they say they can only give me $50.88. now i'm furious. that's not even half of what i payed for it and it sure the hell won't get me a new phone to replace it. then some old woman stops her cart right on my hip and just stands there. i look up at her and go back to what i was doing. she's still standing there. ooooohhh now i get it. i move out of her way and she says thank you really snotty. i looked at her and told her, "no, excuse you! that was rude!" she says nothing to me and goes about her business. so i went and paid for the stuff i did get and got the hell outa there. i'm thinking i should have stayed home if i wanted to be treated like that.

i don't bitch about anything. i don't complain or whine. but everyone else seems to think i can handle all of their crap and they pile it up on me all day long. so when i left to cool off, i get back and no one understands why i'm being the way i'm being. out of a house full of 7 ppl, only ONE comes to me and cared enough to find out what my problem was. and it wasn't my bf. i guess that's ok seeing all he would do is cut me off in the middle of what i was saying and tell me that i'm just foolish for feeling, thinking that way. that it's not gonna do me a bit of good cuz it's never gonna change and i'm just wasting my breath.

now i really get it. you can bitch all you want but i can't cuz it's not worth it. well, it seems to be when you do it. ooooohhh, now i really get it. it only matters when your the important one. it only matters when YOU have something to say. i see. wow, thanks.