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alone in these walls of skin.

well, i have alot, and i mean ALOT, going through my head right now. so this may seem illrational and scattered.

i have been feeling like everyone is attacking me. it's probably not true but all i hear as of late is how i'm doing it all wrong. how i wanna fight all the time. how what i think is dumb and /or wrong. i just don't know what to do.

for instance, last night my daughters cooked dinner. when they cook, they always cook enough for everyone to eat. my father beat me to the table and served him up a plate of food for 3 men. so i dish some out for my son and bf. after that, it was all gone. i was mad. i had every right to be mad. i'm tired of having to deal with a 56 yo's selfish ways. especially one who didn't care if everyone else got some dinner.

so i didn't eat. i decided that i would get something else later.

well, as the bf would say, that went over like a fart in church.

my bf was at the store real quick and when he came back he saw his plate of food and put salt and pepper on it like he always does. he comes outside and sits with me and starts to eat. a few seconds later he asks if i ate. i said no. he said why. i said there wasn't enough. he immediately gets pissed and starts flying off at the handle and starts yelling about the girls should have cooked enough. i told him he was jumping to conclussions and that the girls did cook enough. he said what's the deal then. i told him that my father beat me to it. he knows what that means. well he got all upset about it. i told him it's not a big deal, that i could get something later. he starts getting more angry and starts yelling at me that if he would've known he would have shared his with me but he already put pepper on it. i hate pepper. then starts yelling at me cuz i didn't tell him i went without. i told him it didn't matter and i'm not going without. he's not hearing me anymore. he's too angry. so he starts to blame me for it. saying that it's my fault i didn't say anything to him and i should've gotten in there before my father cuz i know that these things happen. i told him that it was ok. i will get something later. he starts telling me that i should know better when it comes to my father. now he feels bad cuz he ate and i didn't. so he rounds of cans and takes them to the store to get me something to eat. then starts bitching about the fact that he has to do that now.

i thought i was doing the right thing. making sure everyone else got to eat. i can find something later. shit, i was already down in the first place cuz my father has been treating me like crap as of late. i'm constantly arguing with the bf lately too. now i'm being told that i'm wrong for doing the right thing. i understand where my bf is coming from with him feeling bad about it. but i don't understand why he's saying it's my fault.

just before all that my oldest tells me that i'm too touchy. that i should just let him yell at me cuz that's what he does. wtf? then she tells me that i'm too intense about the respect issue. so she's telling me to lighten up and it's ok for ppl to disrespect me. even tho we both agreed on the fact that i couldn't disrespect her.

where the hell am i? in some twilight zone? i don't know who these ppl are anymore. they are all strangers to me now. i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go. i'm being misunderstood every time i open my mouth to say something. like the other day. i was telling my bf how my period was acting. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. i was telling him that i hadn't had one in two months and then i get it but it's just spotting in the middle of the day and then it's gone. that it's been doing it for 3 or 4 days now. i'm thinking i'm going through menopause early. i can't get pregnant. my tubes have been tied. he starts getting mad and tells me "damn, there's always something going wrong with your period." i told him no, i was just letting him know what was happening with it. he goes "oh, well i thought you were complaining". i said "no, i was just letting you know".

they are always asking if i'm alright. it's like every five minutes. i don't know what to think. i'm crying all the time. because of all this, i told my bf the other day that i think i needed to get back on my pills. i have been doing sooo good for the past five years without them. he tells me no, that i don't need them. well, if i don't need them, then why is everyone asking me if i'm okay all the time?

i don't know. after reading this blog, do you think i'm having some psychotic break-down that i don't see me having? it's like they are having some intervention with me and haven't told me that's what they are doing.